Sunday, February 28, 2010

How Writing is like Sex…

Oh, it’s not really, but I had to write something to get you to read this blog, right?

Because, come on, if writing were like sex we would be doing it, or at least WANTING (no whining, complaining, cleaning the toilet instead) to do it everyday, all the time.

In bed, your roommate’s closet (crap, hope she isn’t reading this), and even the beach (don’t get me started). Morning, noon, and night.

We wouldn’t wring out hands in doubt or waver in our dedication, would we?

Maybe we should think of our pens as… Hold on, I’m a little worried where that metaphor might go.

How about we think of writing as a hunger? We crave to write. Getting our stories out onto paper would be orga—Again, have to be careful with the metaphors.

If we treated writing as natural as our sex drive we wouldn’t need an entire industry (Writer’s ,etc) devoted to encouraging us to ‘do it, ‘ now would we? (Sex bots aside)

Inspiration comes in waves. Desire to write rises and falls naturally.

I have a feeling if we just stopped fighting our creative urges, we’d all have a shot at the #1 NYT Best-seller’s list.

So my challenge to you all?

Write a #vss (very short story, so it must be under 140 characters INCLUDING the 4 you need for #vss –plus the space afterward , so 136 characters) in the comment box.

The best one I’ll RT, include in my “Best of” blog, and promote the heck out of it all week!

Think of it as a ‘quickie!’ to get you started ☺

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Tweet a Blog, Blog some Tweets. Life has come full circle!

This last week I asked the existential question...

"Can I just copy and paste all my tweets into a word document and call that my pages for the day? Seriously, can I?"

To my shock the answer from lots of Tweeps, was yes!

So here they are the best Tweets of the week (plus a few Golden Oldies and odd notes and ramblings about them now that I have more than 140 characters! Consider this the Director's Cut of Tweets)...

Most of these were RTed or @ed, the rest I thought should have been, damn it!

Also a few tweets that came across the stream that I couldn't help but RT!


The dogs hump each other. The cat makes sweet love to the fuzzy blanket. Why are my animals getting more action than I am? #dontanswerthat
#Seriously, don't.

Craigslist Personal M4W Ad: “Hey, all you ladies within walking distance to my apartment.” Wow. Just wow.
I have to give an official thank you to Craig's list. So much fodder in such a convenient little package!

Finally V-Day candy off the shelves! What? Now Easter candy everywhere? #doesntJesuswantmetoloseweight
This one got some serious play. Lots of people asked what was going to happen after Easter? Duh, clearly they'll start stocking Halloween candy!

Do you ever wonder what happened to accounts that were clearly Spamming and suddenly stopped? Did their bot die? A moment of silence?
I thought that one was hysterical, but didn't expect it to do much in the stream, yet got lots of play. Loving the fact people share my bizarre sense of humor!

Firefox "couldn't find" Twitter #heartjustskippedabeat
Come on, come on, come on, restart, damn it, I've got the funniest tweet ever with no where to type it!

To LOL or not to LOL, that is the "?" Ever wonder after writing a kick-a** tweet, should I LOL or is that too presumptuous? LOL me either!
I loved this one, but not a peep on the stream Clearly no one else sits there for five minutes as types in LOL, then deletes, then thinks, no, maybe they won't get the humor, types it back in, deletes it... Damn it, I'm doing it again, right now.

Try to tear paper towel, assuming its a narrow eco-friendly ones – wasn’t so knocked roll off holder. Look up, of course cute guy watching!

Fine, this one never should have been a tweet, the set up and pay off were just too long, but I couldn't help but share the moment.
What actually happened was this really, really cute guy was walking up to the lunch break area. I was about to tear off a paper towel. And for some reason, I felt the movement needed a flourish, so, thinking it was one of those really narrow eco-friendly one, I tore really hard. It wasn't so the damn sheet tore jagged, and pulled the roll off the holder and fell into the wet sink. Can you say awkward. Even though the guy clearly had a coffee mug and needed creamer, he just walked on by. Yah, just call me a spaz-o-matic

A watched microwave never beeps. Yes, I'm cracking myself up again. Get used to it :-)

Nemesis caught me licking the tray of my weight watcher's lasagna.... Again. #shemustdie or #needtohidebetter

Wow, did this one resonate up and down the stream. Loving my fellow bitter dieters!

Sat down to actually eat lunch at kitchen table. Then realized, crap, now I probably should use utensils too! #toomuchwork
For some reason LOST 7 followers over this one. Did they not read my 'popped in a cough drop because I'm too lazy to brush my teeth" tweet? Guess it is better they go now before I start talking about feminine hygiene products again!

I'm sure those 7 didn't read this Golden Oldie:
The one benefit of menopause? When getting your wallet out, you don’t have to worry about flinging a tampon into the clerk’s face.

Some fun interactions...
@InkyTwig Yum! Who knew that French Fries dipped in Hershey's Chocolate Syrup could taste so good! --->Um, anyone on weightwatchers? LOL

@lostplum the construction workers across the street need to cut it out like a tumor! *dang why you gotta be funny after I post a good one?*

@b1gd840 Warning! R-rated! @dahara: Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can combat asthma and hay fever<--starve a cold and f*ck a fever? Okay, this one cost me 15 followers! Happy now @b1gd840 and @dahara? LOL Actually it was totally worth it. Although clearly I have a PG (not even PG-13) audience!

And my fav stand alone Tweets:
@amyzesbaugh Bought a bra that promises to cover me in “concealing petals.” I chose it over the brand that offers a “thorn in your side.”

@ScottAukerman Just found out I am too fat to watch a Kevin Smith movie

@greeneyyyzz Ok, time to slap on my assless chaps and head to Walmart. I. Must. Blend. With. The. Locals.

And to close with one of my fav Tweeps...

@thezeroboss For Lent, I'm giving up giving things up.

Thanks to each one of you for being funnier than I am, because even though it clearly notes that it is the tweet is not mine and is a RT, people still think I came up with that little comic gem. And you know what? I don't correct them! LOL

Anyway, I'd love some feedback on this new Blog tradition. Any tweets you thought should have been included? Do you like the Director's Cut version or wish you could turn off the behind-the-scenes feature?

Have a great day (or mediocre, because those seem to generate the best Tweets) and see you on the stream! :-)

Monday, February 22, 2010

Good News on the Stalker Front!

I almost hit him!

I know, right? How lucky could I be, besides, you know, hitting him and us actually meeting?

Slow down, stop dialing 911, I wasn’t TRYING to hit him.

Okay, maybe subconsciously since this is the 2nd time (the first time he was jogging) I’ve almost done it, but each time it’s HIM that veers into MY path.

I am, of course, taking this as a sign we are destined to be.

For all of you not up to speed, let me explain….
The very first day I ever visited the house I was going to move into, a guy was running on the beach - did I say guy? I meant god. 50’s salt and pepper, fit and running like a 30 year old - and he tripped right in front of me!

He then regained his balance and ran off, but it was love at first awkward/embarrassed glance for me!

Like all good stalkers (my roomie is very enabling) we have given him a name.

Allen Jacob Johnson (because if we are going to do this, we do it right!)

AJJ for short.

Since then my roomie and I are on look out (like I said, enabling).

So at any given time of the day you may hear “AJJ! AJJ! and everyone (including friends and the cable guy) will run to the windows to see if it’s him.

And yes, we drive by his house.

And yes, that picture is of the back of him running down the beach (squint, you can see him – like I said, he runs fast! By the time you get your camera out, he’s gone!)

And yes, I use that picture as a screensaver.

And yes we are considering night-vision goggles and telephoto lens.

And yes, I do realize my greatest hope for romantic happiness has come down to a cosmically-inspired automobile accident.

You know what? As long as my car insurance is up to date, I’m okay with that!

Anyway, gotta go, I’ve got binocular to clean.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Yes, I’m pretty sure Jesus wants me to eat this burger!

Okay, so I didn’t say it out loud, but oh how I wanted to!

Rewind to 5 minutes before.

Skinny Co-worker: “Wow, that a big Double Double.”

Me: “Yeah, it’s Fat Tuesday tomorrow.” Awkward pause. Co-worker: “Um, but that’s tomorrow, why are you eating it today?”

After having a million comebacks rise and fall on my lips, including a classic: Jesus wants me to eat this burger! Luckily, I realize that Fat Tuesday isn’t even a religious holiday so that’s going to sound stupid (like the statement alone wasn’t dumb enough), I huff at her and stomp off.

After stewing at my desk for a half an hour, I realized she might, just might have a point. I do treat everyday as Fat Tuesday.
She indulges one day out of the year. I do so nearly every day.

Well, except during Lent. During Lent I embrace the Weight Watcher lifestyle (bitter and clutching to my one point candies). By the end of the six weeks I have brainwashed myself into believing that I can, this time lose the weight.

This usually lasts until about July. When I convince myself I am ‘cured’ of my food addiction and can stop tracking.

Then around August I stop weighing myself.

Then around Christmas I decide to hell with it, I might as well start Fat Tuesday now.

After February 1st? Double fisted fast food is the norm.

I mean another Valentine’s Day alone? Who wouldn’t eat a bacon cheeseburger and sundae for breakfast?

But I think something sunk in after that comment.

What if I did only indulge on Fat Tuesday?

Luckily it’s Fat Tuesday today! LOL

And Jesus has some Au Gratin potatoes he wants me to polish off!

Saturday, February 13, 2010

When did Objectphilia become a disorder? Ummm, like the day after the iPhone came out!

First off. I love my iPhone.

No, I know you THINK you love your iPhone, but did you make your own commercial (or 5, see the evidence in the award-winning video above) about them? Did you name him (Thor)? Did you have a torrid voicemail message extolling your new love? Did you make the tech bring your old, dead, iPhone back to you to say goodbye to him and reassure him you had everything that made Thor, Thor, back home in your computer?

No, I didn’t think so.

But I did, and so much more. Like I tried on a nice, tight, fuzzy sweater and my first thought about the lovely curve of my breasts was, “Wow, this’ll be perfect to clean Thor’s screen!”

Okay, maybe I shouldn’t be writing this stuff down since I’m pretty sure it could be used against me in the inevitable court hearing.

And we haven’t even talked about Tivo yet. Not only did he ask me about my likes and dislikes, he REMEMBERS them! He suggests other things I might like. He is dependable and caring, I know, just know, he purrs when I press on those ever so convenient buttons. Of course there is a slight language barrier since he only beeps at me when

I do something right and bonks at me when I’ve done something he finds stupid, but hey, every couple has their issues, right?

Now the iPad. Dear gawd, are you trying to get me committed? A bigger, wider, stronger iPhone (nothing to slight Thor, he will always be in my pocket no matter what else comes along)? A tablet I can write on? 3G access on a laptop?

Yes, my world is about to be rocked. And I’m going to enjoy it until the day I’m put on Lithium!

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Do Single Guys Not Have Pets Anymore?

I mean, back in the old days (so long ago I was actually still married, you know back when MTV played, I don't know, Music Videos?) 1/2 the dog clients at the vet clinic were single guys.

In my dim, hazy, memory I remember actually being flirted with at work (of course I was in my 20s and early 30s so that may have had something to do with it as well).

Now? Not a single guy to be found. Not a one. And this isn't my imagination. I took a count (because I knew you were going to question my math!).

I saw over 300 clients last month, not ONE single guy.

I mean, can't the universe throw me a bone here? (hehe, didn't see that pun coming).

Is it too much to ask to have a guy over 40 have a dog (and okay as long as I'm wishing here, I'd also love him to be able to cook and give good, real, not leading to anywhere massages, but that's a whole other blog!) and pick my clinic to come into, then find me ravenous attractive and ask me out?

Sigh. Guess it's back to the personal ads

Maybe I could put on some spray on tan and try to convince that one guy I'm part Dakota Indian. :-)

Sunday, February 7, 2010

As much as I blog about our neighbors, I'm sure they are Tweeting about us more!

For some unknown, random reason, my roommate and I have been designated the ghetto-dogs of our neighborhood.

Maybe it is because we have the smallest house on the beach. We drive the least expensive cars on the lane. We have like a gazillion animals.

Plus, let's face it my roommate and I like to consider any outing an adventure which can run afoul of our more buttoned-down neighbors.

And okay, we kind of blocked the entire lane with our four moving trucks (filled with ghetto knick-knacks). And yes, I did hit our neighbor's car the other week. And occasionally (alright already, everyday) we use binoculars to check out everyone's activities on the beach, And fine, the dogs bark at two air molecules colliding together, but that's what gives us character, right?

Uh, yah, their looks say 'not so much' when we drive by.

To make matters worse, as you know, I'm crafty and we really don't have a backyard so all my sanding/painting/metal-work is out front. Right where everyone walks to get to the beach. I'm sure they are hating the word 'power tool' right about now.

Oh, and we curb-alert our hearts out and bring (free, I mean you can't pass up free) damaged furniture home on a daily basis. Many times so big we have to wait for one of them to walk by and ask for help carrying the beat-up ratty piece to the 'repair' area.

Yeah, now on second thought, I can see why they hate us! LOL

Friday, February 5, 2010

People are having sex under my window, and that's not even the funny part!

Yah, we live at the beach now. Right on the sand. Great, right?

Yes, about 95% of the time, the other 5%?

Well... Last night about 10pm, we notice someone sitting on the chairs on the beach RIGHT outside our bedroom windows. Okay, no biggie. A little weird, but we're cool with weird.

Um, then we realize it isn't one person, but two and I don't think they're dancing out there. #definitelynotdancing

What do my roommate and I do? Drop to the ground (well, because of the whole flashing thing. The first thing we ask? Did they see US?)

See us? I don't think they are seeing anything but endorphins right now.

So for an half hour we try turning on all the lights. Opening and SLAMMING closed the windows. Getting the dogs to bark. Nothing stops them.

Now we could call the police, but, duh, they're going to know who called it in and we really don't want to get a 'tattle-tale' rep in the neighborhood (of course we are total tattle-tales, but hey, the rest of the lane doesn't need to know that).

What do we do? Go to bed with fornication ten feet away?

Worse, binoculars are useless in the dark.

Bad combination = exhibitionist and tentative voyeurs! LOL

Finally, finally they stop and leave the beach.

Well, at least we learned three new, vital, items necessary for beach living.

Night-vision goggles, a spot light, and a blowhorn!

Ha! Try and have sex on our beach again!

#noseriously #trysowecanuseournewtoystochaseyouoff :-)

Monday, February 1, 2010

An all new low in working from home etiquette…

Everyone knows that coifing is the first to go. If you aren’t going into the office who needs lipstick and a hairdo? Then you might as well brush your teeth after lunch and deodorant gets spotty.

Clothing becomes, let us say, more and more casual. As in PJs or some old sweat pants, or torn nightgown… whatever!

All of these stages I passed through without flinching. I mean, who cares? (except of course for the poor people who have witnessed my curtain-less bedroom changing habits).

But this morning I did something that even bothered me…

With my laptop on my nightstand, I went to get back into bed (after using the facilities and not doing any grooming).

I lifted the covers then went “Wait a minute! I’m working now!”

Because, apparently, getting under the covers is ‘relaxing’ yet some how sitting on top of the covers, in your bed, with your laptop ona pillow is ‘working.’

And for just a brief moment it made sense. Yes, let’s keep things grounded and real and … wait a minute! the only difference between slacking off and working is a comforter!

Like I said low point.

So I went and brushed my teeth and put on some clothes (okay, maybe not clothes but I could run out of the house during a fire and not scare the neighbors).

There have to be some office standards, even if that office’s walls are a flimsy sheet :-) ☺