Sunday, August 29, 2010
I am going to let my readers decide, because let's face it, I think through this blog I have proven I have AWFUL instincts when it comes to dating!
Ok, here is the back story. And by back a I mean like 15 years ago.
I was living with a guy (let's just assume it was a loser, dysfunctional relationship and move on).
I was working with another veterinarian. Wait, did I call him a veterinarian? He was the ADONIS of veterinarians.
Oh, his longer silver streaked hair. His little earring. He was the toast of the town. EVERYONE loved him. His clients, his staff, my staff, the staff at every other clinic in town.
And he was oblivious to how hot he was.
Now did I mention how sweet he was as well. He always helped at the humane society. Spaying and neutering our shelter animals for $5. Like I said a sweet-heart.
I, of course, was in love with him (because clearly I wasn't with the guy I was living with), but so was... well... the rest of the town so I didn't think any about it.
Then my relationship blew up and I left town. I went by the Adonis' practice to say good-bye. Somehow my breaking up got mentioned and he was floored.
"You can't leave."
"Um... the car is packed."
"No, I love you."
"WHAT???????????????????? I mean I love you to, but WHAT?????????????"
Turns out this whole time he had been pining for me as well. And Quote: "$5 spays? I'm a nice guy, but come on!!"
To make a very long story short, we kissed and then I left. Forever.
I know, I know. I was a retard, loser, crazy, psycho chick. I panicked and ran.
I hadn't talked to him in forever. Now about 3 years ago I looked him up and called. We had a great talk (not touching of course on any of the I love you part) and he gave me his email. I wrote and left a followup call at his house, but never heard back from him.
I let it go.
Then out of the blue I was telling this story (although not as abridged)to co-workers and they were like - look him up!!!
Which I swore I would not do.... until later ;-)
No facebook, no twitter (I mean that's a problem right there), but I do have a current photo and work number. According to his bio, he is unattached.
So? Do I let it go and chalk it up to mistakes of youth or reach out on the off chance there is something still there?
Leave a comment below!
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Another category of internet date guy is the 'mute.'
Now let's be clear, they aren't mute when it comes to emails. They aren't mute when they talk on the phone.
At dinner however, they don't say a word.
It is like the cat not only got their tongue but stole their voice box as well.
They also tend to fall into the 'I can't look you in the face' sub-category of men.
So yes, there I am out on a date sitting right across from a guy for nearly an hour (after about the 3rd one of these I switched to meeting for drinks rather than a whole hour of silence) without them speaking a word to me or even looking at me.
Before you think poorly of me, I dig shy. I like shy guys. A lot of my male friends are on the shy and even anti-socially shy side. I've got plenty to say and can usually fill the space easily.
I am not talking shy here. I am talking aversion therapy!
Now, of course because I am just a little bit evil, that only makes me want to mess with their minds by carrying on both sides of the conversation or asking point blank questions then giving them a minute to respond before I move onto the next, you know stuff to keep me entertained.
One might think that these men got in over their head or just didn't like me so they clammed up. Which is what I might have guessed as well, only EACH and EVERY one of them would e-mail later and say what a great time he had and ask me out again.
Dude, I am sorry but if I wanted to date a mime... Wait a minute, I DON'T want to date a mime! #duh #seriously
You know what isn't shy? You know it, Plain Jane (my Patterson-style thriller). Yes, my novel is the exact opposite of shy. It is bold (some say disturbing, but hey potato, patato). Read 50 pages free here.
And here is a 50% off code in case you decide to buy! RH88E
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Um, if my 10+ years of it are any indication... Yes :-)
I hate to say it because I am sure there are lots of nice, sweet, genuine guys on internet dating sites... I just haven't met any!
So when people suggest that I should join 'Match.com' I simultaneously want to cry, strangle them or order a double shot of Strawberry Malt. #becausethatishowIroll
Now once, at the height of my desperation, I mean search, I dated 40 guys in 30 days. Yes, that means two dates on some days. And yes, I was a glutton for punishment.
I never got past the 1st date on ANY of them.
Why? I am SOOOOO glad you asked :-)
With enough internet first dates under my belt, I am ready to announce they come in categories.
The first is the "look nothing like their profile picture.'
I don't get it. Are you completely deluded and think you look like you did 20 years ago or you think I am dumb enough to not notice you look ABSOLUTELY nothing like your picture?
I mean should I give these guys credit for at least using an old picture of themselves rather than a hot photo?
Um, no. At least I could have oogled a fake hot pic. But really, I am sorry, even you 15 years ago wasn't all THAT great.
The next story I swear on all that his holy (Ding Dongs and french fries) it is true. #promise
I talked to a guy on-line. He seemed nice enough. His pic was average. He had dark hair, was a little out of shape and looked late thirties/early forties and said he was 39.
I get to the date and looked around. Nope. The guy wasn't there. Guess I got stood up.
Then a guy comes from the bar and says "Carolyn?"
I turn around to find a WHITE haired guy with literally enough wrinkles to qualify him as a Sharpei. I mean, think SANTA CLAUS on a bad day. He HAD to be at least 60.
I instinctively answered 'No, sorry.'
Dear God, now that awkward moment. I DO look exactly like my picture so he knows it is me. He looks absolutely NOTHING like his picture yet I know it is him.
Thank goodness it was at a restaurant where I knew the hostess who sees this go down and she says, "Ma'ame your table is ready."
I mean, I feel bad, but what else do you do besides ask if the guy is smoking crack?
And he wasn't the first one. I had a guy who literally told me after I asked him if that was his picture on-line that it was his younger brother's. I'm like... WHAT?
Another guy admitted he had 're-touched' and 'air-brushed' his photo. Um. Why? I ask WHY???
Is it too much to ask to meet a guy who doesn't have to PhotoShop his profile pic?
Um, yes, I guess it is! :-)
Don't forget Plain Jane is out (my Patterson-style thriller). It is pretty cool you can read 50 pages for free here.
And if you dig those pages here is a coupon for 50% off! RH88E (that makes it less than a buck fifty for an entire kick book!)
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Alright, let me set the stage for you (um, right off the bat you should realize I have a bizarre life if the vast majority of talking about it requires stage setting! :-)
Anyway, I am out boogie boarding. (If you are new to this blog, yes I am forty-five and go out with the 13 year olds and boogie board and do ninja moves. For more on that click here).
So anyway I am out pretty deep. The surf is pretty quiet so I mainly floating around, riding some swells, getting ready for my debut as a martial arts actor. You know, just the usual.
Now there are some southern swells that can come from the side and well, knock you over then roll you around for a minute if you aren't watching closely (clearly I figured this out by NOT watching closely but that's another blog).
So I'm floating/playing when I see a HUGE southern swell coming my way. Quickly I start to get up onto my board and turn towards the wave when something under the water WHACKS my legs out from under me.
I tip over backward, bringing my board with me and get churned by the wave.
Now, whatever hit me was smooth so I know it isn't a shark, but still what the HELL???
I right myself as quickly as I can and look further down the swell and there is something really BIG and dark a few feet away.
It's seaweed. It's gotta be seaweed I tell myself.
But then the thing rolls over and eyes me.
It's a SEAL!
He looks at me with a kind of 'hey there. Whatch you doin' kind of face.
Then he turns more fully and realizes "Wait! You're a human!"
And I SWEAR to you on my mother's grave that he panics, makes a 90 degree turn and jets off back into the ocean.
Again, what the hell????????
I make my own 90 degree turn towards the shore and swim like my life depended upon it.
I mean, if I can fool an amorous seal (with my Rubenesque figure and all) into thinking I am a seal, I bet a shark could figure that as well!
Making back to shore safely, everyone is asking me if I was okay and whether or not that was a shark (we've had lots of sightings in the past month but none close to the surf).
No, I explain, it was a seal.
Oh... But what was it doing with you?
Um... Ya... I have a series of blogs that you need to read to set the stage. LOL
Thanks for reading!
During the close of summer I am going to take a little blog break, but don't fear there will still be stuff for you to read.
I have put together three blogs of my most weird, awkward, or downright strange first dates ever.
I hope you enjoy and in September I will be back with 'live' blogging!
Until then you can also read my novel (under my pen name @CristynWest) Plain Jane!
There are no seals, but lots of murder so make sure you are in the mood for a Patterson Style thriller.
You can read 50 pages for FREE here...
And if turns out to be truly thrilling and you wish to purchase the entire book, use this 50% off coupon code: RH88E at check out!
Thanks so much for stopping by and see you next week! #ish :-)
Sunday, August 1, 2010
As you can imagine nothing gets my Roomie and I more motivated than those musical notes broadcast by a moving vehicle loaded with treats (well, except for Seal Pup Emergencies but those are covered under another blog :-)
I mean, we can get a 'drumstick' without having to put on our shoes? Heck, or even put on a bra? we are SO in!
And what is it about getting your sweets from a run down truck that looks vaguely like one on the evening news that makes it taste so much better?
Now a days they just sell the same stuff you can get in the grocery store.
But remember when the only place you could get a creme orange soda Popsicle was on the ice cream truck?
I remember as a kid we would hear the music, run inside, beg, borrow or steal the money then hop on our bikes and race down the street and get in line jostling for position in case they ran out of the root beer float ice cream sandwiches.
It meant summer was here.
Now, of course, I just throw the money off the balcony and the guy chucks a Drumstick up at me after we have about two minutes of language barrier issues, but hey!
That doesn't mean I don't relish the experience just as much #maybemore :-)
So if you happen to come over to my house and hear those dulcet tones, GET OUT OF THE WAY. My roomie and I will barrel you over #andnotevenfeelbadaboutit #duh
Until next week!
Alright with summer here, I know, just know you want a sizzling serial killer thriller to read on the beach (please, just not mine, you know how anti-social I am :-)
So here is the link to "Plain Jane" (described as disturbing and macabre by NYT Best Seller @JamesRollins) http://bit.ly/b60jVe and a 50% off coupon if you decide to purchase #um #duh: RH88E
If you do read "Plain Jane" (even the 50 pages for free) please let me know how mentally disturbed, I mean much you enjoyed it :-)