Sunday, July 25, 2010

The moonlight hitting the water was so romantic...

For me and my CHIHUAHUA!

Yes, even I was taken aback by that thought. This is what it has come down to.

Sitting on the sand, cuddling, watching the moonrise over the surf. With a dog in my bra. #andfeelingprettydarnedgoodaboutit


But then I started thinking (always a downfall #usuallywhenthewheelscomeoffthecart)...

I mean, I am DOOMED, is not just a blog title. It is my reality. If I have any chance of marrying again, I am going to have to settle... for a felon... or worse.

And I am at a point in my life when I am just not doing to settle for some guy who smokes weed and doesn't think 3 years in Federal Prison should count as incarceration.

I mean, Chief (the said Chihuahua) has more going from him than most men. So if I am going to settle anyway, why not settle on him???

While he may not bring any income in, he is at least income neutral (ok, fine, I spend 30 cents a day to feed him), which is better than 3/4 of my ex's.

He isn't promising to get a job but just needs me to pay his car insurance #again.

He doesn't get upset that I let the dogs sleep in the bed #um #duh

He doesn't secretly smoke.

He doesn't forget to tell me he is going on vacation... without me... apparently forever.

What DOES Chief bring to the table?

He thinks I look good in anything! (and when I say anything, I mean dirty yoga pants and a ripped tee-shirt for starters)

He likes it when I eat in bed (ok, that one may be self serving since he hopes I drop something)

He loves me, more than I'm pretty sure a guy ever has.

My proof?

Some nights my back hurts and I toss and turn. I mean for hours. Even I wish I could go sleep in the other room to get away from the constant motion.

But each time I turn over, Chief gets up, comes to the other side and curls up next to me.

One night, I told him "Look, this is going to be a bad one, just go sleep in your comfy pink fluffy bed." I even lifted him up and put him them, covering him in his pink Hello Kitty blanket he loves.

But Chief climbed right of there and dug under the covers with me. I swore he was saying, "You, look! We love each and we will figure this out."

And we did. Finally I got comfortable and we feel asleep snuggling.

Um, so in reality I don't feel like I am really settling at all!!!

The only question now is... #whydidntIthinkofthisbefore!!!

Until next week!

And don't forget, my super scary serial killer book is out: Plain Jane

You can read 50 pages for free here

And just for being so awesome and reading this blog, here is a 50% off coupon! RH88E

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Ninja Moves

I know many of you think you know how weird I am. You've read my tweets, you follow this blog. You think you know.

I am here to tell you, you have no freaking idea the depths of my weirdness.

And I am discounting the klutzy, socially awkward stuff. I am talking about the fundamental way my brain works.

First of all, unless it is life or death situation, my brain tends to hang out at the 13 yr old level. Think I am kidding?

An example...

I started boogie boarding again. First off, I am 45 and boogie boarding. Not being all cool and surfing, but boogie boarding... um, alongside a bunch of 13 yr old, but that wasn't my point.

While out in the surf, waiting for a wave to ride, there is some down time. Most of the waves are just swells out there, so you jump up and let the swell lift you up then set you back down again.

I mean, that's fun in it's own right. But am I satisfied with just that?

Clearly #no (otherwise there wouldn't be a blog :-)

I decide to start practicing my ninja moves. You know kicks and poses. Being lifted by the water is what being in one of those wire-harnesses must feel like, right?

I mean you never know when someone is going to want me to star in their kung fu film, and I have got to be ready!

Ok, so many of you may forgive me and chalk the ninja thing up to simple exuberance in the moment.

Ya... Um... when I get tired of that I practice my Greek dancing. Yes, I am out there in the surf doing the 'Grapevine.' And when that gets old, I move onto my Old English folk dances.

And did I mention I imagine I am Super Girl flying through the air when I do catch a good wave?

Like I said... #superweird

P.S. If you ARE casting a martial arts film, I am getting pretty good. Of course you can't see my moves because they are underwater #butstill

Also if you want to experience how disturbing I can be, check out my pen name's (@cristynwest) book, Plain Jane.

Warning, there are no aquatic folk dancing in this thriller. Knives. Serial Killers. you know #grossstufflikethat :-) Click Here

And just for being so awesome and reading this blog here is a 50% off coupon (RH88E)! That makes it just a buck fifty for 368 pages of sheer terror!

Sunday, July 11, 2010


I mean, do I really need to write more?

It is the pivotal meal of the day for me.

In the morning, when I am the most lazy and still not quite awake, eating healthy is simply the easiest option. (insta-hot water, oatmeal, and a banana are about all I can swing at 5:30 in the morning).

And dinner, well, Roomie is around for that meal which usually means some form of salad or 'green' selection.

Ah, but lunch. Lunch I am 'on my own.' And I am fully awake for the experience.

When at home, my laziness once again kicks in and I heat up whatever healthy food Roomie has stored for me. #againlotsofgreenontheplate #why #tellmewhy

But when I am at work? Oh, baby!

Pizza available a few doors down the strip mall. Yogurt and sandwiches 2 shops down. The Burrito Hut (which oddly has the best fries in the area) 4 shops down. Plus a Subway. #andIamnottalkinga6inchnocondimentsandwich #terriyakichickenWITHmayo

And that's without me even having to get in the car. A quick dash gets me to Del Taco, McDonalds, Wendy's, and Taco Bell.

So you can only imagine what happens at about 11AM... Ok, fine at 9:01 the second after I walk in the door.

What's for lunch? It is an entire staff decision. Between appointments we discuss our options.

What is the weather like? What did we have for lunch yesterday? What phase is the moon in?

Was a client mean to us? Did we just see a super cute kitten?

It doesn't matter how large or small the event or our feelings, they are factored into our decision.

Sometimes, no one restaurant will satisfy our complex cravings and we spread out like a highly trained army unit and hit five stores. Our sole goal?

To secure the components to the most awesome lunch EVER. Everyday. #youcanstarttoseetheproblemhere #enablers #allofthem

I can't tell you how many weight loss coaches tell you to 'find your joy.'

Um... I'm pretty sure I have. #justnothewayyouthinkIshould :-)

As a footnote my pen name @cristynwest is still at it! She thinks people want to read about serial killers, F.B.I. profilers, and such. #weird #Iknow

So if you are one of those people that like James Patterson or you just want to know what goes on in the Crafty's brain after dark check out Plain Jane.

If you follow the link below you can watch the book trailer (which even I have to admit is pretty awesome #scary #butawesome), listen to an entire chapter's audio excerpt, and read up to 50 pages of the thriller for free!

Click here: and my pen name insists we give you a 50% off coupon code as well! RH88E (use at checkout)