Sunday, November 28, 2010

Let's go visit Roomie!

Yes, that is the extent of my wanderlust these days.

Different rooms of the house are considered 'travel.'

Now before you start throwing labels around like 'agoraphobic' or 'weirdo,' remember I live on the beach.  Not nearish the beach or a few blocks away, but ON THE SAND.

Going upstairs is considered 'a trip.'  And definitely going out to the garage is an adventure.

I know it is hard to comprehend how lured in you get, until you live here.

I don't have to 'go to the beach, ' I can just look out the window to the surf.  My backyard is a sand dune... literally.  My side yard is the Pacific ocean.

Now if we stayed in our house all the time anywhere else, that would be sad and more than a little pathetic, but when your windows open up to the beach, you feel included in everything going on out there.

Just yesterday we watched a game of sand volley ball, waved to the surfers, cheered on a Golden Retriever catching a Frisbee.  All without having to leave the comfort of our home.

We have decided we aren't 'agoraphobic' but 'inland-aphobic.'

Because going inland requires that we get in the car, which means we have to put on shoes which means we have to FIND our shoes (I know, a sin against my incredible shoe collection).

Which is just WRONG.

Do I expect you to have sympathy for me?  Of course not.  I am assuming you are bitter and jealous #asyouhaveeveryrightobe

I just you know, felt like you needed to know why if you searched under 'travel' in my blogs... um... you wouldn't find any.

#newdefinitionof #stayathome :-)

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Turkey GIrl

Yes, that is my plight.  Because you see I was born on Thanksgiving.

Not just near Thanksgiving, or around Thanksgiving, but on the actual day. So every 8 years my birthday falls on our National holiday as it does this year.

Before you go all "how delightful," hear me out.

Instead of being sung 'happy birthday' you get some weird 'gobble, gobble, gobble' variation that invariably ends in the whole family (sans you) falling into hysterical laughter.

You get birthday cakes in the shape of turkeys.  I mean, what little girl doesn't want that #none #nonewantthat

You get turkey themed birthday presents.  Why, look how lovely.... turkey slippers. #deargawd

And why bother having an actual birthday party when the whole family is together for Thanksgiving?

Only Christmas, and New Year's babies can really appreciate my plight.

You get 'fusion' birthday/Christmas presents that never quite add up to what you would have gotten as two separate gifts.

And you usually can't turn to your friends for support because, well, they are out of town with their families.

Instead you sit there and smile when your aunt offers you a second helping of turkey, 'as her little birthday present to you.'


So as you sit down to eat your Thanksgiving dinner, think of this turkey girl and in your head sing her a little 'gobble, gobble, gobble' song! #andknowmyagony :-)

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Is It Too Much To Ask...?

This is a question I find myself asking on more than one occasion while looking through dating ads.

Is it too much to ask that the guy's picture not include a private piece of anatomy?  Um... I guess so.

Is it too much to ask that the guy not have a prison record (with tats to prove it)? Um... yeppers.

Is it too much to ask that the guy not still live with his ex-wife?  You guessed it.

Now when I complain about the quality of single guys left in the world, there is a certain segment of people who feel I am being 'too picky' or 'too harsh.'

So okay, let's take a look at that.

My bottom line is he needs to be:
Between the ages of 40-55 (in calendar years, not how 'young' you feel - the age on your CDL)
Single (not separated, not 'about to file for divorce' #dudenotevenclose, not 'wanting something more')
Local to the Ventura area (no 'distance doesn't matter to the heart.' Maybe not but it does to my work schedule #jeez)
Gainfully employed (which does not include standing outside a home improvement center)
Non-felon (I know, I know. I just eliminated 99% of CraigsList ads)
Love dogs (not "I pet a dog once" because let's face it, I have a Chihuahua in my bra as I type this)
Does not mention sex in their ad. (yes, I like sex too I just don't feel compelled to tell you my fav position on the internet)

Ok, so for all those that feel I am just too picky, I put this challenge out to you.  Find me a man that meets those 7 simple criteria and I will contact them... happily.

However, if you can't find one, you come back to this blog and leave a comment with your never-ending apology and sympathy for my plight!

Game on!

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Can weather be evil?

That is a question I asked myself last week with the Santa Ana winds passed through town and decided... YES it can! #duh

Because first of all there is ABSOLUTELY no reason for them.  NONE.

In case you have never experienced these evil, evil winds, please let me describe them #inexcruciatingdetail

They are winds that flow in the opposite direction of the the 'good' winds.  These Santa Anas blow from overland towards the beach (you can already see how wrong this scenario is).

They are dry, hot and static-y.  Now I know there are those out there that have not lived through the Santa Anas and think I am being a wimp.

Just know that your hair is so dry that when you brush it, sparks fly!  These winds carry every pollen granule for hundreds of miles and then drive them into your parchment-like nostrils.

Will not get any more graphic than that, just know it is hell on earth.

And we are expecting them... again.

It was soooo close to hot chocolate weather I could taste the cocoa in my mouth.  But no.  Instead I get to have anti-histamine dry mouth.

Like I said... EVIL