Sunday, August 14, 2011

Only so much time...


Yep, I have hit it.

That moment in your life when you start to lose friends, contemporaries, to illness and disease.  Not just the awful, early tragic death of a high school buddy.  No, I am talking about *gasp* old age diseases.

I keep shaking my head, I mean I am only 46, yet the slow march of time appears to be quickening its pace.

I thought that 40 was the new 30?  How wrong I could be!

I mean, I thought I was totally cool with my mortality, until you know, it actually is staring me in the face.  And at 46, really?

I keep telling myself I am just being silly and not to worry, but then our office manager's best friend... aged 38 was diagnosed with bowel cancer and died within six weeks.

A great client of mine 52, died of a stroke last week.

I had a friend visit, 54, and it was clear he was starting to show signs of "forgetfulness" which as we all know now is something much more.

But then I look at Kirstie Alley and others cooking right along, as dynamic and vibrant as always.

I began worrying which path I was going down.  Would I be one of those shocking "Oh My GOD she was only ____ years old."  Or would I be one of those "Oh My GOD, she's how old?  She looks great!"

Then I realized worrying wasn't going to do much, was it?

If I get called "home" early, I get called "home" early.  Not exactly a lot I can do about some of the inexorbable forces at work in nature.

What I can do though is stop worrying.  Stop looking for "signs" of my mortality.

If I only have "so much time" left, I might as well make the most of it.

Of course how exactly I am going to do it is a slight mystery, but one I am eager to discover!

How do you handle your mortality?  Do you feel that same pang? #pleasetellmeIamnottheonlyone!


  1. At 45 I had never so much as set foot in a hospital, seriously.  I then had, in the words of my doctor, a 'MASSIVE heart attack.'  I don't drink or smoke, have low cholesterol, no family history, in great shape, etc., etc.  Two years later I had open heart surgery to replace a heart valve. 


    At first it was difficult to handle the realization that I no longer had my whole life ahead of me. Then I was thankful for the time I had. I learned to appreciate each and every moment. Perhaps I'll live to 90, perhaps I'll die tomorrow.  Whatever happens, I'll handle it.

    Now, I am intensely aware of the passing of time. So I have learned how valuable each moment, each good meal, each wonderful email from a good friend, each delicious moment spent in the company of a good woman, is - and savor them. 

    Perhaps this is a way of saying that in the awareness of my limited time here, I have finally, really, begun to live.


  2. Very, very much not the only one.

    In the words of Mickey Mantle (among others), if I had known I was going to live this long, I would have taken better care of myself.

  3. totally unrelated- sue me.  WHEN PRECISELY will Deadblood be out, 'cause I need to read it TODAY!!!