Yep, I have hit it.
That moment in your life when you start to lose friends, contemporaries, to illness and disease. Not just the awful, early tragic death of a high school buddy. No, I am talking about *gasp* old age diseases.
I keep shaking my head, I mean I am only 46, yet the slow march of time appears to be quickening its pace.
I thought that 40 was the new 30? How wrong I could be!
I mean, I thought I was totally cool with my mortality, until you know, it actually is staring me in the face. And at 46, really?
I keep telling myself I am just being silly and not to worry, but then our office manager's best friend... aged 38 was diagnosed with bowel cancer and died within six weeks.
A great client of mine 52, died of a stroke last week.
I had a friend visit, 54, and it was clear he was starting to show signs of "forgetfulness" which as we all know now is something much more.
But then I look at Kirstie Alley and others cooking right along, as dynamic and vibrant as always.
I began worrying which path I was going down. Would I be one of those shocking "Oh My GOD she was only ____ years old." Or would I be one of those "Oh My GOD, she's how old? She looks great!"
Then I realized worrying wasn't going to do much, was it?
If I get called "home" early, I get called "home" early. Not exactly a lot I can do about some of the inexorbable forces at work in nature.
What I can do though is stop worrying. Stop looking for "signs" of my mortality.
If I only have "so much time" left, I might as well make the most of it.
Of course how exactly I am going to do it is a slight mystery, but one I am eager to discover!
How do you handle your mortality? Do you feel that same pang? #pleasetellmeIamnottheonlyone!
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At 45 I had never so much as set foot in a hospital, seriously. I then had, in the words of my doctor, a 'MASSIVE heart attack.' I don't drink or smoke, have low cholesterol, no family history, in great shape, etc., etc. Two years later I had open heart surgery to replace a heart valve.
ReplyDeleteSucks..
At first it was difficult to handle the realization that I no longer had my whole life ahead of me. Then I was thankful for the time I had. I learned to appreciate each and every moment. Perhaps I'll live to 90, perhaps I'll die tomorrow. Whatever happens, I'll handle it.
Now, I am intensely aware of the passing of time. So I have learned how valuable each moment, each good meal, each wonderful email from a good friend, each delicious moment spent in the company of a good woman, is - and savor them.
Perhaps this is a way of saying that in the awareness of my limited time here, I have finally, really, begun to live.
Regards,
Will
pdx_designer@yahoo.com
Very, very much not the only one.
ReplyDeleteIn the words of Mickey Mantle (among others), if I had known I was going to live this long, I would have taken better care of myself.
totally unrelated- sue me. WHEN PRECISELY will Deadblood be out, 'cause I need to read it TODAY!!!
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