Sunday, August 7, 2011
Um... probably should stay lost. LOL
Yes, I had in my mind that I had lost the love of my life. He truly was everything that a man could be and perfect for me.
And I had ruined it. Ruined it with my fear and insecurities. I had run away in shame.
I carried these dual notions for nearly 15 years.
He was perfect. I was scum.
Yet somehow I took comfort in this fact. I could hold that possibility of that long lost love close to my heart and ache for what could have been.
If only I hadn't screwed up... What if... If only...
Can you hear the pining? The swell of music in the background? Yes, I believe I did weep a bit of blood.
Then out of the blue he contacts me. Let's catch up.
My heart soared. And the more we cooresponded (email 'cause that's how we roll these days), the more the only barriers I perceived that could keep us apart were gone.
Within a few weeks we decide he should visit. Now he is a vet as well and he can't find anyone to watch his dogs so, of course, we decide for him to just hop in the car and bring them with him.
I dreamed of our meeting. I dreamed of the first time we would set eyes upon each other. What would he say? Would we hug? Would we kiss?
The only thing I knew for sure was that that it would be magical.
Okay, fastforward to three dogs barking/howling/screaming in my driveway.
The love of my life looking haggard and beaten after driving 7 hours with them. And a little pissed that I was 'late.' We did the bum's rush out to the backyard where the dogs proceeded to bark/howl/scream...
And not just that, but any time we get close to talking about anything emotional the little poodle goes berserk.
I mean, I could not have written a more Charlie Chaplin/3 Stooges fire drill if I could try.
Within ten minutes he announces that he is going home in the morning. I try to persuade him to give it some time for the dogs to calm down (the whole while plugging my ears).
Later in the evening with a beautiful, gorgeous sunset he says "I know I should have waited until I had someone to watch the dogs but I just really, Really, REALLY wanted to come see you."
I step forward, "Oh Ken,"
And I swear that I am not exaggerating... at that exact moment, the poodle vomits on his foot. The other dog falls off a chair and the blind dog runs into the sliding glass door.
I just looked at him and said, "Yep, leaving tomorrow morning sounds about right."
So all the gossimer haze around that relationship is gone. #clearly
It wasn't so much the dog's antics, it was the fact that obviously he was used to the dogs running some emotional interference for him. And I realized in that moment that I want a guy who can just say what he feels rather than going through some kind of bizarre labyrinth.
I know that I should be glad that the rose colored glasses have been taken off and that I have clarity, however I must say, I do miss those violins when thinking of him :-) LOL