Sunday, April 4, 2010
My Nemsis and I...(or is it 'me'? I bet she'd know! #andcorrectme)
If you read my Tweets, you know I have a Nemesis at work.
I am old, chubby, and weird.
She is none of those things. As a matter of fact she is about as fresh-faced as you can get, thin as a rail and well, extremely normal.
I wish I could say she was inherently shallow or dumb or constantly texting on her phone (that last, unfortunately would be me + my Twitter #dearlord).
Alas, I cannot.
She's just... young, cute and one of those 'cool' girls I hid from in High School.
She doesn't even try to be cool, she just is #damnit
So why then is she my NEMESIS?
Because, for whatever cosmic reason, she catches me doing everything either morally bankrupt or stupid. #orboth EVERY TIME.
Today's example? As everyone should know, I'm on Lent. Which means I've pretty much (not completely because hey, I'm no a saint #clearly #whydidIevenbothertoqualifythat) given up high fructose corn syrup.
So what does a sales rep do? But bring in one of those HUGE jugs of Red Vines.
My Achilles heel. My Kryptonite. My One Fatal Flaw (ok, I have lots of them, but Red Vines is at least in the top 10!)
I had resisted those high fructos-y demons for so long (fine, for 3 days) when I finally said "What could one little Red Vine" hurt? #um #myprideitturnsout
So I look around, make sure my Nemesis is nowhere to be found and ever-so-carefully open the Red Vine lid.
No sound. Step 1 accomplished.
I pull out a single Vine, quickly pop the end into my mouth so I can use two hands to close the lid (no evidence I was ever there).
Unfortunately as I whipped the lid back on, I happened to knock over a bag of popcorn which hits the floor and strews popcorn everywhere.
With the Red Vine still sticking straight out of my mouth, I bend over (yes, butt high up in the air) to pick up the damning evidence when who but my Nemesis walks in!
It was as if time stopped.
Please, please, please try to picture my humiliation:
Me, bent over, presenting my lovely wide booty, forbidden Red Vine sticking out of my mouth, popcorn everywhere.
Nemesis takes in the whole picture, sadly shakes her head and walks out... with my pride.