Here’s my best (other people thought so, so it MUST be true)tweets! So if this ain’t good enough, nothing ever will be #solaughdamnitlaugh
My 2lb Chi is hiding inside jacket. He whines, I pet him. Cute guy passes by, seeing me stroking what appears to be a lumpy boob. #thatishot
Oh, how I wish this were made up. I do this like, twenty times a week. I’ve just gotten used to the double takes, the awkward glances, the downright blatant stares. There is usually cooing and air kisses involved as well. #therereallyisnotdoubtwhyIamsingleanymore
Another word that should not be used in bios? Rainbow, or soar, or soar over rainbows, Unless of course you are a unicorn, then I’m down.
Ok, this one somehow inspired poems. Ummm, I’m making fun of those words people. I was not asking for an ode. Wait, maybe they were making fun of me making fun. Crap, I hate it when people may be wittier than I am! #someDMapologiesmaybeinorder
I want to codify Twitter. Misdemeanors = typing in ALL CAPS, ALL THE TIME Felony = Flash Following (follow, DMmarket, unfollow) #Iamserious
Who thinks their words are so important they have to be in CAPS. Obama doesn’t Tweet in all CAPS. Madonna doesn’t even Tweet in all CAPS, yet you feel the need?
And then the Flash Follows? Come on people, are we really that stupid? When I go to DM you, you are gone. It is like advertising on television then having your phone disconnected #nottoobright. And yet, they keep doing it. Foul, foul people to get my hopes up, only to crush them! #Iwillflashunfollowthem #seehowtheylikeit
I know this is Twitter but can we please know when to use ‘‘well’ instead of “good”? #thatwentovergood
This was kind of adorable. I got like three people (all guys, so love ‘em) who gave me the correct grammatical usage. #Sosweet #Sodidntgetit
Blow to self esteem? Somebody you follow only has 4 followers, yet is following 1999 people and you aren’t 1 of them! #WTH
Dear Lordie me, this happens so frequently. I mean, at some point I have to take it personally that they like a sex/mortgage reducing/penis enlarging bot more than me. #thenhavetotweetaboutit
Need to stop following New Agers. You Buddhas may have @ed me, but do you know what would really make my aura glow? A freakin’ followback!
This one did not get a lot of play. I am blaming it on the Oscars, #WriterWednesay, or the Chilean earthquake, because clearly this is one of the funniest things I have ever written! #ornot
The one benefit of menopause? When getting your wallet out, you don’t have to worry about flinging a tampon into the clerk’s face.
Actually the incident in question I flung the alleged tampon in the guy's eye. Recently I was at a store and flung a WeightWatchers 1 Point Carmel Candy wrapper into a clerk's face. Was it embarrassing? Hell, ya. As embarrassing as a tampon incident? #notevenclose
Ah Twitter, thank you for helping me get over Craigslist... Kinda like trading out methadone for heroin #awesome
I thought this one was going to bring the house down. Let’s just say it didn’t. Guess I should have gone with the hashtag, #soproud #yathatwouldhavedoneit
Onward to someone else besides myself I find funny or informative (well, I guess technically I’m not informative unless you count telling you all the ways I rock).
@zerotosold Save outrageous moments of good fortune for your villains. Heroes should never have it that easy.
What more needs to be said? Some of the best advice for writers I’ve seen lately! #mustcomeupwithabetteroneorstewinbitterness
@BeautyofWisdom Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been. ~Mark Twain,
That’s right! Take that Nemesis. I’m all wrinkly because I am happier than you are! #notevenIcansellthat
I hate it when someone’s reply is far funnier than my original tweet! Damn you, LM, damn you! :-) Now the question is which one of us gets to hold the Trademark for the Scooby Doo ‘alt’ ending, because I’m sure it’s going to sweep the nation!
@4030lisa Couldnt even stop mahself...Said "no" very sternly...and poof! felt my 'mother eyes' switch on & start boring right into her...
Okay, this came out of an entire string of Tweets about a younger woman almost fainting next to Lisa on the treadmill and then trying to get back up on it! Luckily, Lisa pulled out her ‘mother eyes’ and knocked some sense into the poor girl! #wearegiverslikethat
@MBartloff Driving the blue Carrera is stressful, I'm always checking my mirrors, speed etc. It's like being on a permanent run from the police.
I know, I always felt the same way in my Geo Metro! #sistas LOL
@susanorlean In the category of really weird things children say, my son just announced, "Men would never put suction cups in fruit bowls!"
That tweet made me LOL AGAIN when I pasted it in here. Awesomeness. It does beg the question however, who did put suction cups in fruit bowls (I want to eat there!)
And lastly, @TheDeeView was on FIRE Oscar’s night. I’ve only included a few, but you can check out her “Best of…” blog for the whole story!!!
#Katherine About damned time. #Queenoftheworld
I am such a gay guy, cuz I LOVE #Barbra #Oscars #Holdmedown
Thank God I just peed, cuz I'll be very excited if #Meryl wins. I love her. I just do. #Oscars #ilovehelenmirrentoo
#Sandra Get that girl her burger. Stat. #Oscars
My husband is in the other room, completely messing up the TIVO. I can hear the boing, boing, boing as he just keeps pressing the buttons.
That last Tweet of hers has nothing to do with the Oscars (except for the fact the show chased poor @Taxes007 out of the room), I just found it hysterical #callmeaTivoaddict
Okay, so this next exchange started with poor, poor @Writingstorm innocently giving me a shout out on #FF…
And not forgetting #ww @reginaldstjohn @mbdfilms @craftycmc @lloydwybrow
His fatal error, however was to #FF this shortly thereafter…
Jedi's of writing #ww @LMEighmy @myotherhand @patty_herrera @MsBookish @FictionVxn @KrisESans @calistataylor @FuglyCharlie @nataliecparker
Did you notice how I was NOT mentioned. I mean, how could I tolerate this? I get a ‘oh, yeah, almost forgot about them’ mention when there is a Jedi level? Has Writingstorm read my Tweets?
So after a little prompting, the poor guy comes back with…
Like Jedi's who have merged with Ninjas #ff : @zerotosold @edmatrasul @craftycmc @nataliecparker @trishaleighKC @jamorel @chicklitgurrl
One would have thought it was over and done with, but now my curiosity was piqued…
@craftycmc Oh this is waaaaay up on the list :)
Again, you would have thought that very sweet acknowledgment would have put the subject to rest, but now I was on a mission…
@craftycmc I haven't quite decided yet, I think there may be one more level above Ninja/Jedi. We just need a name for that level of awesome
Ah, a challenge! We know how I love a challenge (unless of course it requires actual work rather than screwing around on Twitter).
@writingstorm I feared we couldn't beat Jedi/Ninja Hybrid. How about Klingon/Samuri? Peacekeeper/Gunslinger? Any of those work?
@craftycmc Ooh I like the Klingon one. A samurai with a bat'leth...
So it is settled. The highest level a #FF writer may aspire to is a Klingon merged with a Samuri! And now the epilogue…
@craftycmc Many have reached for that level. You are the first Who I think will attain it. Good luck on your quest :-)
@writingstorm Ah, to have a quest worthy of my talents! Now to be excessively arrogant but quick with a sword. At least I'm1/2 way there!
@craftycmc Well your sword skills are legendary.
@writingstorm You, sir, are a true gentleman! I can't wait to become Klingon-Samurai certified! :-)
And now @Writingstorm has gone on to be the lead General in our #MentionMonday army. I like to think me annoying him all day helped motivate him! :-0
And now a shout out to some of my new Followers:
@SoCalVillaGuy @ JamesRossBooks @ mikedoe
WTH is up with all the guys? Clearly they did not thoroughly vet my stream first! So please everyone follow them so they are trapped within our web before these men realize what they’ve gotten themselves into!
@glorypromo @KiraJW @DenisePellow @callytaylor
And follow these chicks just because they are cool! :-)
Lastly, here are some Blogs I picked up on during #MentionMonday – which rocked out loud BTW!
@inasordidworld #MentionMonday I really hate stupid crap like inspirational messages on tampon wrappers. http://bit.ly/cUI3OF
How I wish I had written those words! I aspire to be as doubled-over funny as she (I can only assume a female, although maybe even funnier if a guy did)!
@nataliecparker #MentionMonday Writing Against Zombies! ! http://nataliesee.livejournal.com/ (undead welcome, but be warned)
A girl after my own heart (or is it brains?) Great stuff for the Undead Inclined
#MentionMonday @writingstorm, News on my new project at The Writers Stall: http://twurl.nl/kdq2j8 (Please RT) :-)
My (whether he wants to be or not) Klingon/Samurai/#MentionMonday General is starting off his new Sci-Fi short story series: Dead Beat. Check it out! :-)
#MentionMonday "Sailor's Delight" @JerryLStudio a peek behind the canvas http://short.to/1a6pz
I’m not usually into modern art, but there’s something about his color fields that draw me in, plus the way he talks about his process (which is shockingly similar to writing #whoknew) fascinates me. If you want to go outside your comfort zone, give him a try #hewillpaymelaterfortheplug :-)
Alright, as Porky Pig so eloquently stated…. Th-Th-That’s all Folks!
Thanks for stopping by and perusing what my ever so modest ego thought was some my best stuff!
Be looking for another installment next week, with a few new features like best #vss and I’m going to be participating in #AdoptionTuesday to find needy pets homes!
Until then, watch, then rewatch the new TRON trailer until you have it burned into your retinas!