I can't even get_____ right!

Ok, so I am heading out to Austin and have learned with my bad back one of the best things I can do is get a massage the day before.  You know loosen everything up, get the lactic acid out of my muscles.

Great plan.  Then of course I have to execute it.

I don't know of any massage places in the area, so I just go to the one closest to my work.  It LOOKED clean and respectable.

My first clue might have been the fact there was only one person in the building and she was listening to rap music.  Nothing says relaxation like rap.

But as soon as I walked in, she turned it down and apologized... I think.  Not to be insensitive but there was a massive language barrier.

I should have inquired into prices then left.  Clearly in hind sight this could not have gone any other way, but I only have a few minutes left on my lunch hour and I really want a massage, so I convince myself everything is cool.

After some pointing and gesticulating we figure out that a half hour massage is $30 and a full hour is $50.  I opt for the 1/2 (the ONLY smart move I made since entering the building).

We go back to the room which again, looks very nice and an average massage room. She turns on ocean sounds.  Okay, maybe this will be fine.

I get undressed, get under the sheet, she comes back...

And strangely asks me... "Do you want a massage?"

Um, I am naked and face down on this table.  What the heck else would I want.  So only after I say "yes" do I realize that there ARE other kinds of massages.  The kind that I do NOT want.

So I try to clarify saying I just want a 'normal' massage.  A 'relaxing' massage and all she keeps doing is nodding her head says "Okay, okay."

Dear god, what have I gotten myself into?

Then she puts the tiniest amount of massage oil into her hands and proceeds with the massage.  She does not EVER get more oil.  And her massage technique is well...

Bracing.  Fast.  Vigorous.

At one point I realized, oh dear god, this is what a Thoroughbred feels like after a race.  It was the equivalent to a horse rub down.

My only salvation is I keep thinking, she can NOT be thinking this is sexy.  This bizarre, uncomfortable massage can NOT be leading to a happy ending.

But so far her hands have stayed where they are, but I am having the toughest time being ready for flight while trying to seem super relaxed.  That is NOT an easy thing to pull off!

And why didn't I leave?  Because what about if I was wrong?  I do NOT want to be that middle-class white chick that freaks out at a masseuse.  Plus this place is RIGHT by where I work.  I do not want to be running down the strip mall with only a thin sheet on #seriously #Ihaveenoughissues

So 90% of the massage goes as planned.  There were some awkward moments, there was nothing relaxing about it, and as her hands get drier and drier the massage has become more of an exfoliating exercise than anything, I being to hope I might get through it without anything worthy of a hidden camera.

Then we get to the end of the massage and she jerks (doesn't remove or pull away, just JERKS) the sheet off of me and tells me to "Get Ready."

I do NOT want to know what I should be bracing for!  So I pop up, scrambling to gather the sheet under me, and back against the wall.

But there she stands with a hot towel, you know, to wipe off the non-existence massage oil.

Oh.

So I tell her I am fine and want to KEEP the massage oil on my skin.

And now of course, she probably thinks I am the kinky one!  #great

So when I tell you I really shouldn't go out in public.  #pleasebelieveme!