On October 17th, 1989 two tectonic plates rubbed together and shattered my world.
Or at least that is how it felt.
Most people remember the Santa Cruz Earthquake (7.1) because it happened during the Bay Bridge World Series (SF Giants vs Oakland A's).
What most people don't know is for that destruction only 12 people died during the quake itself.
I knew 4 of them.
And not to say that I didn't love my uncle and two other cousins, but on that day I lost the single most important person in the world... Gary.
I won't go into depth the difficulty of my childhood. Just know the only reason I survived it was because of Gary.
Sure there was some weirdness. He was 16 years older than me. He was gay (but way, Way, WAY in the closet). And we were betrothed. #minordetails
But that doesn't mean he didn't love me unconditionally. That doesn't mean he didn't teach me about light and love. That doesn't mean I don't miss him every single day.
The only way I survived his death on that October day was to pretend it didn't happen. I insulated myself in a bubble of denial and lived like that for years... well actually over a decade.
But as all bubbles must at some point, it burst and I was left with the whole in my heart had been filled with love and laughter from Gary.
I think this is the first year where I am actually moving through it, fully aware he is gone and grieving.
I would love to say I am embracing Halloween (his favorite holiday and one that we celebrated together like an anniversary) but I am not there yet.
Grief still swirls around this season, clouding my vision with tears and catching breath in my chest.
But just writing this blog has helped loosen some of the pain. I truly wanted to find some place of humor in here, but I am just not feeling it.
I know Gary would have wanted me to share all of our stories of adventure and daring do. He would have wanted you to laugh and know he was the funniest of funny people (Dana Carvy, a good friend of his certainly thought so), but today all's I can do is miss him.
Thank you for reading and I promise to delight you next week with a classic craftycmc Halloween story (brought to you, of course, courtesy of Gary :-)
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My deepest sympathies.
ReplyDeleteI was 18 years old on October 17,1989. I always kind of felt like it was the universe unwilling to allow me to be an adult.
I am so sorry for your loss. I look forward to your next post :)
ReplyDeleteIt sucks to lose people. And it's cool that you wrote about it, that's hard to do. Thanks for sharing and looking forward to those funny stories!
ReplyDeleteIt's funny how at first you ignore the pain & loss & pretend it hasn't happened. I believe I feared grief for me, but over time my bubble broke as well & I realized you only heal after you let all the good memories build your heart back together. I never lost a lover but I lost family & friends & I hope you find peace in the coming years with a smile through your tears.
ReplyDelete-3amfright
Your post is really touching and I hope it really is healing. It's courageous to share something so personal. I wish you peace.
ReplyDeleteYou're going to hate me because i just joined this IBC thingie but...i just wrote a blog entry about that day. It was the day of my first childs birth. We always say that her birth caused a shift in the earth. So, now knowing that it affected you "personally" really makes me think of the event in a different way. I'm sorry for your loss although that day was my gain. Wow...adrenaline is coursing through my veins right now...i really don't know what else to say except that your story moved me!
ReplyDeleteYour post is really touching and I hope it really is healing. It's courageous to share something so personal. I wish you peace.
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