My purse was stolen #bestthingthateverhappenedtome

If you know me, you can probably guess how I could walk those two things together.

The initial moment when I had realized that my wallet had been stolen out of my purse at work were of course shocking and weird and painful.

Then all those freaking episodes of C.S.I. kicked into gear.

I mean, come on, I'm involved in a real life crime? #Finally

Oh my gosh, I cleaned the house #shockingIknow, but come on, I've got cops coming over! #bannerday

And sure enough the cop arrived. And oh, was I ready for his questions!

I was even answering before he could ask them.

"Now, which --"

"I had 3 credit cards, here are their numbers. Yes, I have contacted the companies. Here are the times and locations of where the suspects tried to use them."

Ok, I think he appreciated that educated, informed packet.

Um, the rest?

Next I pulled out my purse (Tinkerbell of course) to show him the slick surface. "I'm not sure they can pull prints off this material."

A blank stare which I took as him just not understanding where I was going with this.

"But I think this area of sequins could have some partials."

"Ma'ame, I don't think we're going to need a C.S. unit for this."

WHAT?????????

Don't you want elimination prints from me? Aren't we going to try and isolate sweat from the pocket where my wallet was stolen from to get DNA? Aren't we going to put all the info up on a HUGE plasma screen and hammer out a time line?

Um. NO. #notsomuch

Well, just because the police were going to treat this like, I don't know, just a wallet snatch, that didn't stop me!

So, yes, my living room became C.S.I: Ventura (let's be clear the color palette is pale ocean blues highlighted with pink)!

Luckily I had a cork board at the ready!

Who had access to the purse? Who profiled like a possible identity theft?

I even clocked out how long it took to drive from my work to the first gas station. I did Googly Analytics on the websites they tried to buy from to glean their socio-economic status.

Now, of course, I haven't caught them, but SO WHAT?

OMG, the high of the forensics. The high of the chase.

Like I really needed any more obsession with C.S.I. I mean, I had just given up watching the Miami and NY shows.

Now? Season Pass, baby, all 3.

Because I have GOT to be ready for the next minor crime wave that hits! #duh

#andprobablybuymyownfingerprintdustingkit #inpink #ofcourse

But now I think you can see why I might write a book about hunting serial killers!

#ILiveForVicarious

So if you want to see how I have integrated like a thousand episodes of C.S.I. and Criminal Minds into my writing of my novel "Plain Jane" (under my pen name @cristynwest), head on over to smashwords: http://bit.ly/b60jVe to read up to 50 pages for free.

And if it turns out you like my slightly twisted take on Patterson, here's a 50% off coupon to buy "Plain Jane": RH88E

Enjoy #fingerscrossed

So you think I couldn't embarrass myself any worse!

How wrong you are!!!

Because I am here to tell you that I reached an all new high (actually a low, but we will get to that in a minute) this week.

Let me set the scene for you...

I'm going out to walk the dogs on the beach.

Hmmm... Should I put on nice, matching clothes, or a BRA even?

Nah, who am I going to meet on the walk? #yes #thatwasmyfirstmistake

So out I go, hair awry, in oddly shaped gray yoga pants (yes, more oddly shaped than normal - the butt is saggy enough it looks like I might be carrying a load, but oh so comfortable), an orange Daffy Duck tee-shirt and Hello Kitty pink jacket.

I make it past the 1st half. So far so good. I am loving how quickly I got out to the house (you know without taking the time to find matching clothes or brush my hair) and how comfy my pants are.

As I start the walk back, a guy #ok #fine #asuperhotguy has come down to the waterline to throw the ball into the surf for his Labrador.

Now I notice that the Lab isn't too friendly with other dogs.

Crap, crap, crap. My dogs aren't good with other dogs that aren't too friendly.

But, this guy is so cute. And so age appropriate. And doesn't have a wedding ring (hey, I may not brush my hair, but I do carry my binoculars. I'm not dead after all.)

I'm about to avoid him by walking far up the beach, when I realize, wait a minute. This is why I am freaking single! I avoid interaction, rather than making the most of it.

And yes, I do realize that was my second mistake.

So I time it out perfectly. How long it takes for the dog to swim out to get the ball then swim back.

I know, I just know, that I can get in there, say 'Hi,' and a bit of small talk and get out of there before the dog hits the shore.

#Yes #Mistake #3

So there I go, all oddly-yoga panted and fly away hair, but hey, I am going to talk to a guy!

Our eyes meet. He smiles and looks to my dogs. He makes some comments about how cute they are. I respond back in kind.

Now I'm a little fuzzy on the details since I have retro-grade amnesia but somehow I get to the point where I say...

"Yes, I'm a veterinarian."

Now, I swear on all that is holy, the SECOND that I said that I was an animal professional, a HUGE wave comes in, crashing over me and my dogs... and carries in the unfriendly Labrador.

In a single second I am now drenched, the dogs are fighting, and my two entangle me in their leashes and knock me to my hands and knees.

There is screaming. There is barking and snarling. And there is me, crawling away.

I honestly don't know what happened to the cute guy and his dog, because I am telling you, I just kept CRAWLING, wet and horrified until I made it around the breaker.

Needless to say, I have never seen him again. #thankgod

Also needless to say, I am never ever listening to those voices that say 'oh come, on what could it hurt to say hello" EVER again.

#or #well #untilthenexttime

#mycurse

And don't forget my novel Plain Jane is out! I am looking for a few #ok #fine #alot of reviewers so if you have a blog/review site (or just want to read the book and Tweet about it) head over to Smashwords (http://bit.ly/b60jVe) and read over 25% of the book for free. I mean come on... #itcantgetbetterthanthat

Things are getting Weird around here

Ok, I guess the correct term would be weirder.

Twitter has changed my life. I would like to say in all good ways, but then I would be lying. Or at least making a vague speculation.

You see, I'm not really Carolyn anymore. I am craftycmc.

Worse? I PREFER craftycmc!

I think in 140 character thoughts. I talk about a digital world most people don't understand. I actually say things like "Hashtag, Loser."

And now that I am a "Pre-Celebrity" in my own head but also on Twitter?

It is bad. I look at people that ignore me and think, "Don't they know who my on-line handle craftycmc is???????"

Um, obviously, no Carolyn. I am not even sure how many people ON twitter really care about craftycmc.

But that is the beautiful thing about RT rates and mention logs. They make me feel good about myself.

A cute guy looked at me funny because a Chihuahua squirmed inside my bra?

#Fine I'll just tweet about it and let my stream make fun of you (because as a "Pre-Celebrity" I can't appear petty #duh).

The truly bizarre thing is my family and friends are... joining me in my delusion. They not only know who crafty is, but call me "Crafty!"

They laugh when I say "Hashtag: Loser." They want to hear all about what's going on with my stalking and AJJ. They talk about my "Pre-Celebrity" status at parties. #likeIsaid #weird

I feel pressure now to actually, oh I don't know write good blogs because they now quote them. #superweird

Now when people ask me what is so great about Twitter? I tell them it is transformational.... into a shared, mass, delusional state #ok #Idonttellthemthatlastpart

So glad you could all join me!

How about you scribble a little comment below about how Twitter has ruined #Imean changed your life!

And don't forget my novel Plain Jane is out! I have included the book trailer below AND you can head over to Smashwords (http://bit.ly/b60jVe) and read over 25% of the book for free. I mean come on... #itcantgetbetterthanthat

I write Thrillers. Weird, huh?

Because let's face it, I live the least thrilling life.

Well, I mean I have adventures, they just tend to be in my own head.

Which, it turns out works out great for writing. All that stuff bouncing around, coming out at WAY inappropriate times at awkward cocktail parties is perfect for the page.

Since I am a veterinarian I get asked all the time why I don't write animal books. It seems like such a natural fit.

Um, if I wrote an animal book, I would HAVE to be nice to the characters, and let's face it with my boring life, I like to take all that Craig's List Ad frustration out on someone and a serial killer seemed to be the perfect recepticle.

Which appears to quite the shocker to some. I wrote much of my novel "Plain Jane" while sitting next to a colleague at the vet clinic.

After I finished the manuscript she begged to read the book. I warned her against it, I did, but she insisted she understood it was a thriller in the vein of "Kiss the Girls" and "Silence of the Lambs," so she took it home over the weekend.

The next Monday she handed back the manuscript with shaky hands, "You were right, I'm not sure if I can look at you the same way again... Or sit next to you... or eat lunch with you..." #shegotoverit

One of my favorite clients also insisted on reading it. He raved, "My first thought was... this is the best psychological thriller I've read since "Along Came a Spider!" Then that awkward pause, "My second was, and she's my dog's Vet?????"

So yes, I do want you all to head over to Amazon.com and buy a copy and rave about it... however, be warned, you may never look at craftycmc the same way again!

#youhavebeenwarned

#althoughthathasn'tworkedsofar!

You can either head over to Amazon.com for the print version (and, of course, leave a glowing review) at http://amzn.to/aV16Z9

Or read an entire 25% of the book before buying the ebook at www.smashbook.com: http://bit.ly/b60jVe

Thanks and I promise a #somewhat funny #ok #fine #anaverage blog next week :-)