I must be sending out that 'desperate' vibe...

In abundance!

Alright, let me set the stage for you (um, right off the bat you should realize I have a bizarre life if the vast majority of talking about it requires stage setting! :-)

Anyway, I am out boogie boarding. (If you are new to this blog, yes I am forty-five and go out with the 13 year olds and boogie board and do ninja moves. For more on that click here).

So anyway I am out pretty deep. The surf is pretty quiet so I mainly floating around, riding some swells, getting ready for my debut as a martial arts actor. You know, just the usual.

Now there are some southern swells that can come from the side and well, knock you over then roll you around for a minute if you aren't watching closely (clearly I figured this out by NOT watching closely but that's another blog).

So I'm floating/playing when I see a HUGE southern swell coming my way. Quickly I start to get up onto my board and turn towards the wave when something under the water WHACKS my legs out from under me.

I tip over backward, bringing my board with me and get churned by the wave.

Now, whatever hit me was smooth so I know it isn't a shark, but still what the HELL???

I right myself as quickly as I can and look further down the swell and there is something really BIG and dark a few feet away.

It's seaweed. It's gotta be seaweed I tell myself.

But then the thing rolls over and eyes me.

It's a SEAL!

He looks at me with a kind of 'hey there. Whatch you doin' kind of face.

Then he turns more fully and realizes "Wait! You're a human!"

And I SWEAR to you on my mother's grave that he panics, makes a 90 degree turn and jets off back into the ocean.

Again, what the hell????????

I make my own 90 degree turn towards the shore and swim like my life depended upon it.

I mean, if I can fool an amorous seal (with my Rubenesque figure and all) into thinking I am a seal, I bet a shark could figure that as well!

Making back to shore safely, everyone is asking me if I was okay and whether or not that was a shark (we've had lots of sightings in the past month but none close to the surf).

No, I explain, it was a seal.

Oh... But what was it doing with you?

Um... Ya... I have a series of blogs that you need to read to set the stage. LOL


Thanks for reading!

During the close of summer I am going to take a little blog break, but don't fear there will still be stuff for you to read.

I have put together three blogs of my most weird, awkward, or downright strange first dates ever.

I hope you enjoy and in September I will be back with 'live' blogging!

Until then you can also read my novel (under my pen name @CristynWest) Plain Jane!
There are no seals, but lots of murder so make sure you are in the mood for a Patterson Style thriller.

You can read 50 pages for FREE here...

And if turns out to be truly thrilling and you wish to purchase the entire book, use this 50% off coupon code: RH88E at check out!

Thanks so much for stopping by and see you next week! #ish :-)

Ice Cream Truck!!!!!!!!!!!!

As you can imagine nothing gets my Roomie and I more motivated than those musical notes broadcast by a moving vehicle loaded with treats (well, except for Seal Pup Emergencies but those are covered under another blog :-)

I mean, we can get a 'drumstick' without having to put on our shoes? Heck, or even put on a bra? we are SO in!

And what is it about getting your sweets from a run down truck that looks vaguely like one on the evening news that makes it taste so much better?

Now a days they just sell the same stuff you can get in the grocery store.

But remember when the only place you could get a creme orange soda Popsicle was on the ice cream truck?

I remember as a kid we would hear the music, run inside, beg, borrow or steal the money then hop on our bikes and race down the street and get in line jostling for position in case they ran out of the root beer float ice cream sandwiches.

It meant summer was here.

Now, of course, I just throw the money off the balcony and the guy chucks a Drumstick up at me after we have about two minutes of language barrier issues, but hey!

That doesn't mean I don't relish the experience just as much #maybemore :-)

So if you happen to come over to my house and hear those dulcet tones, GET OUT OF THE WAY. My roomie and I will barrel you over #andnotevenfeelbadaboutit #duh

Until next week!

Alright with summer here, I know, just know you want a sizzling serial killer thriller to read on the beach (please, just not mine, you know how anti-social I am :-)

So here is the link to "Plain Jane" (described as disturbing and macabre by NYT Best Seller @JamesRollins) http://bit.ly/b60jVe and a 50% off coupon if you decide to purchase #um #duh: RH88E

If you do read "Plain Jane" (even the 50 pages for free) please let me know how mentally disturbed, I mean much you enjoyed it :-)

The moonlight hitting the water was so romantic...

For me and my CHIHUAHUA!

Yes, even I was taken aback by that thought. This is what it has come down to.

Sitting on the sand, cuddling, watching the moonrise over the surf. With a dog in my bra. #andfeelingprettydarnedgoodaboutit

Yep.

But then I started thinking (always a downfall #usuallywhenthewheelscomeoffthecart)...

I mean, I am DOOMED, is not just a blog title. It is my reality. If I have any chance of marrying again, I am going to have to settle... for a felon... or worse.

And I am at a point in my life when I am just not doing to settle for some guy who smokes weed and doesn't think 3 years in Federal Prison should count as incarceration.

I mean, Chief (the said Chihuahua) has more going from him than most men. So if I am going to settle anyway, why not settle on him???

While he may not bring any income in, he is at least income neutral (ok, fine, I spend 30 cents a day to feed him), which is better than 3/4 of my ex's.

He isn't promising to get a job but just needs me to pay his car insurance #again.

He doesn't get upset that I let the dogs sleep in the bed #um #duh

He doesn't secretly smoke.

He doesn't forget to tell me he is going on vacation... without me... apparently forever.

What DOES Chief bring to the table?

He thinks I look good in anything! (and when I say anything, I mean dirty yoga pants and a ripped tee-shirt for starters)

He likes it when I eat in bed (ok, that one may be self serving since he hopes I drop something)

He loves me, more than I'm pretty sure a guy ever has.

My proof?

Some nights my back hurts and I toss and turn. I mean for hours. Even I wish I could go sleep in the other room to get away from the constant motion.

But each time I turn over, Chief gets up, comes to the other side and curls up next to me.

One night, I told him "Look, this is going to be a bad one, just go sleep in your comfy pink fluffy bed." I even lifted him up and put him them, covering him in his pink Hello Kitty blanket he loves.

But Chief climbed right of there and dug under the covers with me. I swore he was saying, "You, look! We love each and we will figure this out."

And we did. Finally I got comfortable and we feel asleep snuggling.

Um, so in reality I don't feel like I am really settling at all!!!

The only question now is... #whydidntIthinkofthisbefore!!!

Until next week!

And don't forget, my super scary serial killer book is out: Plain Jane

You can read 50 pages for free here

And just for being so awesome and reading this blog, here is a 50% off coupon! RH88E

Ninja Moves

I know many of you think you know how weird I am. You've read my tweets, you follow this blog. You think you know.

I am here to tell you, you have no freaking idea the depths of my weirdness.

And I am discounting the klutzy, socially awkward stuff. I am talking about the fundamental way my brain works.

First of all, unless it is life or death situation, my brain tends to hang out at the 13 yr old level. Think I am kidding?

An example...

I started boogie boarding again. First off, I am 45 and boogie boarding. Not being all cool and surfing, but boogie boarding... um, alongside a bunch of 13 yr old, but that wasn't my point.

While out in the surf, waiting for a wave to ride, there is some down time. Most of the waves are just swells out there, so you jump up and let the swell lift you up then set you back down again.

I mean, that's fun in it's own right. But am I satisfied with just that?

Clearly #no (otherwise there wouldn't be a blog :-)

I decide to start practicing my ninja moves. You know kicks and poses. Being lifted by the water is what being in one of those wire-harnesses must feel like, right?

I mean you never know when someone is going to want me to star in their kung fu film, and I have got to be ready!

Ok, so many of you may forgive me and chalk the ninja thing up to simple exuberance in the moment.

Ya... Um... when I get tired of that I practice my Greek dancing. Yes, I am out there in the surf doing the 'Grapevine.' And when that gets old, I move onto my Old English folk dances.

And did I mention I imagine I am Super Girl flying through the air when I do catch a good wave?

Like I said... #superweird

P.S. If you ARE casting a martial arts film, I am getting pretty good. Of course you can't see my moves because they are underwater #butstill

Also if you want to experience how disturbing I can be, check out my pen name's (@cristynwest) book, Plain Jane.

Warning, there are no aquatic folk dancing in this thriller. Knives. Serial Killers. you know #grossstufflikethat :-) Click Here

And just for being so awesome and reading this blog here is a 50% off coupon (RH88E)! That makes it just a buck fifty for 368 pages of sheer terror!

Lunch

I mean, do I really need to write more?

It is the pivotal meal of the day for me.

In the morning, when I am the most lazy and still not quite awake, eating healthy is simply the easiest option. (insta-hot water, oatmeal, and a banana are about all I can swing at 5:30 in the morning).

And dinner, well, Roomie is around for that meal which usually means some form of salad or 'green' selection.

Ah, but lunch. Lunch I am 'on my own.' And I am fully awake for the experience.

When at home, my laziness once again kicks in and I heat up whatever healthy food Roomie has stored for me. #againlotsofgreenontheplate #why #tellmewhy

But when I am at work? Oh, baby!

Pizza available a few doors down the strip mall. Yogurt and sandwiches 2 shops down. The Burrito Hut (which oddly has the best fries in the area) 4 shops down. Plus a Subway. #andIamnottalkinga6inchnocondimentsandwich #terriyakichickenWITHmayo

And that's without me even having to get in the car. A quick dash gets me to Del Taco, McDonalds, Wendy's, and Taco Bell.

So you can only imagine what happens at about 11AM... Ok, fine at 9:01 the second after I walk in the door.

What's for lunch? It is an entire staff decision. Between appointments we discuss our options.

What is the weather like? What did we have for lunch yesterday? What phase is the moon in?

Was a client mean to us? Did we just see a super cute kitten?

It doesn't matter how large or small the event or our feelings, they are factored into our decision.

Sometimes, no one restaurant will satisfy our complex cravings and we spread out like a highly trained army unit and hit five stores. Our sole goal?

To secure the components to the most awesome lunch EVER. Everyday. #youcanstarttoseetheproblemhere #enablers #allofthem

I can't tell you how many weight loss coaches tell you to 'find your joy.'

Um... I'm pretty sure I have. #justnothewayyouthinkIshould :-)


As a footnote my pen name @cristynwest is still at it! She thinks people want to read about serial killers, F.B.I. profilers, and such. #weird #Iknow

So if you are one of those people that like James Patterson or you just want to know what goes on in the Crafty's brain after dark check out Plain Jane.

If you follow the link below you can watch the book trailer (which even I have to admit is pretty awesome #scary #butawesome), listen to an entire chapter's audio excerpt, and read up to 50 pages of the thriller for free!

Click here: http://bit.ly/b60jVe and my pen name insists we give you a 50% off coupon code as well! RH88E (use at checkout)

My purse was stolen #bestthingthateverhappenedtome

If you know me, you can probably guess how I could walk those two things together.

The initial moment when I had realized that my wallet had been stolen out of my purse at work were of course shocking and weird and painful.

Then all those freaking episodes of C.S.I. kicked into gear.

I mean, come on, I'm involved in a real life crime? #Finally

Oh my gosh, I cleaned the house #shockingIknow, but come on, I've got cops coming over! #bannerday

And sure enough the cop arrived. And oh, was I ready for his questions!

I was even answering before he could ask them.

"Now, which --"

"I had 3 credit cards, here are their numbers. Yes, I have contacted the companies. Here are the times and locations of where the suspects tried to use them."

Ok, I think he appreciated that educated, informed packet.

Um, the rest?

Next I pulled out my purse (Tinkerbell of course) to show him the slick surface. "I'm not sure they can pull prints off this material."

A blank stare which I took as him just not understanding where I was going with this.

"But I think this area of sequins could have some partials."

"Ma'ame, I don't think we're going to need a C.S. unit for this."

WHAT?????????

Don't you want elimination prints from me? Aren't we going to try and isolate sweat from the pocket where my wallet was stolen from to get DNA? Aren't we going to put all the info up on a HUGE plasma screen and hammer out a time line?

Um. NO. #notsomuch

Well, just because the police were going to treat this like, I don't know, just a wallet snatch, that didn't stop me!

So, yes, my living room became C.S.I: Ventura (let's be clear the color palette is pale ocean blues highlighted with pink)!

Luckily I had a cork board at the ready!

Who had access to the purse? Who profiled like a possible identity theft?

I even clocked out how long it took to drive from my work to the first gas station. I did Googly Analytics on the websites they tried to buy from to glean their socio-economic status.

Now, of course, I haven't caught them, but SO WHAT?

OMG, the high of the forensics. The high of the chase.

Like I really needed any more obsession with C.S.I. I mean, I had just given up watching the Miami and NY shows.

Now? Season Pass, baby, all 3.

Because I have GOT to be ready for the next minor crime wave that hits! #duh

#andprobablybuymyownfingerprintdustingkit #inpink #ofcourse

But now I think you can see why I might write a book about hunting serial killers!

#ILiveForVicarious

So if you want to see how I have integrated like a thousand episodes of C.S.I. and Criminal Minds into my writing of my novel "Plain Jane" (under my pen name @cristynwest), head on over to smashwords: http://bit.ly/b60jVe to read up to 50 pages for free.

And if it turns out you like my slightly twisted take on Patterson, here's a 50% off coupon to buy "Plain Jane": RH88E

Enjoy #fingerscrossed

So you think I couldn't embarrass myself any worse!

How wrong you are!!!

Because I am here to tell you that I reached an all new high (actually a low, but we will get to that in a minute) this week.

Let me set the scene for you...

I'm going out to walk the dogs on the beach.

Hmmm... Should I put on nice, matching clothes, or a BRA even?

Nah, who am I going to meet on the walk? #yes #thatwasmyfirstmistake

So out I go, hair awry, in oddly shaped gray yoga pants (yes, more oddly shaped than normal - the butt is saggy enough it looks like I might be carrying a load, but oh so comfortable), an orange Daffy Duck tee-shirt and Hello Kitty pink jacket.

I make it past the 1st half. So far so good. I am loving how quickly I got out to the house (you know without taking the time to find matching clothes or brush my hair) and how comfy my pants are.

As I start the walk back, a guy #ok #fine #asuperhotguy has come down to the waterline to throw the ball into the surf for his Labrador.

Now I notice that the Lab isn't too friendly with other dogs.

Crap, crap, crap. My dogs aren't good with other dogs that aren't too friendly.

But, this guy is so cute. And so age appropriate. And doesn't have a wedding ring (hey, I may not brush my hair, but I do carry my binoculars. I'm not dead after all.)

I'm about to avoid him by walking far up the beach, when I realize, wait a minute. This is why I am freaking single! I avoid interaction, rather than making the most of it.

And yes, I do realize that was my second mistake.

So I time it out perfectly. How long it takes for the dog to swim out to get the ball then swim back.

I know, I just know, that I can get in there, say 'Hi,' and a bit of small talk and get out of there before the dog hits the shore.

#Yes #Mistake #3

So there I go, all oddly-yoga panted and fly away hair, but hey, I am going to talk to a guy!

Our eyes meet. He smiles and looks to my dogs. He makes some comments about how cute they are. I respond back in kind.

Now I'm a little fuzzy on the details since I have retro-grade amnesia but somehow I get to the point where I say...

"Yes, I'm a veterinarian."

Now, I swear on all that is holy, the SECOND that I said that I was an animal professional, a HUGE wave comes in, crashing over me and my dogs... and carries in the unfriendly Labrador.

In a single second I am now drenched, the dogs are fighting, and my two entangle me in their leashes and knock me to my hands and knees.

There is screaming. There is barking and snarling. And there is me, crawling away.

I honestly don't know what happened to the cute guy and his dog, because I am telling you, I just kept CRAWLING, wet and horrified until I made it around the breaker.

Needless to say, I have never seen him again. #thankgod

Also needless to say, I am never ever listening to those voices that say 'oh come, on what could it hurt to say hello" EVER again.

#or #well #untilthenexttime

#mycurse

And don't forget my novel Plain Jane is out! I am looking for a few #ok #fine #alot of reviewers so if you have a blog/review site (or just want to read the book and Tweet about it) head over to Smashwords (http://bit.ly/b60jVe) and read over 25% of the book for free. I mean come on... #itcantgetbetterthanthat