Dating After 40, Okay Hoping to Date After 40

Where, oh where, has my sex drive gone.

2011-08-28T16:53:00.000-07:00

I mean I have looked all over for it. Under the bed, in the cupboard, even the dryer.

Yet it has vanished. No great surprise since I have gone through the "change" #okay #finemenapauseforyoumedicalpeople

I had expected a lot of things to happen, given the horror stories on the internet (not to take away from anyone who is truly having a rough time), but none of them happened. I had expected my ovaries to go out with a bang (given that is how they burst on the scene during puberty).

Instead it appears my ovaries decided to take a slow, graceful exit stage left.

It happened so slowly as a matter of fact that I barely noticed. It actually took my Roomie asking if I needed her to buy me feminine hygiene products while she was at the drug store, to realize that no, I did not need them. But then I stopped and went... wait. When is the last time I actually did have to buy said products?

Probably a year ago. My first thought was "WAHOO." My second was... "Ah, now I get it."

You see I had noticed that I was thinking a lot about Disneyland. The characters, the ambiance, the rides.

Every few minutes the thought of Stitch or Goofy or Buzz Lightyear would pop into my mind, I would think about it for a few seconds, then move on.

It wasn't until that day with my Roomie, that I put two and two together.

Now that hormones weren't in play, giving me decidedly more risque thoughts, my brain had just attached itself to the next best thing... Disneyland?

Um, yep, I guess so! :-)

Don't get me wrong, I do mix my sex drive and if it would like to come back home, I would more than welcome it. But given I am single #akaDoomed, I guess Disneyland will just have to do #quitenicelyinfact :-)

Cat-Pyre

2011-08-21T16:12:00.000-07:00

This blog isn't so much about me (shocking I know) but about my roommate.

While on the surface my Roomie seems like an ordinary member of society. She has s job, a car, and loves to "spin."

Get to know her though? And the cat crazy just pours right out of her. There is nothing that she doesn't love about cats and her black cat extraordinaire, Elvira. She even likes the smell of Elvira's poop (okay, maybe not that bad, but pretty darn close).

It doesn't matter that Elvira bites and scratches if she gets the least bit upset (well, according to my Roomie, Elvira is AFRAID and that is why she comes flying AT you with claws and teeth bared #ya #right).

But this blog isn't even about Elvira and the other cats (even though I could twenty blogs just on the cat antics in the house). No, I want to remain focused and talk about my Roomie's cat obsession... I mean cat fancy #sorry #obsessionwastherightword

So Roomie and I are sitting around talking about the animals ('cause that's what we do while looking out at the beach) and some how vampires also came up (another common theme in our household).

Therefore it was no great surprise when Roomie blurted out, "Cat-pyre." Obviously referring to a cat that had become vampiric.

Now this blog isn't about the fact she said "Cat-pyre," it is the wistful look on her face as she thought about what a cat-pyre would look and be like. Then her eyes unglazed and she breathed out... "That would be awesome."

Yes, for her it would be. I mean, combining her two favorite topics into one??? Fantastic!

Then we were watching True Blood and Jason had been mauled by a were-black panther and was suffering as he was turning into a big cat.

However what my Roomie took away from this horrible sequence of events was... "I'd go through all of that if I got to be a panther."

I looked at her, with her sincere eyes (a cat of course on her lap), "Yes, I believe you would."

She just nodded sagely and went back to watching the show.

So if you happen to stumble upon a Cat-Pyre or Black Were-Panther, please leave a comment below with your location since it probably means my Roomie has fulfilled her dreams but has gotten lost #howdoyouputatagonaCat-Pyre?

Only so much time...

2011-08-14T16:55:00.000-07:00

Yep, I have hit it.

That moment in your life when you start to lose friends, contemporaries, to illness and disease. Not just the awful, early tragic death of a high school buddy. No, I am talking about *gasp* old age diseases.

I keep shaking my head, I mean I am only 46, yet the slow march of time appears to be quickening its pace.

I thought that 40 was the new 30? How wrong I could be!

I mean, I thought I was totally cool with my mortality, until you know, it actually is staring me in the face. And at 46, really?

I keep telling myself I am just being silly and not to worry, but then our office manager's best friend... aged 38 was diagnosed with bowel cancer and died within six weeks.

A great client of mine 52, died of a stroke last week.

I had a friend visit, 54, and it was clear he was starting to show signs of "forgetfulness" which as we all know now is something much more.

But then I look at Kirstie Alley and others cooking right along, as dynamic and vibrant as always.

I began worrying which path I was going down. Would I be one of those shocking "Oh My GOD she was only ____ years old." Or would I be one of those "Oh My GOD, she's how old? She looks great!"

Then I realized worrying wasn't going to do much, was it?

If I get called "home" early, I get called "home" early. Not exactly a lot I can do about some of the inexorbable forces at work in nature.

What I can do though is stop worrying. Stop looking for "signs" of my mortality.

If I only have "so much time" left, I might as well make the most of it.

Of course how exactly I am going to do it is a slight mystery, but one I am eager to discover!

How do you handle your mortality? Do you feel that same pang? #pleasetellmeIamnottheonlyone!

Lost Loves...

2011-08-07T16:52:00.000-07:00

Um... probably should stay lost. LOL

Yes, I had in my mind that I had lost the love of my life. He truly was everything that a man could be and perfect for me.

And I had ruined it. Ruined it with my fear and insecurities. I had run away in shame.

I carried these dual notions for nearly 15 years.

He was perfect. I was scum.

Yet somehow I took comfort in this fact. I could hold that possibility of that long lost love close to my heart and ache for what could have been.

If only I hadn't screwed up... What if... If only...

Can you hear the pining? The swell of music in the background? Yes, I believe I did weep a bit of blood.

Then out of the blue he contacts me. Let's catch up.

My heart soared. And the more we cooresponded (email 'cause that's how we roll these days), the more the only barriers I perceived that could keep us apart were gone.

Within a few weeks we decide he should visit. Now he is a vet as well and he can't find anyone to watch his dogs so, of course, we decide for him to just hop in the car and bring them with him.

I dreamed of our meeting. I dreamed of the first time we would set eyes upon each other. What would he say? Would we hug? Would we kiss?

The only thing I knew for sure was that that it would be magical.

Okay, fastforward to three dogs barking/howling/screaming in my driveway.

The love of my life looking haggard and beaten after driving 7 hours with them. And a little pissed that I was 'late.' We did the bum's rush out to the backyard where the dogs proceeded to bark/howl/scream...

And not just that, but any time we get close to talking about anything emotional the little poodle goes berserk.
I mean, I could not have written a more Charlie Chaplin/3 Stooges fire drill if I could try.

Within ten minutes he announces that he is going home in the morning. I try to persuade him to give it some time for the dogs to calm down (the whole while plugging my ears).

Later in the evening with a beautiful, gorgeous sunset he says "I know I should have waited until I had someone to watch the dogs but I just really, Really, REALLY wanted to come see you."

I step forward, "Oh Ken,"

And I swear that I am not exaggerating... at that exact moment, the poodle vomits on his foot. The other dog falls off a chair and the blind dog runs into the sliding glass door.

I just looked at him and said, "Yep, leaving tomorrow morning sounds about right."

So all the gossimer haze around that relationship is gone. #clearly

It wasn't so much the dog's antics, it was the fact that obviously he was used to the dogs running some emotional interference for him. And I realized in that moment that I want a guy who can just say what he feels rather than going through some kind of bizarre labyrinth.

I know that I should be glad that the rose colored glasses have been taken off and that I have clarity, however I must say, I do miss those violins when thinking of him :-) LOL

Indie Book Event - A Recap of Social Awkwardness

2011-07-31T16:10:00.000-07:00

Glued Back Together - Poignancy Alert!

2011-07-24T16:31:00.000-07:00

I have had a lot of loss this year. Three beloved pets. But they were elderly and I was #somewhat prepared, being a veterinarian and all, for when their end came.

Then a puppy burst into my life, Jaspy J (his rapper name FYI) and brought such joy. You see he was a cat-dog. He climbed cat trees. He peed in litter boxes and his best friend (besides me of course) was a cat.

Sure he had his issues... like having to be within line of sight of me at ALL times, but we truly were best buddies.

But his best quality was that he always worked things out. I didn't want him on my lap. No worries! he would spend fifteen minutes flattening himself into a pancake and sneaking under my laptop until he was wedged between it and me. Mission accomplished!

Then he got sick. It was stupid really. He must have eaten something he shouldn't have. Puppies do that all the time. I treat puppies who do that all the time. No biggie.

But then he started bleeding into his bowel. Okay, maybe not so common but I have treated a million of those and had 999,999 get better.

Yet even after several transfusions he still bled. It was time to take him to surgery.

And we could NOT find the bleeder. I sank to the floor, knowing if surgery did not work, the chances that Jaspy J would pull through were dim.

But he worked things out. He was young. We prayed for a miracle.

And it seemed we got it. For a full week he recovered. I was even ready to take your his sutures when he suddednly crashed again.

This time, this time no amount of praying could pull him through.

When I finally had to put him down, I felt my heart shatter. I mean I FELT it.

At first it was a loud crack and it broke along the major fault lines, but then as those shattered pieces fell the floor I heard the tinkering of a thousands shards scattering across the floor.

I thought this is it. After everything I have been through after all the wounds and all the healing I will end up like Jasper. Doomed to succumb.

I wasn't going to get another dog. Possibly EVER. I felt jinxed and damaged.

I laid awake the next night blaming myself for his death. I combed over every minute of every day trying to figure out what I had done wrong. How could I save so many lives and not my own dog's?

Then the night after I lost him, I fell asleep more out of exhaustion than to find peace.

That is when the dream came. Jasper told me that he did NOT forgive me, simply because there was nothing to forgive.

And by the way, he was finally getting to do his rap since he had a concert and was opening for Tupac. Who knew God was so into rap? LOL

But most importantly Jasper did not want me to be alone so he told me that his cousin was at the pound and in danger of being put down.

I was to look for a female, with his same divet on his nose and white blaze up his forehead.

I woke up feeling hopeful. I still really did not want another dog necessarily, but I felt like I had to at least see if this dream was true.

So I went onto the pound's website and sure enough there was 1 dog that was a girl, with a divet and a blaze. Now if I were to get another dog, I really wanted a male, but who can go against God?

I rushed to the pound but someone else was looking at her. I shrugged and said I would wait. After all Jasper had sent me, I knew that I was going home with her and not someone else.

Sure enough, those other people did not want her.

I was really calm when I walked out to the play yard. "She" was just as cute as promised and loved to jump and kiss your face.

Then we realized "she" was a HE! He had been mis-catagorized as a female!

Tears rolled down my cheek. Here was proof positive that Jasper truly was in heaven and wanted me to be happy.

As always he found a way to make it work. It may not have been perfect or even pretty, but it worked.

Now my heart was not broken... it was glued back together. I am not sure if it will ever beat quite the same, but due to Jasper it is beating once again :-)

I am a horrible flirt...

2011-07-18T04:01:00.000-07:00

No, seriously.

Not like I flirt like crazy, I mean I am horrible at the actual flirting.

So when I heard that this Menage a Blog was all about seducing the reader I knew that I was in trouble. I mean, did the Blog Tour de Force people not read the title of my blog? Dating after 40, okay hoping to Date after 40.

My seduction skills are... let us say rusty #rustedthrough

I mean the closest I come to seduction any more is to convince the guy at our local BBQ joint to give me an extra side of sauce for free. And then half the time he still charges me the 50¢!!!

So you can see why I was a little bit nervous about competing today with Amber Scott and Deena Remiel.

Come on, Amber Scott is not only a huge Kindle bestseller but writes "highly addictive paranormal romance." Her title is Fierce Dawn and has a total hotty angel on the cover (which begs the question is he naughty or nice?). I mean just looking at the cover makes me want to jump into bed with her #book.

Then I am also up against Deena Remiel with Brethren Beginnings. Um... the cover's got a fabulous picture of a guy with phenomenal abs. She clearly knows my weakness for a nice six-pack!

And the steamy hotness doesn't stop at their covers. Nope, once you start reading, the pages sizzle as you turn them!

Then there is me with my little ole gentle, brand-spanking new YA fantasy 7 Folds of Winter. It is more a book you cozy up to with a nice warm cup of cocoa. The world of 7 Folds is woven in shades of white, blue with splashes of rebellion red. The characters are rich in variety and even though many of them are not even human, they all have such flawed humanity about them.

It is an old school fantasy that relies on powerful storytelling and intricate world building rather than tricks or gimmicks.

So my only hope in this competition today is that after you are done with the hot and steamy roller coaster ride that is Fierce Dawn and Brethren Beginnings, you will want to take a little break, breathe out a deep sigh and curl up with warm fantasy. #otherwise #Iamscrewed :-)

I was contemplating trying to buy you all off with some lasagna (which totally would have worked for me), but then realized... um... I want all the lasagna for myself! #duh #plusalittlemessyinthemail.

So if you take pity on my and my fledgling fantasy, you can vote for me and receive a free eBook of 7 Folds of Winter, by simply leave a comment below (you do need to give Disqus your email address so that I have somewhere to send your eBook).

Let's show them that sweetness and innocence still count! #theydontseemtoinreallife #soletsmakeithappenhere!!!

Don't forget to hit up Tuesday's line up of Lacey Weatherford's The Trouble with Spells (which is deliciously delightful), Terri Giulaino Long's In Leah's Wake (a heartrending story of family), and Rachel Thompson's Dollars & Sense: The Definitive Guide to Self-Publishing Success (which doesn't sound all that hot unless of course you want to make money off your own book, then this book is smokin' sexy!).

If you are reading this after Monday July 18th, no worries! You can still obtain a free copy of 7 Folds of Winter! Just leave a comment below and I will be notified! #latecomerswelcome :-)

Also to stay on top of all the give-aways, check in with the Indie Book Collective for each tour day's official schedule :-)

And again, THANKS so much for participating in such an amazing tour and making it so very special for all of us! #awesomeness

I should bathe more frequently...

2011-07-10T10:22:00.000-07:00

And not for the obvious hygeine issues (although, some days working from home... LOL).

No, what I find is that laying there in the water, my hair swirling around my face, I think more clearly.

The worries and frustrations seep away and I am left with clarity.

Suddenly problems that have vexed me, are resolved. Ideas that have been percolating in the back of my mind, come surging to the forefront, ready for action.

I wish I could say that I am great at meditating. That before bed or in the middle of the day I can sit back, relax and find this focus.

No, there is something magical between the water and myself. Something happens that insulates me from the chaotic, hectic life I normally lead. Let me be clear. I do not light candles, turn off the lights and create a sacred space.

Nope, I am usually in a hurry, late for work, rushing to get ready.

Yet each time, no matter how my body wants to race forward, there is a magical moment when my mind balks and whispers quietly... stay... rest a while.

So from now on, I think I am going to make sure to savor the baths I take every day (okay, every other day... fine you caught me, every three days #hopefully) :-)

Writing... Um... what's the end result?

2011-06-26T22:35:00.000-07:00

In the olden days (read three years ago), you shopped this manuscript around to agents and publishers and crossed your fingers that it sold. If it didn't... um... #crap That manuscript was dead in the water. You might as well stash it in a drawer, weep softly then start writing the next one (whose fate more than likely would be the same).

Oh sure, you could VANITY PRESS. But, um, with a name like that and the stigma attached to it, who wanted to do that?

Then the digital revolution happened. Amazon.com opened wide its 'doors,' inviting anyone to publish.

At the same time readers began flocking to digital books and avoiding the traditional brick and mortar stores (hence why Borders is practically out of business and Barnes and Noble is being sold).

The shift in the publishing world cannot be overstated.

And the biggest beneficiary. beyond the reader who know can shop from the comfort of their living room and start reading within moments of purchase? The indie author.

Me. You. All of us.

Now I know there are a lot of stiff backs right now and hackles up, and sure last year we could have argued the merit of self-publishing, but now? Now that the houses are clamping down on purchasing ANY books by new authors? Now self-publishing is nearly your only option.

The Big 6 and every small publishers is hemorrhaging right now. Privately they talk about "catastrophic" declines in sales.

There has never been a worse time to try and sell a book. And try to get a house to fork out any advertising money? Darlin', they just don't have it.

So indie it is... or... you know... store your manuscript's file on your harddrive and start writing the next one.

Luckily many have gone before us though and shown the way and I have had a pretty good run of sales the last year (far better than the VAST majority of published (even mid-list authors) I know ($20,000 and counting this year so far).

And this week the book I wrote with my fellow Indie Book Collective's Co-founders, Amber Scott and Rachel Thompson...
"Dollars & Sense: The Definitive Guide to Self-Publishing" is launching.

"Dollars & Sense" can take the indie publishing neo-phyte from manuscript to publication, using a step-by-step method. The book walks you through making sure your work is in publishable shape, to formatting, to learning social media, to how to potentate your book sales.

And the best part? Thru June 29th it is just 99 cents! Crazy right? A total blue-print for indie publishing success for less than a buck!

So if you have any hopes and dreams about publishing (even if you go traditional publishing, you are going to need to know all this info since your house EXPECTS you to know how to use social media etc to gain name recognition), hop on over to Amazon and pick up your copy! #now #Imeanit :-)

Summer Break has arrived...

2011-06-12T11:55:00.000-07:00

Darn it!

I usually LOVE living at the beach. I mean, who wouldn't? It sounds so beautiful and idyllic. Which it normally is until...

Summer Break. #godhelpme

You know all those kids cheering that they are getting out of school? Do you know exactly where they are going to head? Um... #myhouse

Ok, maybe not all of them, but LOTS and LOTS and LOTS of them.

And it isn't even like when people visit the beach they act safe and sane. They GO CRAZY.

Behavior they would NEVER do, they do... right in front of my bedroom window!

Um... you do realize I can see you making out/taking your bikini top off/beating up your little brother? Right?

And the trash #oy

I bet you that this summer... at least once someone will...
Pee on my car tires
Have sex under my window
Try to climb into my yard, drunkingly trying to find their car
Shoot off fireworks... for no good reason
Shout at 2am "WAHOO" for no good reason (waking the whole house up)
Walking around naked on the beach as if my windows are not facing directly at them

Oh wait. That is a safe bet. Why?
Because they have ALL ALREADY HAPPENED. Yep, one week in and my checklist if complete
#helpme #pleasehelpme

So yes, this is going to be a short blog... because I have to go outside and clean up ice cream containers, sippy cups, and used prophylactics #ah #summer

Eternal Optimist...

2011-06-05T16:23:00.000-07:00

Yes, strangely that turns out to be me. #Iknow #weird

How did I come to be called this? (well, to be honest the person said "you are either an eternal optimist or a masochist, but I chose to go with the former).

It involved Craig's List #ofcourseitdidyousay

You see it all started when I got my 'super-geeky-you-love-Lord-of-the-rings-way-too-much' newsletter from Warner Bros. They KNOW if they put something out, I will buy it, so I get all their super secret special deals.

And low and behold I opened this email with bated breath. I mean LOTR was so long ago. How could they possibly have something NEW to sell me? #yetIhadmycreditcardready #becausewhateveritwas #itwasmine

I find that they are putting out the extended editions onto Blu-Ray. Awesome, of course I pre-order them #duh

But wait... They are putting the EXTENDED versions of the LOTR movies BACK into the THEATERS (and yes, I know I just CAPITALIZED a lot of words, but you must understand my sheer joy and lack of abandon) for 1 night each.

DEAR GOD, MY PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED #no #seriously #alifesdreamofmine

So I rush over to the site and scoop up 2 tickets each for each showing.

I am so happy and so content to know that I will be seeing these films... alone. #oh #crap

Yes, you see while I have such an amazing set of friends, they either live far away (Twitter is great, but gives you a bunch of long distance relationships) or they live nearby but aren't insanely in love with LOTR #weirdIknow And I wanted to go with someone INSANELY in love with LOTR so we could talk each and every delicious detail of the films.

So I automatically reach out to an on-line source.

Without thinking I write an ad on CraigsList... because clearly I confused it with Twitter and all of those nice folks. But I knew I needed something local so I went with CL. And figured, how could I run afoul with a sweet, nice, "do you want to see LOTR with me" ad. #hencetheeternaloptomist

Um.... clearly A LOT.
I love men, but the men on CL are... um let's just say... uncouth (you can substitute, weird, gross, or horny here as well).

How an ad that mentions the term gentlemen THREE times can get you a picture of a penis, I will never know. But get them I did. Now, I must give a few of these credit since they did name their appendages from characters from LOTR. I have a few Legolas, Aragorn and one Gimli. #sigh

So yes, I hope to have my hope spring eternal, I may just not want to have us swimming over in the CL cesspool! :-) LOL #stillcantwaittogo #evenifalone #woot

Gratitude

2011-05-22T16:38:00.000-07:00

As most of you know I created the Indie Book Collective to help authors figure out social media and how to sell their book.

It was been an amazing journey and I have met so many wonderful people. We have created so many outstanding promotions, but this one... Blog Tour de Troops is truly close to my heart.

You see this blog tour isn't about the authors really or the books, or even about you the reader. It is about our men and women in the armed forces. It is about getting as many books to as many troops that want them as possible.

Why is this so important to me? Well, I grew up hearing war stories my whole life. My great-uncle not only lied about his age but traveled to Canada to enlist to fight in World War II before the US even entered the war. He was there on D-Day (after transferring back to the US forces once he was old enough).

I know the sacrifices he made and the scars he carried. Then my youngest great-uncle had been drafted into the Army for Vietnam. Long before it became PC to honor those veterans, my family was advocating for better treatment of wounded soldiers and mental health counseling for them as soon as they came home.

I remember wearing the POW bracelets and being made fun of at school for it, but I wore them anyway.

We live our lives in freedom because of the amazing and sometimes painful sacrifices that our men and women in uniform make.

And I can't tell you have proud I am that as an author, in this small way, that I can give back to our troops!

How can you help???

Super simple. Just comment below and YOU will get a free eBook of either my Patterson-style thriller with a dash of Hannibal, Plain Jane, or my paranormal romance thriller HeartsBlood.

In addition to YOUR free eBook your comment also gets a free eBook for a troop. You can either designate the troop of your choice or we are associated with a non-profit organization that will get the free eBook into the hands of a troop who has requested one!

How awesome is that? Well... it gets even more awesome :-) #duh

Your comment also automatically enters you into a drawing for a new Kindle! Plus we have multiple drawings for new Kindles for one or more soldiers (as more and more authors sign on and we get donations the more Kindles we can give away). #awesome\

While my Blog Tour de Troops day isn't until May 27th, I am accepting comments today through May 31st so feel free to comment today and to send all your family and friends to comment too! The more comments I get, the more eBooks that go to our Troops!

I would also like to thank Toonopolis author, Jeremy Rodden for linking to me through the Blog Tour de Troops. If you haven't visited their site, do so RIGHT NOW and get in on another free eBook (and help another solider get another great read).

Next on the Blog Tour de Troops daisy-chain of awesomeness is the amazing Nicole Galland. Head over there RIGHT NOW to qualify for another eBook and of course win one for a troops as well!

Basically if you work the daisy-chain #ofawesomeness right, you could end up with DOZENS of high quality FREE eBooks for both you and the troops.

If that isn't showing your gratitude, I don't know what else could! #sosimple #sohelpful

Thank you so much for visiting my blog and I can't wait to see your comments. Just simply leave a little comment on what you are grateful for, which book you are interested in, and your email address (please be sure to put it in this form so that evil bots don't find you.... Example: craftycmc at aol dot com).

Also list whether or not you would like a specific soldier to receive their free eBook (and which title). If you do not give me the email (again in the super secret format) address for a specific soldier, I will assume that you would like the eBook donated anonymously to a needy soldier though the non-profit organization we are working with.

Again, thanks so much and if you have any questions on how this works, just leave a comment below and an easy way to reach you (twitter handle, email, FB page) and I will get back to you!

I can't even get_____ right!

2011-05-15T15:52:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I am heading out to Austin and have learned with my bad back one of the best things I can do is get a massage the day before. You know loosen everything up, get the lactic acid out of my muscles.

Great plan. Then of course I have to execute it.

I don't know of any massage places in the area, so I just go to the one closest to my work. It LOOKED clean and respectable.

My first clue might have been the fact there was only one person in the building and she was listening to rap music. Nothing says relaxation like rap.

But as soon as I walked in, she turned it down and apologized... I think. Not to be insensitive but there was a massive language barrier.

I should have inquired into prices then left. Clearly in hind sight this could not have gone any other way, but I only have a few minutes left on my lunch hour and I really want a massage, so I convince myself everything is cool.

After some pointing and gesticulating we figure out that a half hour massage is $30 and a full hour is $50. I opt for the 1/2 (the ONLY smart move I made since entering the building).

We go back to the room which again, looks very nice and an average massage room. She turns on ocean sounds. Okay, maybe this will be fine.

I get undressed, get under the sheet, she comes back...

And strangely asks me... "Do you want a massage?"

Um, I am naked and face down on this table. What the heck else would I want. So only after I say "yes" do I realize that there ARE other kinds of massages. The kind that I do NOT want.

So I try to clarify saying I just want a 'normal' massage. A 'relaxing' massage and all she keeps doing is nodding her head says "Okay, okay."

Dear god, what have I gotten myself into?

Then she puts the tiniest amount of massage oil into her hands and proceeds with the massage. She does not EVER get more oil. And her massage technique is well...

Bracing. Fast. Vigorous.

At one point I realized, oh dear god, this is what a Thoroughbred feels like after a race. It was the equivalent to a horse rub down.

My only salvation is I keep thinking, she can NOT be thinking this is sexy. This bizarre, uncomfortable massage can NOT be leading to a happy ending.

But so far her hands have stayed where they are, but I am having the toughest time being ready for flight while trying to seem super relaxed. That is NOT an easy thing to pull off!

And why didn't I leave? Because what about if I was wrong? I do NOT want to be that middle-class white chick that freaks out at a masseuse. Plus this place is RIGHT by where I work. I do not want to be running down the strip mall with only a thin sheet on #seriously #Ihaveenoughissues

So 90% of the massage goes as planned. There were some awkward moments, there was nothing relaxing about it, and as her hands get drier and drier the massage has become more of an exfoliating exercise than anything, I being to hope I might get through it without anything worthy of a hidden camera.

Then we get to the end of the massage and she jerks (doesn't remove or pull away, just JERKS) the sheet off of me and tells me to "Get Ready."

I do NOT want to know what I should be bracing for! So I pop up, scrambling to gather the sheet under me, and back against the wall.

But there she stands with a hot towel, you know, to wipe off the non-existence massage oil.

Oh.

So I tell her I am fine and want to KEEP the massage oil on my skin.

And now of course, she probably thinks I am the kinky one! #great

So when I tell you I really shouldn't go out in public. #pleasebelieveme!

Mom's Day...

2011-05-08T10:31:00.000-07:00

As most of you know, I had a... let's say complicated relationship with my Mom.

So it is not surprising that this Mother's Day holiday thing can kick up some stuff for me. Add to that my own lack of children (probably my largest regret out of a life I have learned not to be regretful) and Mother's Day can be... stressful.

Some Mother's Days I feel so down and depressed. Like how can I ever right my life if it started out so difficult.

Then other Mother's Days I feel guilty that I don't feel down in depressed. I feel like i should be having a difficult time.

Then there are other Mother's Days like this one.

I just feel... at peace.

Sure tomorrow I may get mad at Mom again for some emotional button she installed, but for today I am just glad she was my Mom and I can honestly honor her for trying as hard as she did to protect me and contain her crazy.

I also honor myself for mentoring so many young women and employees. I may not be a "Mom," Mom, but I have done my fair share of parenting so I can honestly say I have paid it forward.

Then I ask each of the dog's for a kiss... which they are always happy to oblige and call it a day.

So for anyone out there struggling on Mother's Day or any day really, just know 'this too shall pass.' And surprisingly even get better :-) :-) :-)

Happy Mother's Day to one and all :-)

:-)

Saying Goodbye.

2011-05-01T16:40:00.000-07:00

Let me start by saying that "The Office" kicked my ass this week.

Don't get me wrong. I LOVE the "The Office" but to be perfectly honest I was not a huge Michael Scott fan. He was just TOO awkward. It wasn't funny so much as uncomfortable. I have enough bizarre, uncomfortable interactions in my real life, I don't need them in my TV life.

No, what I watched "The Office" for was Pam and Jim. Dwight's out of control bizarreness. And the rest of the gang's exploits.

So it took me a little off-guard when I was so affected by Michael's leaving the show. You thought I would have been relieved, but the writers did such a great job of allowing Michael to grow up.. you know? The guy he could have always been was finally there.

And then this last episode with him? He was so tender and so very vulnerable. I think I cried through the whole thing. Then at the end with Pam? Sobbing.

But it didn't end there. I felt so heavy and depressed after the episode. I tried to shake it off, but couldn't. I watched a few more comedies and a C.S.I. (cuz trying to catch a whacko serial killer is my idea of fun).

Yet I went to bed morose. It wasn't until I tried to go to sleep and that haunting image of Pam up on her tip toes hugging Michael came to me and I started bawling again that I realized my deep sorrow had nothing to do with "The Office."

It had to do with Gary. I was so bitter that I did not have that last hug (see ___ blog for the full story). I too would have stood up on my tippy toes. But unlike Pam, I would have begged, and pleaded, and screamed, and clutched.

I would not have allowed Gary to get on that plane to heaven so peacefully.

If I could have, I would have thrown a scene to end all scenes to keep Gary here with me. I would have done ANYTHING to keep him here.

But as always when I let Gary truly into my heart and even when I am sobbing my heart out thinking that it can never be put back together, Gary comes through.

I let myself imagine what if we truly had been able to actually have that miraculous last hug.

Still, I was clutching, not ready to let him go. Not ready to never see him again. Not ready to never hear him say "I called it."(for the back story see this Lifarre.com article).

Then image came to me of Gary just hugging me so hard, but then making us part.

He looked into my eyes and said, "Queenie's been alone too long."

Of course he was (or at least that part of Gary that I have internalized forever) talking about his favorite dog.

And he was of course right. Queenie had been alone too long in heaven. That was the one and only thing he could have said to me that would have gotten me to stop clutching at him. His time here was done. I didn't like it, but I felt it.

Even though I still cannot see it clearly, I felt last night that there might be some rhythm or reason to this whole life thing. And that while I want to stay here on this plane was long as I am able, I also know what awaits me.

I know once I take that plane into the everlasting sky, who will be waiting for me and then I will get that hug I so desperately crave. #thankyouTheOffice #thankyou

Holy Easter, Batman!

2011-04-24T08:58:00.000-07:00

Finally the day that I... and my taste buds have been waiting for!

Easter!!! (i.e. the end of Lent!)

As you might have heard (you know all those whiney Tweets and blogs) that I had given up candy and fast food. Why I picked both I have no idea (and trust me my roommate and co-workers wonder exactly the same thing!)

But now the blessed day is here.

So first thing this morning I load the dogs into the car and head to a drive-thru McDonalds. And what do you imagine but an Easter miracle! They have cherry pies back! Give me 3!

Loaded down with several sausage McMuffins, cherry pies and a mint shake I head home.

And like a kid at Christmas (or Easter for that matter) I chow down. I am so proud that I didn't even finish off the Red Vines I had my roommate bring home.

Stuffed and satisfied I go to lay back down so I can sleep in when...

The tummy ache hits. And yes, my roommate did in fact warn me about that so now I can't even complain about it in front of her!

I am sure there is a moral to this story which I am sure I would comprehend if I wasn't fantasizing about the 1 cherry pie left in the fridge :-) #seriously #IwonderwhenIwillfeelgoodenoughtoeatit #neverlearn

Let's kick some _____

2011-04-17T16:22:00.000-07:00

A**... feathers off... angel's booty... Take your pick.

Um, wait... most of you may not know what I am talking about so let me back up.

First off there is a free Kindle at stake for you, my loyal reader (explained at the end of this post), but for us authors? We are locked in mortal combat for Blog Tour de Force's: Cage Match.

You see I am in a good spirited (well, at least I am pretending to be good spirited, we shall see by the end of the day) competition against a very good friend of mine and co-founder of the Indie Book Collective, Amber Scott.

That's right, Amber and I are going mano-e-mano today, (virtually of course, because let's face it, if it were in person I would have thrown in the white flag already and gone out for lasagna).

She's got her paranormal romance thriller "Fierce Dawn." #okay #Iwillgiveherthatitisagreattitle

Sure, Fierce Dawn is exciting. And okay, I will give her that her cast of characters are really interesting... and fine... the sexual tension is crackling... and she's got angels and vampires and changelings duking it out for the future of mankind...

But come on, we are talking about her going up against "Plain Jane."

Dark, gritty, intense. "Plain Jane" has am FBI profiler nearly as deadly as the serial killers he hunts. As to sexual tension, as one one reviewer put it "suddenly dysfunctional never sounded so sexy." To say that the profiler and his ex-partner can generate some heat... well... you'll just have to read it to see for yourself.

When I asked my main character, Kent Harbinger, about our odds against Amber's angels and vampires, he said "Give me a pair of silver tweezers. I'll take them both out." And he would. #duh

After all "Plain Jane" is a Patterson-style thriller with a dash of Hannibal. All's I am going to say is that Harbinger can bring it. #andisntafraidto #gothere

So embrace your dark side and comment below about why "Plain Jane" should win today's match and as a thank you, win a free eBook copy of "Plain Jane."

But that's not all! Every comment also gets you entered into the free Kindle give-away!

Want to really amp up your chance to win that free Kindle? Once you get the links/codes to Plain Jane, find your favorite passage (from anywhere past the first few chapters), come back and tell us about it in the comments and get 5 extra entries to win the free Kindle!

Wanna to double that? Just send a friend to this blog today and if they leave a comment about "Plain Jane" and mention you as a referrer, you both get 5 extra entries! #PlainJaneRocks

Then to just make this a crazy, crazy Cage Match, I will be giving out $5 Amazon gift cards randomly through the day to commenters! Yes, this is your lucky day :-)

Please remember to leave me some easy way to contact you in your comment (twitter handle, FB name, email address written out long hand... such as craftycmc at aol dot com to fool the bots) otherwise I can't get you your free eBook, entries into the Kindle and $5 gift cards.

And if you want to get a free copy of Amber's "Fierce Dawn" head over to her blog... tomorrow! You know, after I've won the match today ;-) #notatallcompetitive

Also, head onto the your preferred social media platform and feel free to hand out some smack talk about "Fierce Dawn." #Ambercantakeit

Thanks so much for reading and thanks for being a part of #TeamPlainJane

Facebook is dumb...

2011-04-10T16:11:00.000-07:00

Yes, I know I have probably insulted half of you, but come on! And Yes, I know that I am a social media guru for authors, but come on!

My latest trip to Weirdo-land, I mean my Facebook page, there was a new window on the right hand side that said something like, "These are people your friends are following."

Now on EVERY other social media platform you simply click to add that person. It is how you grow.

And in this circumstance, the person happened to be a sister-in-law of a friend. Do I know her personally. Sort of. Can I recite her social security number? No.

I mean, if you told her who I was, she would be like "Oh, ya, her."

But when I click on the 'friend' button a huge window pops up BORDERED IN RED, that says, unless I know this member PERSONALLY (their caps, not mine), my attempt to friend her will be considered SPAM and I could be suspended.

Um... dude... Facebook is the one that suggested I should follow her! Seriously. Make up your mind.

Are you the social media platform that is so obsessed with making money that you will sell every scrap of my personal information to the highest bidder or are you the platform that will ex-communicate me for daring to reach out to the sister-in-law of a friend.

Seriously. #PickOne

So, I am sorry if I have offended any FB fans, but really... #ComeOn

P.S. When I went to find a graphic for this post, I typed in 'dumb Facebook' and wouldn't you know I had hundreds of pics to choose from. #guessIamnottheonlyone

Guest Post from @RachelintheOC

2011-04-03T16:03:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I think I'm too jaded. Then I think no, it's just the lighting ~

Rachel Thompson, A Walk In The Snark

Carolyn writes about dating after 40. I write about #Mancode from the perspective of having been married for over eighteen years.

But hey, dudes are dudes.

They can be sweet, generous, great cooks, and generally lovely when it comes to sharing their omelets with you. They can also be selfish with the TV remote, terrible housekeepers, and forgetful when it comes to remembering to buy your particular brand of coffee at the store. Every freakin time they go. #Sigh

My book A Walk In The Snark: Best of RachelintheOC focuses on the goofy things men do (#Mancode) and how we chicks deal with it. I also help the guys out in understanding how women function (why they don’t get Chick Time or Shoe Math is beyond me #pft ) through my #Chickspeak essays.

But who am I? I’m no therapist (though if you want to know how to make a dirty martini, I’m your gal). And how did I go from blog to book?

Well, I started my RachelintheOC.com blog a few years ago but really hit my stride last year with my first #Mancode essay, Men are from Seinfeld, Women are from Friends. I’m a WAHM (Write At Home Mom) who just got tired of my guy never changing the toilet paper roll. For eighteen years. The response was huge, overwhelming. Clearly, I wasn’t the only chick whose dude had household paper product allergies.

Why can men change the world but not the toilet paper roll?

I continued to write #Mancode posts and found a kernel of an idea. Why not expand my female-centric essays to include something for the guys? I had a growing Twitter presence and my male followers responded overwhelmingly positively: what are chicks thinking? What do we mean when we say “I’m Fine?” So I started my #Chickspeak essays to clue them in.

And I was off.

There are some poignant pieces mixed in where you see that being a redhead in a sea of blondes (I do lives in the OC after all) is not all beaches and martinis. But hey, that’s real life, baby.

I hope you’ll purchase my eBook (no Kindle required) for just 99 cents starting today through midnight Wednesday on Amazon as part of the Indie Book Collective’s special Bestseller For A Day’s big promotion! Help propel A Walk In The Snark to the top of the Kindle Top 100 chart and show traditional publishing how successful indie authors can be!

As my Bonus Buy (2 for the price of 1), you can also purchase a fabulous collection of short stories and poems by fab fellow author Kimberly Kinrade. Her book Bits of You & Pieces of Me is also just 99 cents BUT if you return to the site and fill out our fairly painless form, Kimberly will rebate the purchase price. #Woot! Also, you get five entries into my contest to win up to FIVE $10 Amazon Gift Cards!!

SECRET CONTEST: Purchase my book, then visit MY blog. Head over to me at RachelintheOC.com and leave me your favorite quote from the middle of A Walk In The Snark (to confirm purchase) and I will throw my own little Amazon Gift Card party!

Yep. Prove to me your undying love – okay, okay just show me you purchased my book – and I’ll enter your name into my own RachelintheOC.com drawing to win a $50 Amazon Gift Card! I will randomly choose TWO winners so that’s $100 worth of reader love. Who says you can’t buy love #Ijustcrackmyselfup

Please email me if you have any questions or comments at RachelintheOC@gmail.com or come visit my blog anytime RachelintheOC.com or Twitter or Facebook or Goodreads. I’m everywhere (except, ya know, the kitchen). I also cofounded the Indie Book Collective (along w/ founder Carolyn McCray) and teach writers ePublishing, social media and other cool stuff—find me on the @IndieBookIBC stream every day.

Special thanks to Carolyn for letting me guest blog today. No lasagnas were harmed in the making of this blog post.

I really should not interact with strangers...

2011-03-27T16:09:00.000-07:00

Or even friends of friends of friends.

Let me set the stage.

I am fostering a puppy. My receptionist's brother's best friend's niece might be interested. But they want to meet the puppy.

Great! Wait, what? I have to be there. #ohdear.

But I am brave and want this puppy to get a good home, so I say sure, come on over. Wait, what? They want to come over at 7:30pm? Um, do they not realize that is just 1/2 hour before my bedtime?

But again, sure. The puppy wants a good home.

For the first ten minutes I am so proud of myself. I have not done anything stupid or weird or downright bizarre.

Then they want to meet Princess, because she sounded like a really cute Chihuahua.

I get very excited and jump up and right in front of them push out my chest, start unzipping my jacket and say "You're gonna love this!"

Ah, the look of pure horror on their faces. I then clarify "I've got a Chihuahua in my bra."

Again, that clarification never seems to calm people down.

Luckily Chief, the Chihuahua that lives in my bra is pretty damn cute so as soon as he sticks his head out of my shirt, everyone calms down and stops dialing 911 (or at least waits before they hit 'dial') LOL

So again. I really shouldn't interact with strangers #ever #youwouldthinkIwouldlearn

Lent - My favorite time of year!

2011-03-20T15:33:00.000-07:00

No! Seriously! I mean it!

New Year's. Smoo-Years. Give me Lent any time!

Okay, so maybe it isn't all fun and games. Maybe my relationship with Lent is a little bit of a love/hate relationship. I love giving things up for Lent. I love committing to a sacred bond. And then you know... the week's pass.

Dear God they pass. And pass and pass.

Exactly how long is 6 freaking weeks anyway? How can 42 days stretch out into an eternity? #HOW

But for all my moaning and complaining, Lent sets me up right for the rest of the year.

A little discipline in a life otherwise filled with indulgence.

Um, how many more days of this do I have to go through????? LOL

So if you happen to sit down to a meal with my favorite foods (you know 'em... lasagna, lemon merange pie, Twix) think of me and pray this 6 weeks flies by! :-) :-) :-)

SXSW - An After-Action Report!

2011-03-13T16:18:00.000-07:00

Yes, I survived social interaction! #shockingIknow

I mean, there were only three or four times that I felt like running away from a group of people, screaming with my hands over my hear. That must be some kind of record (and for those of you just joining craftycmc, I mean it is a record for how LOW that number is. Check out my "Anti-Social blog" for the full story!)

I also made no major social gaffs (ok, there was the time @RachelintheOC and I couldn't get out of a taxi-van in high heels, but that is for another blog).

And this is going to shock anyone who has been reading me for a while. Things worked out as planned! I know, right? No stranded seal pups (read here for that adventure), no shouting out inappropriate things in a crowd (read my "This is a nice rack" for that one), and (unfortunately) no Chihuahua in my bra popping out at the most inopportune times.

Nope, for this trip I was all professional and stuff! I even wore make-up (yes, I know that is one of the seven seals breaking).

And, *gasp* I did really well on the panel. Lots of questions thrown my way regarding self-publishing (I am the founder of the Indie Book Collective after all) and after I got off the dias I was swarmed with people (and STILL I did not run screaming away *ya*me*). I even got a few interviews with national publications out of the deal.

So the moral of this story? Sometimes it is worth leaving your beach home and Chihuahuas. Of course, will that said I flew out the day after the panel and as soon as I got home put a Chihuahua in my bra, but hey, you can't expect a leopard to change all her spots in one weekend! :-) :-) :-)

*Super, duper absolutely stupendous update!!! My article on how to better sell your books on Amazon.com has been posted on the Digital Book World site, right here! #Imaybehyperventilating #notsure

Well... Did I do it?

2011-03-06T15:56:00.000-08:00

Yes, there are many, many ways to take that question, however I am talking about my Bestseller for a Day with "30 Pieces of Silver" and did I land a NY agent?

Well, that story is still to be told. Yes, Bestseller for a Day did in fact get "30 Pieces of Silver" into the hands of a NY agent. Now we must all wait with bated breath, crossing our fingers and toes, and holding our breath (well, at least I will be :-)

The great news is that "30 Pieces of Silver" peaked at #183! That's right out of 4,000,000 books my little ole controversial thriller was 183! And not just that but it also captured the #1 slot for Men's Adventure last Monday, but it also popped in and out of the #1 spot Tuesday and Wednesday!

So yes, it was a pretty amazing ride!

But now on the to the next one! SXSW. #crap #Ihavetotalktopeopleinperson

I love being a social media expert. I love being a self-publishing expert. I even love doing conference panels. But then all good things must end and I have to come down off the dias and mingle with....GASP... strangers!

Can you imagine? Well, actually you don't have the imagine. You can read this post about last year's Bloggy Boot Camp.

Luckily my partner in crime, @RachelintheOC is going with me. Now, let's be clear. I will still say incredibly awkward things. I will wander away from conversations because I am just done with them and I will in fact get myself into some Keystone cop impossible situation, but at the very least I will have Rachel there to explain to everyone... "Oh, she's just anti-social."

Check back next week to find out SXSW went and to see if my dream agent even knows my name :-) LOL

My Hopes and Dreams Hinge on You Today...

2011-02-27T14:37:00.000-08:00

But, hey, not too much pressure right? LOL

Sorry, but today (Feb 28th, 2011 in case you read this later, which please keep reading because you late comers are my plan "B") could change my life (and win you a Kindle or part of my $150 Amazon gift card give away, but details on that later).

And not in the usual way of... if only I had lasagna I know I would feel loved.

No, today is one of those days when my luck could truly turn around.

Why, you ask?

Well, thank you so much for the interest!

You see I am participating in "Bestseller for a Day." This event attempts to drive as much traffic to a single author's Kindle page and shoot it up the charts.

The hope being, that we prove that an indie author can compete with the big boys, at least on Amazon.

And my controversial historical thriller (ala Da Vinci Code) "30 Pieces of Silver" is the Bestseller for a Day.

You can only imagine how nervous I am.

Because I have done all my leg work. Not only have I written a completely kick-a** thriller (or so NYT Bestseller James Rollins says), but I have lined up an agent who is watching my Amazon numbers very closely today.

If I do well enough, I'm agented by a major NY agent.

If I don't... well, I will just hang my head in shame and beg #seriously #youknowIwill #Ihavenoshame #evenwhenIshould #sopleasesaveme #frommyself

So if you have ever liked a single word I have ever written or thought, "that girl deserves a break", or you just pity me for my lack of a love life, please head on over to "30 Pieces of Silver's" Amazon page and plunk down your hard earned 99 cents and buy the danged book!

Even if you don't enjoy thrillers per se (like the work of such authors as James Rollins, Steve Berry, Brad Thor, and Clive Cussler) buy the book anyway. It is NOT DRM so you can give the sucker away to someone who could appreciate it.

And to sweeten the deal, Bestseller for a Day also has a "Bonus Buy." Basically if you buy "30 Pieces of Silver" today with my Patterson-style thriller with a dash of Hannibal, "Plain Jane," I will refund you the complete purchase price of either "Plain Jane."

Basically you could end up with 2 books for under a buck when it is all said and done. How awesome is that???

I haven't asked much of you... oh wait... I usually do want your adoration and unswerving devotion, but besides that and well, advice on my love life, I haven't asked for much #justworkwithmehere

But today, I do ask for you to do something incredibly meaningful for me. Purchase "30 Pieces of Silver" and help get me the agent I have always dreamed of.

Because, I mean, how often do you really get the chance to transform someone's lives and make a dream come true, especially for just 99 cents! (and yes, I am still talking about "30 Pieces of Silver" and not a blind date with Steve McGarrett... although.... LOL).

Now, you are probably saying, that's wonderful Carolyn, but, um... what about that Kindle you are giving away or even the "Insta Win" $5 gift cards that I am giving away today (Feb 28th).

For super detailed instructions on how to enter any and all of those, just head on over to www.bestsellerforaday.com

Basically you can always get 1 entirely free entry, but the entries really pile up if you buy "30 Pieces of Silver" and especially if you go in for the "Bonus Buys."

The winner of the Kindle will be Announced on next Monday's blog so check back then, and be watching your email since you could also win some of those 'insta' win $5 Amazon gift cards!

Again, thank you all for your support! #inadvance :-)

Spoiled #cubed

2011-02-20T15:54:00.000-08:00

I miss Jiffy Pop.

Sure, I am certain I can still find some, somewhere and pop my own corn on the stove, but then I think...

Orrrrr I could just nuke some and sit down for a few minutes and check my email while it pops.

Plus in this day and age of more and more powerful microwaves it is hard to remember a time when 10-15 minutes shaking a thing on the stove was considered 'Jiffy.'

So, yes, Jiffy Pop still exists, but I am just too spoiled to use it. I can just close my eyes, listen to the microwave popcorn, smell the scent and imagine how much more fun it would be if I were doing it on the stove. #goodenoughforme

I also get mad at my phone at work. Did you know I actually have to dial the numbers? I have to press actual buttons to make things happen. And guess what if I mis-dial a number I have to start ALL OVER AGAIN??? What is up with that?

Oh, ya, it is actually how phones have worked since their invention. I just got spoiled by my iPhone.

And speaking of an iPhone (which I do frequently and with great love and devotion), as I was typing this blog, I made several spelling errors. Now you would think I would be content that the the program highlighted mis-spelled words.

But no, even that is not enough for me. I want them auto-corrected. Just fix it already!

Yes, technology has spoiled me. But oh how I love my tech in return.

Once you've had tech... well, you are too busy playing with it to care about much else :-)

Who's with me?
Tell me your "spoiled" moments!

Hawaii 5-Valentine's-Day-Hottie-Alert-O

2011-02-13T16:36:00.000-08:00

You can imagine how it pains me to tell you that I have had to call things off with Nathan Fillion*
*in my head, of course.

Yes, the heart (or parts south therein) have a mind of their own.

I am of course talking about Steve McGarrett from Hawaii 5-O. Now let's be clear, not Alex O'Loughlin who plays Steve, but the actual character.

I mean, I am sure he is a nice guy and all, but I want that overly-responsible, emotionally cut off hunk of a guy Steve.

Which is different from Nathan. Would I like to have my way with Castle? Sure. Mal from FireFly? Absolutely. Even Dr. Hammer from Dr. Horrible's Sing-a-long Blog. Let's go.

Why? Because, god love Nathan, whatever character he plays, he just brings so much of himself to the part..He feels cuddly and warm and comforting.

Plus I bet he even jiggles just a little when he does it. Which for a long term relationship is awesome.

But Steve and his rock hard abs? His bulging biceps. Really I need to stop now before I cross some invisible PG-13 line

I am sure I will regret this imaginary decision in a few seasons when Steve has left me worn out and crying as he moves on to his next conquest.

So as much as it pains me, especially on Valentine's day, Nathan, it is over. Truly over. Not just for the summer or winter hiatus, but forever. Please don't make this awkward by texting or stalking me on Facebook (wait, I think that was me).

So I introduce to the world my new imaginary boyfriend... Steve McGarrett.
Girls, look, but do NOT touch :-)

Also in case anyone has been living in a cave, besides being Valentine's Day, it is also Feb 14th, which means Amber Scott's romantic comedy is the "Bestseller for a Day!"

Please head over to her Amazon.com page and help her climb the Kindle Charts!
Plus if you buy "Play Fling" for just 99 cents today, you qualify for 2 Bonus Buys!
That's right, if you buy Amber's paranormal erotica (and who wouldn't after thinking about McGarrett's bulging... biceps) "Love Lust" and/or my paranormal romance/urban fantasy (with some pretty hot scenes as well) "HeartsBlood" Amber and I will rebate you the entire purchase price of the bonus buys!

Head on over to www.bestsellerforaday.com to learn more about this incredible event or just head straight to Play Fling's Amazon page!

Until next week!

Betty White... Kicks A**

2011-02-06T16:25:00.000-08:00

That's right, I said it. She kicks booty.

I wish I could kick as much booty NOW, forget when I approach 90 years old. I want to be as delightful, talented, gung ho and adorable as her at 46.

Of course there is absolutely no hope for that, but still I pine.

I remember Betty White as being OLD when I was a kid. I mean, I thought she was fun and entertaining, but wow, look at that hair.

Ah, how very naive I was!

Why does nearly every young person truly believe they will never get old?

I mean, I knew I would get older but the concept that at some point I would actually be 46 years old with wrinkles forming and white hair sprouting up never occurred to me. Truly one of those WFH moments in life.

WHEN DID I GET OLD???

But I feel lucky. At the least I have Betty White. Because now am I not just starting to accept that fact that I will age and get to 90, I now WANT to get to 90!

Betty White. Showing my generation that getting old still sucks, but at least you can still kick some a**

Memories #poignancyalert

2011-01-30T16:19:00.000-08:00

I used to dislike memories. Or at least the ones I tended to dwell on. They were not pleasant. But even when I would stumble upon a happy memory, I braced and got nearly stiffer over those, spending all my time trying to stuff it back down again.

It was like they were almost worse for reminding me what I had that I had 'lost.'

If you've read my blog for any length of time (which, um, I commend you for sticking it out so long #clearly #thereissomethingwrongwithyou ;-), you will have read my blogs about Gary and such.

And then this year I lost not one beloved pet, not two, but three. Of course they were all around the same age and lived long, healthy lives, they just all decided to depart within months of each other (if you would like to read more about my pets, head over to @pupsinteacups and there is a "The Band is Back Together" blog here).

I honestly, thought, how am I going to get through this? The last two occurred during the holiday season, already a tough one for me.

But the most wonderful thing has happened. I am grieving. Actual real grieving. And it turns out actual healthy grieving isn't about balling up in a corner and sobbing until you run out of tears.

Sure there is crying, but there is also remembrance. There is also remembering the good times, and without shying away. To remember the good with the not so good and not either shove it down or alternatively CLING to the good. To let it all flow over you and let it carry you to a happier place.

I love my memories now. And I realized that I have held back so many wonderful stories about Gary and all the other people and pets I have lost because it just hurt too much to remember them.

Well, not any more. I know it won't be perfect, but now if a memory or story comes up I am going to try to not fight it, but let it well up inside and fill me with joy. A misty joy (kind of like the picture above) perhaps, but joy none the less! :-)

But don't worry, I will still obsess over pink and have way deeper feelings for lasagna than I should #cuz #thatisjusthowIroll

And don't forget that today is the LAST day of the Blog Tour de Force! That's right, this is the last chance for you to enter to win the Grand Prize of a KINDLE! #holycow

So hop on over to the Indie Book Collective's blog and enter! #doit #now #hurry #beforeyouforget... #again :-)

Rain....

2011-01-23T16:25:00.000-08:00

Rain, rain... stay today and never, ever go away!

I believe I might have a fictitious mental disorder "Reverse Seasonal Affect." The grayer it is, the happier I am.

Because, in short, the sun bums me out. Besides the whole photosynthesis thing, do we really need to see the sun? #really

Can't it impart its radiation through thick cloud cover? #seriously #theresgottobeaway

You would think that rain would frustrate me with all the dogs. I mean they HATE water falling from the sky. It is just wrong.

But even standing out in a soaking wet yard, with rain drops beating on my head, I am happy. Yes, I am yelling at the dogs to get their business done and I have to change my pants from sitting on the sopping wet patio chair, but I am good.

Everyday after a long stretch of rain, my co-workers ask "Had enough rain yet?"

Um, no, actually I haven't.

And let's be clear, I like every different kind of rain. Just like Eskimos have a 100 different words for snow, I embrace every type of precipitation.

Drizzle is nice. It coats my eyelashes without making the dogs dodge in terror from the rain drops.

A sudden shower is a beautiful surprise filling the air with that charged scent (and knocking all the damned pollen out of the air, but that's for another blog)

And even though the dogs may cower under the bed during a thunderstorm, I'm at the window, my nose pressed against the pain, taking it all in.

So if you are rushing down the street, your hood pulled over your head, trying to get out of a down pour and you see a woman (I would imagine in pink) strolling along, smiling... that would probably be me :-)

And yes, this has been an uncommonly upbeat and hopeful blog post #dontgetusedtoit :-)

Also, don't forget to check out Keta Diablo's "Where The Rain Is Made." She is today's stop on the Blog Tour de Force (click here to view her site). To learn more about this amazing blog tour (it ain't your Grandma's blog tour, that's for sure!) check out www.blogtourdeforce.com

Remember, that every entry on every stop of the tour is an entry into the Grand Prize drawing for a Kindle!

And to celebrate the Blog Tour de Force, I am once again giving away a FREE copy of "HeartsBlood" to anyone who comments below! #yippeeeee :-)

Blog Tour de Force

2011-01-16T16:37:00.000-08:00

Stop #1 HeartsBlood!

That's right, people!

The Blog Tour de Force has officially begun and this little ole blog is where the fun begins!

For any of you who have been living in a cave, I am one of the founders of the @IndieBookIBC plus I write a bunch of stuff. And I would love a bunch of people to read my bunch of stuff. So with @amberscootbooks, @rachelintheoc and @LMStull we threw together the mother of all blog tours!

"Get Loaded...Your eBook reader that is"

That's right, 12 authors banded together to put together a Grand Prize package that includes... wait for it... a Kindle!

That's right, you can win a Kindle and not only that but have it loaded with all 12 authors books plus a gift basket filled with gifts from each author.

Even the 1st Prize is off the hook with all 12 authors giving your their eBook for free! And those are just the overall prizes.

Each stop on the way will have its own set of prizes from the author. Free eBooks. Free signed paperback copies. Individual gift baskets. You name it, it'll probably be given away!

But, let's get back to me #myfavoritetopic

Today we are celebrating my paranormal romance/urban fantasy "HeartsBlood"

How would I describe it? Um... how about I let a few reviewers do it for me?

“Oh. Dear. God. I loved HeartsBlood!

When I was reading it, I couldn't put it down. When I wasn't reading it it was all I could think about. I loved that I couldn't figure out what was coming next. The plot was truly spellbinding.

Seriously, I laughed, I cried, I worried. And when I finished the book I wanted to pick it back up and start from the beginning again.”

Lori W. (@funkycakes)

“HeartsBlood is a paranormal romance? I hate to argue with Carolyn, but this is a kick-but-and-take-names urban fantasy. No, it is a thriller. Wait. I think it might be an action packed story of love and magic that defies classification!

I fear only women will read HeartsBlood when it was one of the most exciting thrillers I have read in a long while!

Guys, take note HeartsBlood is for you too!”

Ben Hopkin (@actingnodrama)

Also please check out my review sponsors...

I really appreciate all their kind words! Please check each and every one of them out for their opinion of "HeartsBlood" (because Lord knows you shouldn't trust me!) plus find even more ways to enter the Grand Prize Drawing for that "Loaded Kindle!"

So Amber told me I needed to write something really pithy and fun for this blog. You know, something I hadn't told any other reviewer. That I really needed to hit it out of the park.

Obviously she has never read anything previous on this blog otherwise she would have known it was a lost cause (and thank gawd I am going first so you can't judge me against the others!).

But what I can say is... If Tyr (the uber-hot, stubbled, tall, dark and dangerous hero from HeartsBlood) came walking down the street...

a) I would swoon

b) He would step over my unconscious body

c) I would be okay with that!

The other really cool thing about the Blog Tour de Force is that I got meet a lot of really great other indie authors. The first I'd like to mention is Kris Tualla. Her "A Matter of Principle" is historical fiction at its best.

The third in her series, you are going to love the chemistry and romance of Nicholas and Sydney. Set in St. Louis during the 1800s, the plot unfolds like a delicious meal. Tempting tidbits of mystery to start, building to an incredibly satisfying conclusion, with, of course, a silky smooth dessert to finish it all off with.

You are going to want to immediately go out and buy books 1 & 2! I know I did!

"A Matter of Principle's" Blog Tour day is tomorrow 1/18 so hit her up here! #seriously #Iwillbewatching

Then there is Susan Schreyer's "Death by a Dark Horse." Being a veterinarian you can imagine how hooked I was by a book with one of the main characters being a horse suspected of murder! I mean, come on! I get to use my veterinary and my love of police procedure to solve a crime! How often does that happen #notnearlyenough

Even if you aren't a horsey-girl like myself, I think you will find the complicated relationships and exquisite mystery more than satisfying in and of itself.

Susan's blog day is January 29th. Mark your calendars so you can hit her up here (or better yet sign up for our newsletter so you don't have to 'remember' anything! Get a daily reminder along with author news and super secret BONUS ways to enter the Kindle give away!).

Also don't forget that the tour will conclude at the Indie Book Collective on January 31st with an incredible scavenger hunt for loads of different ways to enter the Grand Prize drawing for that free Kindle!

Plus you can go to www.blogtourdeforce.com and sign up for our newsletter - just that alone gets you 5 entries into the drawing for brand spanking new Kindle, plus you get fun content from the authors and EXCLUSIVE ways to rack up lots of entries! Sign up NOW!

But what about HeartsBlood you ask? What spectacular prizes are you giving away TODAY?

Why, I am so glad you asked!!!

First off, anyone who follows this blog and leaves a comment (even 'yo, Carolyn') gets a free eBook! #howawesomeisthat

Second my gift basket is in my opinion, kicks some serious booty!

Not only do you get a free eBook, but you also get a signed paperback copy of "HeartsBlood" along with a gift basket that includes some blood red nail polish (for obvious reasons), a cut crystal necklace just like the one in "Heartsblood," and a hand-stained and burned-in leather bookmark. A truly unique keepsake! And a "Hello Kitty" pen, just to keep it real. #Iamsuchagiver

How do you enter for the "HeartsBlood" gift basket? Simple!

Simply go to smashwords.com and download your free 100 pages. Then simply leave a comment with your favorite line from pages 24-30! #toldyouitwassimple!

Oh, and did I mention that I need your help to kick the other author's butts? Because for us authors there is a free book trailer at stake! And I know how much you want me to be the proud winner! So please remember to go the the Indie Book Collective blog on Jan 31st and vote for me!!! #youknowyouwanna :-)

Alright, I am going to wrap this puppy up with a great big THANK YOU to all my readers, hope you enjoy "HeartsBlood" and I can hardly wait to see who wins my gift basket!

Turns out... I am a Squirrel

2011-01-09T16:08:00.000-08:00

Weird, right? (but not entirely unexpected).

Yes, I had this sad realization the other day when I was talking to my boss about my new office.

I thought that I was a well educated, but slightly goofy human. Nope, it turns out I have been a squirrel this whole time.

You see this came up as we were discussing the new clinic we are moving into. I get my own office!

Awesome, right? I was so excited, chattering on (which might have been another sign of my inner squirrel heritage, but moving on) about how excited I was.

Then my boss said, "Wait, I am not sure if we are going to have locking cabinets. Why would you need to lock the cabinets?"

Um... duh... to stash my food.

"What do you mean stash your food?"

You know all my chips and snacks and... well... you guess it.... nuts.

Yep the only reason I cared about having my own office was not for privacy or for the status or even the fact my internet browser won't have porn on it. Nope, it was so I could... squirrel away even more food.

Luckily my boss just shook her head and laughed, "Locking cabinets it is!"

I then scurried away happy as can be, dug around in my purse found some Ritz crackers and nibbled on them in my excitement.

Yes, it is time to simply accept it. I am a squirrel. It makes it so much easier than finding another excuse for all the chittering :-)

Don't do Resolutions! Do Normalizations!

2011-01-02T16:09:00.000-08:00

I mean, come on. At my age I am not going to change that much.

So I could go through the whole New Year's Resolution thing, then hang my head in shame... like later today when I eat that cookie.

Or I thought I could do a New Year's Normalization! How about I stop worrying about improving and try to just keep myself above water?

Let's take "be a better person." This year, this year I just want to not be a worse person. Don't get grumpier. Don't get pissed off at the current generation (any more than I do now). Try to not develop road rage.

Those are lofty goals too, right?

This year another 'Normalization' is to only break one bone this year. Yes, I know a silly thing to have to say but since I broke two last year, I figure just 1 this year is getting me closer to that golden 'no bones broken' normal goal.

In terms of eating. Sure I could give up sugar or molasses or lasagna, but we all know how that goes (now for Lent, that is a totally different story).

So my 'normalization' for this year is to NOT find a new food I just can't live without. Because let's face it. If I add another 'favorite' food to my already exceptionally long list of favs, I will never get out of Costco (cuz if you are going to buy a fav food, buy it in BULK - wait I might want to make a 'normalization' around that too #nah)!

Yes, this year I resolve to not slip further down the slippery slope of... everything.

Will you join me in this new movement to 'normalization?' #hehehe #Isaidmovement #darn #alreadybeingsillierthanlastyear

One of my fondest Christmas memories...

2010-12-19T16:47:00.000-08:00

As we learned back in one of my other #poignancyalert blogs, that I lost Gary, the man who served as my father-figure, during the Santa Cruz earthquake.

You probably have a sense of my loss and devastation, but I thought this Christmas season I would give you a gift of the joy that he brought to me in the form of one of my most cherished memories with him.

You see to us Christmas was a SEASON. The entire house was decked out in a specific theme and we actually built a life sized nativity scene. I mean LIFE-SIZED!

I am talking manager, camels, wise men, donkeys... and an angel.

Now, of course we couldn't make it to scale for the star of Bethlehem to be way up in the sky, however, we could put that star, and the angel, all the way up at the top of the pine tree.

Not only were we competing with other home decoration enthusiasts, people would drive for miles and miles, and even from counties away to see our nativity.

So to say this was a big deal to us would be a massive understatement.

Which you would assume we would be completely ready every year for the judges... um #notsomuch

You see if we were even close to being ready, Gary would think of some new, great, awesome thing to add to the nativity and off we would go, making ourselves late... yet again.

Therefore it was no great surprise that this one year, we were late in getting the angel up. The only problem was, Gary was in a cast and there was a violent wind storm. Who in the world was going to get that angel those thirty feet all the way up to the top of the tree?

I remember Gary looking down at me (I was 10) and just asking with his eyes. Because, you know, we seldom had to talk, we just got each other.

Now I had climbed that tree before, but under these circumstances? Branches were being ripped off by the sheering winds and at 30 feet above ground level that tree was MOVING.

I said, "I'm not sure I can do it."

Gary: "What do you mean 'I'? It'll be both of us up there."

Of course, I knew that he couldn't climb the tree with his cast, but I knew exactly what he meant.

So with Barbara Streisand blaring (I did mention he was gay, right?) and Gary holding the ladder, I strapped that angel to my back and climbed (and yes, I want to thank Gary for simply giving me a ton of stories that have statements like... "with an angel strapped to my back"! #solucky).

It was the scariest thing I had ever done, but each time the tree seemed ready to toss me out, I just looked down to Gary and was strengthened by his smile. I am not sure if I have ever felt prouder.

I got the angel up. We won the competition.

Now of course looking back, if that had happened these days I am sure Gary would have been turned into child services and that darned angel got blown out of the tree like a gazillion times and I ended up climbing that tree dozens more times that year (and officially became the angel hanger), but I would not trade that singular moment when his smile shown through the storm for anything.

Especially now that he is gone. When I fret and feel sad, I just remember his words "It'll be both of us up there."

And he was right. He is right next to me. Every day... whether I am up a tree or not.

Thank you, Gary. I can't imagine a more lasting Christmas gift.

God Bless.

Holiday Cheer

2010-12-12T16:52:00.000-08:00

Ok, so this isn't really about Holiday Cheer, but I wanted to make you feel better before you read about what my real subject is...

The Work Christmas Party.

Dear gawd. Why in the world did we EVER invent these things?

Because let's face it... the people you like at work you hang out with outside of work. If you aren't hanging out with them outside of work well... you probably don't actually like them all that much.

So now for some reason around the holidays you have to 'party' with them?

And when did the Christmas party become a high school hook up party? I mean, we might as well be playing spin the bottle. And the debauchery? #drinking #drugs #dryhumping #yikes

But if you don't go... then you are the 'wet blanket.'

Somehow if I don't want to spend four UNPAID hours with people that I am only civil to because it is my job to get along with them and now have to watch them drunkenly tell me how sorry they are for treating me poorly (which they never remember the next day FYI) or watch the melt down as a co-worker finds her husband in the closet with our receptionist.

Um... ya, I am going to pass this year.

Because you know what? I've got plenty of holiday cheer right here at home. And at this 'party' I don't have to pretend to like anyone! #wahoo!!!

#an #antisocialblog #duh

Lasagna

2010-12-05T16:20:00.000-08:00

Really, should I have to write anything more?

My love affair with lasagna runs far back and despite the fact I am of Scottish origin and this is the season of turkey and ham, I felt compelled to speak of my love.

Whether you are a meat, Florentine or even vegan Lasagna person, is there anything better?

Now some pizza folks will argue with me.

And yes, I know they both have a delicious carb base. They have red sauce goodness and bubbly cheese. Plus most add some form of 'topping' or filling.

So what sets lasagna apart? Is it the ricotta cheese?

On its own, ricotta is kind of... well... disgusting. I mean, how many people just dip their finger into the ricotta and go 'yum.' But some how that ricotta once baked into its proper place in the lasagna structure simply sings!

Still some may argue against even the mighty ricotta.

So to you folk who are still cheering on pizza, let me ask you this one simple question.

How many pieces of pizza to you have to eat to feel full? For me, at least 3-4.

But with Lasagna... Ah... one heavenly square of that hearty casserole and I am in tummy-full heaven.

How about you? Lasagna or Pizza. Comment on your fav below!

Because there is no in between!

Let's go visit Roomie!

2010-11-28T16:15:00.000-08:00

Yes, that is the extent of my wanderlust these days.

Different rooms of the house are considered 'travel.'

Now before you start throwing labels around like 'agoraphobic' or 'weirdo,' remember I live on the beach. Not nearish the beach or a few blocks away, but ON THE SAND.

Going upstairs is considered 'a trip.' And definitely going out to the garage is an adventure.

I know it is hard to comprehend how lured in you get, until you live here.

I don't have to 'go to the beach, ' I can just look out the window to the surf. My backyard is a sand dune... literally. My side yard is the Pacific ocean.

Now if we stayed in our house all the time anywhere else, that would be sad and more than a little pathetic, but when your windows open up to the beach, you feel included in everything going on out there.

Just yesterday we watched a game of sand volley ball, waved to the surfers, cheered on a Golden Retriever catching a Frisbee. All without having to leave the comfort of our home.

We have decided we aren't 'agoraphobic' but 'inland-aphobic.'

Because going inland requires that we get in the car, which means we have to put on shoes which means we have to FIND our shoes (I know, a sin against my incredible shoe collection).

Which is just WRONG.

Do I expect you to have sympathy for me? Of course not. I am assuming you are bitter and jealous #asyouhaveeveryrightobe

I just you know, felt like you needed to know why if you searched under 'travel' in my blogs... um... you wouldn't find any.

#newdefinitionof #stayathome :-)

Turkey GIrl

2010-11-21T16:20:00.000-08:00

Yes, that is my plight. Because you see I was born on Thanksgiving.

Not just near Thanksgiving, or around Thanksgiving, but on the actual day. So every 8 years my birthday falls on our National holiday as it does this year.

Before you go all "how delightful," hear me out.

Instead of being sung 'happy birthday' you get some weird 'gobble, gobble, gobble' variation that invariably ends in the whole family (sans you) falling into hysterical laughter.

You get birthday cakes in the shape of turkeys. I mean, what little girl doesn't want that #none #nonewantthat

You get turkey themed birthday presents. Why, look how lovely.... turkey slippers. #deargawd

And why bother having an actual birthday party when the whole family is together for Thanksgiving?

Only Christmas, and New Year's babies can really appreciate my plight.

You get 'fusion' birthday/Christmas presents that never quite add up to what you would have gotten as two separate gifts.

And you usually can't turn to your friends for support because, well, they are out of town with their families.

Instead you sit there and smile when your aunt offers you a second helping of turkey, 'as her little birthday present to you.'

#oy

So as you sit down to eat your Thanksgiving dinner, think of this turkey girl and in your head sing her a little 'gobble, gobble, gobble' song! #andknowmyagony :-)

Is It Too Much To Ask...?

2010-11-14T16:16:00.000-08:00

This is a question I find myself asking on more than one occasion while looking through dating ads.

Is it too much to ask that the guy's picture not include a private piece of anatomy? Um... I guess so.

Is it too much to ask that the guy not have a prison record (with tats to prove it)? Um... yeppers.

Is it too much to ask that the guy not still live with his ex-wife? You guessed it.

Now when I complain about the quality of single guys left in the world, there is a certain segment of people who feel I am being 'too picky' or 'too harsh.'

So okay, let's take a look at that.

My bottom line is he needs to be:
Between the ages of 40-55 (in calendar years, not how 'young' you feel - the age on your CDL)
Single (not separated, not 'about to file for divorce' #dudenotevenclose, not 'wanting something more')
Local to the Ventura area (no 'distance doesn't matter to the heart.' Maybe not but it does to my work schedule #jeez)
Gainfully employed (which does not include standing outside a home improvement center)
Non-felon (I know, I know. I just eliminated 99% of CraigsList ads)
Love dogs (not "I pet a dog once" because let's face it, I have a Chihuahua in my bra as I type this)
Does not mention sex in their ad. (yes, I like sex too I just don't feel compelled to tell you my fav position on the internet)

Ok, so for all those that feel I am just too picky, I put this challenge out to you. Find me a man that meets those 7 simple criteria and I will contact them... happily.

However, if you can't find one, you come back to this blog and leave a comment with your never-ending apology and sympathy for my plight!

Game on!

Can weather be evil?

2010-11-07T16:49:00.000-08:00

That is a question I asked myself last week with the Santa Ana winds passed through town and decided... YES it can! #duh

Because first of all there is ABSOLUTELY no reason for them. NONE.

In case you have never experienced these evil, evil winds, please let me describe them #inexcruciatingdetail

They are winds that flow in the opposite direction of the the 'good' winds. These Santa Anas blow from overland towards the beach (you can already see how wrong this scenario is).

They are dry, hot and static-y. Now I know there are those out there that have not lived through the Santa Anas and think I am being a wimp.

Just know that your hair is so dry that when you brush it, sparks fly! These winds carry every pollen granule for hundreds of miles and then drive them into your parchment-like nostrils.

Will not get any more graphic than that, just know it is hell on earth.

And we are expecting them... again.

It was soooo close to hot chocolate weather I could taste the cocoa in my mouth. But no. Instead I get to have anti-histamine dry mouth.

Like I said... EVIL

Which is More Likely...

2010-10-31T16:11:00.000-07:00

A new game my Roomie and I play... ok not so much play as live our life by.

Let's say there are weird, tiny lights moving across the water late at a night...
Which is more likely....Alien pod ships looking for our new kitten... or night fishing boats?

In our house, clearly the alien pod ships. Or at least that's where our minds go, like immediately.

And I must say my Roomie is worse than I am. She doesn't go to the 'worst case scenario' she goes to the 'Ripley's Believe it or not' scenario.

We hear a sound downstairs.
Which is more likely?
A serial killer that takes nostril hairs as trophies or a dog getting into trouble?

Do I even need to answer that question? Teresa has whatever she can grab as a weapon (her level of terror also is dependent upon how recently we watched a Criminal Minds episode) and ready to call 911.

A blinking light on the horizon?
Let's see... Which is more likely?
A foreign spy satellite or how about the planet Venus, you know... the one that's been around for millennium?

You can see how our conversations go. #tothefantastical #alwaysthefantastical

But you know what? I wouldn't have it any other way #howweroll

Ok, I've got to go. There's a car parked funny down the street which is either a drug cartel reconnaissance or you know... #someonewithaflattire

Halloween - Not Just Any Holiday

2010-10-24T16:31:00.000-07:00

Most kids love Christmas. You know, the presents and all.

Not to say I didn't love all of that too, but Halloween?

Ah, Halloween was well... Hallowed for us (click here to read my last post on Gary to know what all the fuss was about)

Why? Well, you see my childhood wasn't exactly normal. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, you are shocked.

Let's see, we have a life-sized nativity scene out front every Christmas. We built floats every year and drove around Northern California to each and every county fair, because, hey, we wanted trophies for all our work.

But all of that paled in comparison to Halloween. It would literally take a forklift to move the huge pumpkins we used for decoration.

And the costumes, oh the costumes were elaborate. Yes, one year I was Hatshepsut... um, you know, the only female Egyptian pharaoh. #duh

But the Halloween that sticks most in my mind is the year that I dressed up as Princess Leah, another neighborhood kid dressed as Luke Skywalker and Gary... well Gary dressed up as Jesus.

Now remember this was in the 70s. And we lived in rural Northern California. But no matter, Gary did not just dress as Jesus, he also insisted on blessing people and forgiving them for participating in a pagan holiday like Halloween.

As you can imagine half the people found it amusing and the other half... well, we got chased off a lot of porches.

It was oh-so-wrong, but oh-so-fun.

Then we got to a house and the woman smiled and commented on how cute our costumers were. Gary was pleased... until she said...

"Look, honey, it is Robin Hood (supposed to be Luke), Maid Marian (Leah) and Friar Tuck!"

As you can imagine, Gary went into a fifteen minute rant about the absolute accuracy of our costumes. The best part for us kids though was, the woman was so flustered that she gave us a second helping of candy.

Call me crazy but that is one of my fondest memories of my childhood. Sacrilegious and all.

Again, I know #weird

What are some of your favorite childhood memories from Halloween? Interested to see if any can top mine for sheer weirdness :-)

The World Shook

2010-10-18T16:13:00.000-07:00

On October 17th, 1989 two tectonic plates rubbed together and shattered my world.

Or at least that is how it felt.

Most people remember the Santa Cruz Earthquake (7.1) because it happened during the Bay Bridge World Series (SF Giants vs Oakland A's).

What most people don't know is for that destruction only 12 people died during the quake itself.

I knew 4 of them.

And not to say that I didn't love my uncle and two other cousins, but on that day I lost the single most important person in the world... Gary.

I won't go into depth the difficulty of my childhood. Just know the only reason I survived it was because of Gary.

Sure there was some weirdness. He was 16 years older than me. He was gay (but way, Way, WAY in the closet). And we were betrothed. #minordetails

But that doesn't mean he didn't love me unconditionally. That doesn't mean he didn't teach me about light and love. That doesn't mean I don't miss him every single day.

The only way I survived his death on that October day was to pretend it didn't happen. I insulated myself in a bubble of denial and lived like that for years... well actually over a decade.

But as all bubbles must at some point, it burst and I was left with the whole in my heart had been filled with love and laughter from Gary.

I think this is the first year where I am actually moving through it, fully aware he is gone and grieving.

I would love to say I am embracing Halloween (his favorite holiday and one that we celebrated together like an anniversary) but I am not there yet.

Grief still swirls around this season, clouding my vision with tears and catching breath in my chest.

But just writing this blog has helped loosen some of the pain. I truly wanted to find some place of humor in here, but I am just not feeling it.

I know Gary would have wanted me to share all of our stories of adventure and daring do. He would have wanted you to laugh and know he was the funniest of funny people (Dana Carvy, a good friend of his certainly thought so), but today all's I can do is miss him.

Thank you for reading and I promise to delight you next week with a classic craftycmc Halloween story (brought to you, of course, courtesy of Gary :-)

Fair Food - Ain't What It Used To Be

2010-10-11T16:09:00.000-07:00

Is it just me or has the Fair gone soft?

I can't believe I am saying this, but "back in the old days" #godIsoundold, the county fair was the bastion of the worst food for you, but the best tasting food in the world.

Fresh cotton candy. Corn on the cob dripping in butter. Some form of deep-fried... well everything. Plus ribs, piled-high baked potatoes. Corn dogs so big you couldn't fit them in your mouth. You name it. If it was decadent, it was there.

And it simply tasted better than any restaurant food. It was greasy, loaded with sugar and salt... and well... divine.

I mean, I went to the county fair to eat. To savor those childhood memories that only a triple decker bacon cheese burger with cheesy fries can invoke.

What, to my horror, did I find at this year's fair? Um... fish tacos. Wrapped in lettuce!

Dear gawd! If I wanted that kind of food I could have gone to Rubios. Sure there was corn on the cob (for $3.75 each) that was DRY.

What happened to the butter bar? You know the place where you coated your corn in butter then rolled it in different salt/seasoning mixtures?

Nope, this year they just hand you a dry cob (after asking and PAYING for extra butter)and on your way you go.

Not a single rib stand. Not a single cheesy fry station.

Yes, there was a baked potato station that literally had a light sprinkle of cheddar cheese on top. That is 'loaded?????'

Let me say that I know I should eat better. I know I should eat healthier, but if you can't eat unhealthy at a county fair, I seriously do NOT know what direction this country is going!

#Ineedatimemachine #orgotoDisneyland #thelastbastionofjunkfood

Ok, that was my rant for this week. How about you leave a comment on what is your favorite fair food that's no longer available (or is with direction of how I get there to eat it :-)

Also, my novel (under my penname @cristynwest), "Plain Jane" has nothing to do with county fairs or even food and this is actually a rather awkward segue, but I really want you to read it... well... only if you like James Patterson or Silence of the Lambs (if you don't then please do not read Plain Jane because it will freak you out :-)

Anyway click here to read up to 50 pages of Plain Jane for free and if you decide you don't mind a few sleepless nights and want to purchase the whole novel, here is a 50% off coupon: RH88E

The Fall Television Season...

2010-10-03T16:00:00.000-07:00

Or as I like to call it... Carolyn's Summer Christmas!

Turing on my Tivo is like opening up presents that beautiful winter morning.

I thrill with anticipation as the television warms up. I scroll down the list, examining the new shows, sizing them up. If I could shake them I would.

Which to watch? Do I go with an old stand-by's season premiere or do I dive right in and get a taste of a new show?

So many decisions and only 4 hours to watch them until bedtime.

Now there isn't just the choice of what to watch first, but then in what order to watch them in. Do I watch all the dramas in a row or sprinkle a few comedies in there?

And then the largest decision of all. Which to watch last. Because that last show is the one that is going to stick with me.

More than likely I am going to dream about it so I better pick right.

The other problem is if I pick wrong for the last show, I more than likely will watch another show, far past my bedtime just to wash the taste out of my mouth.

Do I realize that everything above makes me sound completely insane? Yes.
Do I care? Not really.

Because you know what? At age 45 I have learned what makes me happy. And if I can have Christmas night after night the last week of September, then so yeah me! LOL

So if you are walking by in Ventura in late summer and hear 'Ho Ho Ho!' you will know exactly what's going on!

Who else has a 'thing' with fall television? Comment below with your 'ritual!'

U.F.Os and Me

2010-09-26T16:25:00.000-07:00

By U.F.O I mean the traditional sense of the word. Unidentified Flying Object.

By no means do I think they are extraterrestrial in origin, we just don't know what in the heck they are buzzing around late at night.

I mean, back in North Hollywood anything in the sky was either a police helicopter chasing an suspect on foot or a television helicopter chasing the police helicopter.

Now we've got bi-planes, birds, search and rescue helicopters. Not just that, but now that we live at the beach we've got U.W.O. Unidentified Water Objects.

We have lights that seem to multiply out on the bay after Harbor Patrol retires for the night. We have lights that skim over the water. We have lights that disappear then reappear half a mile away.

There are so many that one would just think that my Roomie and I would simply go to bed and ignore it like the rest of the neighborhood does, but come on. That is not in our nature.

We are the people that were freaked out by that huge star that kept appearing at different places in the sky every night. Ok, so it turned out to be the planet Venus but you get my point.

Our newest mystery is a pterodactyl. Fine, we aren't sure it is pterodactyl, but that is our working theory at the moment.

You see at the fair they have fireworks every night. Shockingly the dogs have gotten used to it so on one of the last night, Roomie and I head up to the balcony to watch them for once (rather than huddled in the closet with the dogs).

The fireworks were beautiful. Then in the middle of it a HUGE shadow passes by blocking our view. Both Roomie and I SWEAR it was in the shape of a pterodactyl.

No, we don't know why a prehistoric creature would pick the loud, crowded fair to show up then fly across at the height of the fireworks, but still!

What about if it has been flying across EVERY night, but we just saw it because of the fireworks?

So of course, we are now out nightly searching for our mystery flying dinosaur.

What can we say? It's better than watching re-runs LOL

Until next week (and our next totally ridiculous finding)!

Another, slightly more grounded mystery I solved is in print! Plain Jane. Just to warn you it was written after watching WAY too much C.S.I. and Criminal Minds so beware!

To sample 50 pages for free click here.
And here is a coupon (RH88E - use at check out) to bring the price down to $1.50! For a whole book! #yes #Iamagiver :-)

My IBC Peeps

2010-09-19T16:08:00.000-07:00

I know, it is shocking. I have joined a collective. Where I actually interact with other people.

#ok #fine It is usually by email, but still #Iwantpropsforit

What is this collective you ask? Well, it is a bunch of us writers who have been insane enough to market their own books.

I am not sure if you know but at major (and even some 'indie' bookstores) the placement of books (like the front table or the 'ladders' at the end of the aisles) is paid for by the publisher.

So basically if you don't have a HUGE marketing budget your book just gets thrown onto the shelves with no fan fare. Now if you indie publish you don't even have that.

You've got... well yourself. Which as you can imagine can be scary (not so much for me but that's another whole series of blogs) and not very profitable.

Because let's face it; if I ever want to convert from pre-celebrity status to true celebrity status I gotta sell some books :-)

If you are an author you really should head over to the IBC (click here) and if you are an avid reader, you should head over as well to check out some great new authors you wouldn't find anywhere else!

In the spirit of the collective where we are learning to be brazen and bold about talking about our books, I suggest to you #ok #fine #beg to check out my Patterson-style thriller Plain Jane (with just a dash of Silence of the Lambs thrown in :-)

Click here to read 50 pages of Plain Jane for FREE! Then if you wish to purchase, here is a 50% off coupon! RH88E

And don't forget to follow @indiebookIBC :-)

Hmm... The "Burn Notice" scale of dating

2010-09-12T16:00:00.000-07:00

I think I have finally found the perfect way to tell whether or not I should go on a date after meeting on-line.

It boils down to this... Would I miss an episode of "Burn Notice," for the date?

And, yes I do have a DVR, however there are certain shows that simply MUST be watched the night they air. For my Roomie and I "Burn Notice" is one of them.

But then I realize that honestly "Burn Notice" and it's Michael Weston hotness and Bruce Campbell camp was simply too high a mark. I mean, with the exception of 2 exs, no old boyfriend would rate a date on this system (which may have been TMI, but hey, I'm a sharer ;-)

Now before you get all 'Carolyn, you are too picky,' remember there is also a dinner at stake. A FREE dinner. At the restaurant of my choosing. So actually this new technique is weighted TOWARDS the guy.

I mean, I WANT to get a free surf and turf meal over-looking the marina.

So after I got off the phone with the last internet 'date.' I thought even with a delicious shrimp and steak dinner: Would I miss "Burn Notice?" Um... no way, no how.

Okay, how about "Royal Pains?" Nope. Come on, the Evan character is sublime and I like to make fun of the medicine.

A repeat of CSI: Miami? No. I would actually rather watch Horatio and his over-dramatic sunglasses acting than go out with this guy.

I think this technique is so effective I want to share it with the men. You know, to help them up their game.

Then, I thought that idea through.

What would I say? "You seem like a nice guy and all, but I'd rather sit through the 'music video' portion of C.S.I. where they clean a gun to hard rock... that I've seen BEFORE... then go out with you." #don'tgetmestartedonceitisfallandCastleison

Um. True, but TMI :-) #see #Iamlearning :-)

Until next week!

You know something you might like to do rather than go on a lame date is read my Patterson-style thriller "Plain Jane!"

I mean it's not steak and lobster but you can read 50 pgs free here and a 50% off coupon RH88E :-)

Should I contact him or not?

2010-08-29T16:27:00.000-07:00

I am going to let my readers decide, because let's face it, I think through this blog I have proven I have AWFUL instincts when it comes to dating!

Ok, here is the back story. And by back a I mean like 15 years ago.

I was living with a guy (let's just assume it was a loser, dysfunctional relationship and move on).

I was working with another veterinarian. Wait, did I call him a veterinarian? He was the ADONIS of veterinarians.

Oh, his longer silver streaked hair. His little earring. He was the toast of the town. EVERYONE loved him. His clients, his staff, my staff, the staff at every other clinic in town.

And he was oblivious to how hot he was.

Now did I mention how sweet he was as well. He always helped at the humane society. Spaying and neutering our shelter animals for $5. Like I said a sweet-heart.

I, of course, was in love with him (because clearly I wasn't with the guy I was living with), but so was... well... the rest of the town so I didn't think any about it.

Then my relationship blew up and I left town. I went by the Adonis' practice to say good-bye. Somehow my breaking up got mentioned and he was floored.

"You can't leave."
"Um... the car is packed."

"No, I love you."
"WHAT???????????????????? I mean I love you to, but WHAT?????????????"

Turns out this whole time he had been pining for me as well. And Quote: "$5 spays? I'm a nice guy, but come on!!"

To make a very long story short, we kissed and then I left. Forever.
I know, I know. I was a retard, loser, crazy, psycho chick. I panicked and ran.

I hadn't talked to him in forever. Now about 3 years ago I looked him up and called. We had a great talk (not touching of course on any of the I love you part) and he gave me his email. I wrote and left a followup call at his house, but never heard back from him.

I let it go.

Then out of the blue I was telling this story (although not as abridged)to co-workers and they were like - look him up!!!

Which I swore I would not do.... until later ;-)

No facebook, no twitter (I mean that's a problem right there), but I do have a current photo and work number. According to his bio, he is unattached.

So? Do I let it go and chalk it up to mistakes of youth or reach out on the off chance there is something still there?

Leave a comment below!

Internet Dating - The "Mute" Button

2010-08-22T16:06:00.000-07:00

Another category of internet date guy is the 'mute.'

Now let's be clear, they aren't mute when it comes to emails. They aren't mute when they talk on the phone.

At dinner however, they don't say a word.

It is like the cat not only got their tongue but stole their voice box as well.

They also tend to fall into the 'I can't look you in the face' sub-category of men.

So yes, there I am out on a date sitting right across from a guy for nearly an hour (after about the 3rd one of these I switched to meeting for drinks rather than a whole hour of silence) without them speaking a word to me or even looking at me.

Before you think poorly of me, I dig shy. I like shy guys. A lot of my male friends are on the shy and even anti-socially shy side. I've got plenty to say and can usually fill the space easily.

I am not talking shy here. I am talking aversion therapy!

Now, of course because I am just a little bit evil, that only makes me want to mess with their minds by carrying on both sides of the conversation or asking point blank questions then giving them a minute to respond before I move onto the next, you know stuff to keep me entertained.

One might think that these men got in over their head or just didn't like me so they clammed up. Which is what I might have guessed as well, only EACH and EVERY one of them would e-mail later and say what a great time he had and ask me out again.

Dude, I am sorry but if I wanted to date a mime... Wait a minute, I DON'T want to date a mime! #duh #seriously

You know what isn't shy? You know it, Plain Jane (my Patterson-style thriller). Yes, my novel is the exact opposite of shy. It is bold (some say disturbing, but hey potato, patato). Read 50 pages free here.

And here is a 50% off code in case you decide to buy! RH88E

Internet Dating - A Blasphemy?

2010-08-15T15:56:00.000-07:00

Um, if my 10+ years of it are any indication... Yes :-)

I hate to say it because I am sure there are lots of nice, sweet, genuine guys on internet dating sites... I just haven't met any!

So when people suggest that I should join 'Match.com' I simultaneously want to cry, strangle them or order a double shot of Strawberry Malt. #becausethatishowIroll

Now once, at the height of my desperation, I mean search, I dated 40 guys in 30 days. Yes, that means two dates on some days. And yes, I was a glutton for punishment.

I never got past the 1st date on ANY of them.

Why? I am SOOOOO glad you asked :-)

With enough internet first dates under my belt, I am ready to announce they come in categories.

The first is the "look nothing like their profile picture.'

I don't get it. Are you completely deluded and think you look like you did 20 years ago or you think I am dumb enough to not notice you look ABSOLUTELY nothing like your picture?

I mean should I give these guys credit for at least using an old picture of themselves rather than a hot photo?

Um, no. At least I could have oogled a fake hot pic. But really, I am sorry, even you 15 years ago wasn't all THAT great.

The next story I swear on all that his holy (Ding Dongs and french fries) it is true. #promise

I talked to a guy on-line. He seemed nice enough. His pic was average. He had dark hair, was a little out of shape and looked late thirties/early forties and said he was 39.

I get to the date and looked around. Nope. The guy wasn't there. Guess I got stood up.

Then a guy comes from the bar and says "Carolyn?"

I turn around to find a WHITE haired guy with literally enough wrinkles to qualify him as a Sharpei. I mean, think SANTA CLAUS on a bad day. He HAD to be at least 60.

I instinctively answered 'No, sorry.'

Dear God, now that awkward moment. I DO look exactly like my picture so he knows it is me. He looks absolutely NOTHING like his picture yet I know it is him.

Thank goodness it was at a restaurant where I knew the hostess who sees this go down and she says, "Ma'ame your table is ready."

I mean, I feel bad, but what else do you do besides ask if the guy is smoking crack?

And he wasn't the first one. I had a guy who literally told me after I asked him if that was his picture on-line that it was his younger brother's. I'm like... WHAT?

Another guy admitted he had 're-touched' and 'air-brushed' his photo. Um. Why? I ask WHY???

Is it too much to ask to meet a guy who doesn't have to PhotoShop his profile pic?

Um, yes, I guess it is! :-)

Don't forget Plain Jane is out (my Patterson-style thriller). It is pretty cool you can read 50 pages for free here.
And if you dig those pages here is a coupon for 50% off! RH88E (that makes it less than a buck fifty for an entire kick book!)

I must be sending out that 'desperate' vibe...

2010-08-08T16:34:00.000-07:00

In abundance!

Alright, let me set the stage for you (um, right off the bat you should realize I have a bizarre life if the vast majority of talking about it requires stage setting! :-)

Anyway, I am out boogie boarding. (If you are new to this blog, yes I am forty-five and go out with the 13 year olds and boogie board and do ninja moves. For more on that click here).

So anyway I am out pretty deep. The surf is pretty quiet so I mainly floating around, riding some swells, getting ready for my debut as a martial arts actor. You know, just the usual.

Now there are some southern swells that can come from the side and well, knock you over then roll you around for a minute if you aren't watching closely (clearly I figured this out by NOT watching closely but that's another blog).

So I'm floating/playing when I see a HUGE southern swell coming my way. Quickly I start to get up onto my board and turn towards the wave when something under the water WHACKS my legs out from under me.

I tip over backward, bringing my board with me and get churned by the wave.

Now, whatever hit me was smooth so I know it isn't a shark, but still what the HELL???

I right myself as quickly as I can and look further down the swell and there is something really BIG and dark a few feet away.

It's seaweed. It's gotta be seaweed I tell myself.

But then the thing rolls over and eyes me.

It's a SEAL!

He looks at me with a kind of 'hey there. Whatch you doin' kind of face.

Then he turns more fully and realizes "Wait! You're a human!"

And I SWEAR to you on my mother's grave that he panics, makes a 90 degree turn and jets off back into the ocean.

Again, what the hell????????

I make my own 90 degree turn towards the shore and swim like my life depended upon it.

I mean, if I can fool an amorous seal (with my Rubenesque figure and all) into thinking I am a seal, I bet a shark could figure that as well!

Making back to shore safely, everyone is asking me if I was okay and whether or not that was a shark (we've had lots of sightings in the past month but none close to the surf).

No, I explain, it was a seal.

Oh... But what was it doing with you?

Um... Ya... I have a series of blogs that you need to read to set the stage. LOL

Thanks for reading!

During the close of summer I am going to take a little blog break, but don't fear there will still be stuff for you to read.

I have put together three blogs of my most weird, awkward, or downright strange first dates ever.

I hope you enjoy and in September I will be back with 'live' blogging!

Until then you can also read my novel (under my pen name @CristynWest) Plain Jane!
There are no seals, but lots of murder so make sure you are in the mood for a Patterson Style thriller.

You can read 50 pages for FREE here...

And if turns out to be truly thrilling and you wish to purchase the entire book, use this 50% off coupon code: RH88E at check out!

Thanks so much for stopping by and see you next week! #ish :-)

Ice Cream Truck!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-08-01T16:22:00.000-07:00

As you can imagine nothing gets my Roomie and I more motivated than those musical notes broadcast by a moving vehicle loaded with treats (well, except for Seal Pup Emergencies but those are covered under another blog :-)

I mean, we can get a 'drumstick' without having to put on our shoes? Heck, or even put on a bra? we are SO in!

And what is it about getting your sweets from a run down truck that looks vaguely like one on the evening news that makes it taste so much better?

Now a days they just sell the same stuff you can get in the grocery store.

But remember when the only place you could get a creme orange soda Popsicle was on the ice cream truck?

I remember as a kid we would hear the music, run inside, beg, borrow or steal the money then hop on our bikes and race down the street and get in line jostling for position in case they ran out of the root beer float ice cream sandwiches.

It meant summer was here.

Now, of course, I just throw the money off the balcony and the guy chucks a Drumstick up at me after we have about two minutes of language barrier issues, but hey!

That doesn't mean I don't relish the experience just as much #maybemore :-)

So if you happen to come over to my house and hear those dulcet tones, GET OUT OF THE WAY. My roomie and I will barrel you over #andnotevenfeelbadaboutit #duh

Until next week!

Alright with summer here, I know, just know you want a sizzling serial killer thriller to read on the beach (please, just not mine, you know how anti-social I am :-)

So here is the link to "Plain Jane" (described as disturbing and macabre by NYT Best Seller @JamesRollins) http://bit.ly/b60jVe and a 50% off coupon if you decide to purchase #um #duh: RH88E

If you do read "Plain Jane" (even the 50 pages for free) please let me know how mentally disturbed, I mean much you enjoyed it :-)

The moonlight hitting the water was so romantic...

2010-07-25T16:00:00.000-07:00

For me and my CHIHUAHUA!

Yes, even I was taken aback by that thought. This is what it has come down to.

Sitting on the sand, cuddling, watching the moonrise over the surf. With a dog in my bra. #andfeelingprettydarnedgoodaboutit

Yep.

But then I started thinking (always a downfall #usuallywhenthewheelscomeoffthecart)...

I mean, I am DOOMED, is not just a blog title. It is my reality. If I have any chance of marrying again, I am going to have to settle... for a felon... or worse.

And I am at a point in my life when I am just not doing to settle for some guy who smokes weed and doesn't think 3 years in Federal Prison should count as incarceration.

I mean, Chief (the said Chihuahua) has more going from him than most men. So if I am going to settle anyway, why not settle on him???

While he may not bring any income in, he is at least income neutral (ok, fine, I spend 30 cents a day to feed him), which is better than 3/4 of my ex's.

He isn't promising to get a job but just needs me to pay his car insurance #again.

He doesn't get upset that I let the dogs sleep in the bed #um #duh

He doesn't secretly smoke.

He doesn't forget to tell me he is going on vacation... without me... apparently forever.

What DOES Chief bring to the table?

He thinks I look good in anything! (and when I say anything, I mean dirty yoga pants and a ripped tee-shirt for starters)

He likes it when I eat in bed (ok, that one may be self serving since he hopes I drop something)

He loves me, more than I'm pretty sure a guy ever has.

My proof?

Some nights my back hurts and I toss and turn. I mean for hours. Even I wish I could go sleep in the other room to get away from the constant motion.

But each time I turn over, Chief gets up, comes to the other side and curls up next to me.

One night, I told him "Look, this is going to be a bad one, just go sleep in your comfy pink fluffy bed." I even lifted him up and put him them, covering him in his pink Hello Kitty blanket he loves.

But Chief climbed right of there and dug under the covers with me. I swore he was saying, "You, look! We love each and we will figure this out."

And we did. Finally I got comfortable and we feel asleep snuggling.

Um, so in reality I don't feel like I am really settling at all!!!

The only question now is... #whydidntIthinkofthisbefore!!!

Until next week!

And don't forget, my super scary serial killer book is out: Plain Jane

You can read 50 pages for free here

And just for being so awesome and reading this blog, here is a 50% off coupon! RH88E

Ninja Moves

2010-07-18T16:00:00.000-07:00

I know many of you think you know how weird I am. You've read my tweets, you follow this blog. You think you know.

I am here to tell you, you have no freaking idea the depths of my weirdness.

And I am discounting the klutzy, socially awkward stuff. I am talking about the fundamental way my brain works.

First of all, unless it is life or death situation, my brain tends to hang out at the 13 yr old level. Think I am kidding?

An example...

I started boogie boarding again. First off, I am 45 and boogie boarding. Not being all cool and surfing, but boogie boarding... um, alongside a bunch of 13 yr old, but that wasn't my point.

While out in the surf, waiting for a wave to ride, there is some down time. Most of the waves are just swells out there, so you jump up and let the swell lift you up then set you back down again.

I mean, that's fun in it's own right. But am I satisfied with just that?

Clearly #no (otherwise there wouldn't be a blog :-)

I decide to start practicing my ninja moves. You know kicks and poses. Being lifted by the water is what being in one of those wire-harnesses must feel like, right?

I mean you never know when someone is going to want me to star in their kung fu film, and I have got to be ready!

Ok, so many of you may forgive me and chalk the ninja thing up to simple exuberance in the moment.

Ya... Um... when I get tired of that I practice my Greek dancing. Yes, I am out there in the surf doing the 'Grapevine.' And when that gets old, I move onto my Old English folk dances.

And did I mention I imagine I am Super Girl flying through the air when I do catch a good wave?

Like I said... #superweird

P.S. If you ARE casting a martial arts film, I am getting pretty good. Of course you can't see my moves because they are underwater #butstill

Also if you want to experience how disturbing I can be, check out my pen name's (@cristynwest) book, Plain Jane.

Warning, there are no aquatic folk dancing in this thriller. Knives. Serial Killers. you know #grossstufflikethat :-) Click Here

And just for being so awesome and reading this blog here is a 50% off coupon (RH88E)! That makes it just a buck fifty for 368 pages of sheer terror!

Lunch

2010-07-11T16:46:00.000-07:00

I mean, do I really need to write more?

It is the pivotal meal of the day for me.

In the morning, when I am the most lazy and still not quite awake, eating healthy is simply the easiest option. (insta-hot water, oatmeal, and a banana are about all I can swing at 5:30 in the morning).

And dinner, well, Roomie is around for that meal which usually means some form of salad or 'green' selection.

Ah, but lunch. Lunch I am 'on my own.' And I am fully awake for the experience.

When at home, my laziness once again kicks in and I heat up whatever healthy food Roomie has stored for me. #againlotsofgreenontheplate #why #tellmewhy

But when I am at work? Oh, baby!

Pizza available a few doors down the strip mall. Yogurt and sandwiches 2 shops down. The Burrito Hut (which oddly has the best fries in the area) 4 shops down. Plus a Subway. #andIamnottalkinga6inchnocondimentsandwich #terriyakichickenWITHmayo

And that's without me even having to get in the car. A quick dash gets me to Del Taco, McDonalds, Wendy's, and Taco Bell.

So you can only imagine what happens at about 11AM... Ok, fine at 9:01 the second after I walk in the door.

What's for lunch? It is an entire staff decision. Between appointments we discuss our options.

What is the weather like? What did we have for lunch yesterday? What phase is the moon in?

Was a client mean to us? Did we just see a super cute kitten?

It doesn't matter how large or small the event or our feelings, they are factored into our decision.

Sometimes, no one restaurant will satisfy our complex cravings and we spread out like a highly trained army unit and hit five stores. Our sole goal?

To secure the components to the most awesome lunch EVER. Everyday. #youcanstarttoseetheproblemhere #enablers #allofthem

I can't tell you how many weight loss coaches tell you to 'find your joy.'

Um... I'm pretty sure I have. #justnothewayyouthinkIshould :-)

As a footnote my pen name @cristynwest is still at it! She thinks people want to read about serial killers, F.B.I. profilers, and such. #weird #Iknow

So if you are one of those people that like James Patterson or you just want to know what goes on in the Crafty's brain after dark check out Plain Jane.

If you follow the link below you can watch the book trailer (which even I have to admit is pretty awesome #scary #butawesome), listen to an entire chapter's audio excerpt, and read up to 50 pages of the thriller for free!

Click here: http://bit.ly/b60jVe and my pen name insists we give you a 50% off coupon code as well! RH88E (use at checkout)

My purse was stolen #bestthingthateverhappenedtome

2010-06-27T15:30:00.000-07:00

If you know me, you can probably guess how I could walk those two things together.

The initial moment when I had realized that my wallet had been stolen out of my purse at work were of course shocking and weird and painful.

Then all those freaking episodes of C.S.I. kicked into gear.

I mean, come on, I'm involved in a real life crime? #Finally

Oh my gosh, I cleaned the house #shockingIknow, but come on, I've got cops coming over! #bannerday

And sure enough the cop arrived. And oh, was I ready for his questions!

I was even answering before he could ask them.

"Now, which --"

"I had 3 credit cards, here are their numbers. Yes, I have contacted the companies. Here are the times and locations of where the suspects tried to use them."

Ok, I think he appreciated that educated, informed packet.

Um, the rest?

Next I pulled out my purse (Tinkerbell of course) to show him the slick surface. "I'm not sure they can pull prints off this material."

A blank stare which I took as him just not understanding where I was going with this.

"But I think this area of sequins could have some partials."

"Ma'ame, I don't think we're going to need a C.S. unit for this."

WHAT?????????

Don't you want elimination prints from me? Aren't we going to try and isolate sweat from the pocket where my wallet was stolen from to get DNA? Aren't we going to put all the info up on a HUGE plasma screen and hammer out a time line?

Um. NO. #notsomuch

Well, just because the police were going to treat this like, I don't know, just a wallet snatch, that didn't stop me!

So, yes, my living room became C.S.I: Ventura (let's be clear the color palette is pale ocean blues highlighted with pink)!

Luckily I had a cork board at the ready!

Who had access to the purse? Who profiled like a possible identity theft?

I even clocked out how long it took to drive from my work to the first gas station. I did Googly Analytics on the websites they tried to buy from to glean their socio-economic status.

Now, of course, I haven't caught them, but SO WHAT?

OMG, the high of the forensics. The high of the chase.

Like I really needed any more obsession with C.S.I. I mean, I had just given up watching the Miami and NY shows.

Now? Season Pass, baby, all 3.

Because I have GOT to be ready for the next minor crime wave that hits! #duh

#andprobablybuymyownfingerprintdustingkit #inpink #ofcourse

But now I think you can see why I might write a book about hunting serial killers!

#ILiveForVicarious

So if you want to see how I have integrated like a thousand episodes of C.S.I. and Criminal Minds into my writing of my novel "Plain Jane" (under my pen name @cristynwest), head on over to smashwords: http://bit.ly/b60jVe to read up to 50 pages for free.

And if it turns out you like my slightly twisted take on Patterson, here's a 50% off coupon to buy "Plain Jane": RH88E

Enjoy #fingerscrossed

So you think I couldn't embarrass myself any worse!

2010-06-20T17:00:00.000-07:00

How wrong you are!!!

Because I am here to tell you that I reached an all new high (actually a low, but we will get to that in a minute) this week.

Let me set the scene for you...

I'm going out to walk the dogs on the beach.

Hmmm... Should I put on nice, matching clothes, or a BRA even?

Nah, who am I going to meet on the walk? #yes #thatwasmyfirstmistake

So out I go, hair awry, in oddly shaped gray yoga pants (yes, more oddly shaped than normal - the butt is saggy enough it looks like I might be carrying a load, but oh so comfortable), an orange Daffy Duck tee-shirt and Hello Kitty pink jacket.

I make it past the 1st half. So far so good. I am loving how quickly I got out to the house (you know without taking the time to find matching clothes or brush my hair) and how comfy my pants are.

As I start the walk back, a guy #ok #fine #asuperhotguy has come down to the waterline to throw the ball into the surf for his Labrador.

Now I notice that the Lab isn't too friendly with other dogs.

Crap, crap, crap. My dogs aren't good with other dogs that aren't too friendly.

But, this guy is so cute. And so age appropriate. And doesn't have a wedding ring (hey, I may not brush my hair, but I do carry my binoculars. I'm not dead after all.)

I'm about to avoid him by walking far up the beach, when I realize, wait a minute. This is why I am freaking single! I avoid interaction, rather than making the most of it.

And yes, I do realize that was my second mistake.

So I time it out perfectly. How long it takes for the dog to swim out to get the ball then swim back.

I know, I just know, that I can get in there, say 'Hi,' and a bit of small talk and get out of there before the dog hits the shore.

#Yes #Mistake #3

So there I go, all oddly-yoga panted and fly away hair, but hey, I am going to talk to a guy!

Our eyes meet. He smiles and looks to my dogs. He makes some comments about how cute they are. I respond back in kind.

Now I'm a little fuzzy on the details since I have retro-grade amnesia but somehow I get to the point where I say...

"Yes, I'm a veterinarian."

Now, I swear on all that is holy, the SECOND that I said that I was an animal professional, a HUGE wave comes in, crashing over me and my dogs... and carries in the unfriendly Labrador.

In a single second I am now drenched, the dogs are fighting, and my two entangle me in their leashes and knock me to my hands and knees.

There is screaming. There is barking and snarling. And there is me, crawling away.

I honestly don't know what happened to the cute guy and his dog, because I am telling you, I just kept CRAWLING, wet and horrified until I made it around the breaker.

Needless to say, I have never seen him again. #thankgod

Also needless to say, I am never ever listening to those voices that say 'oh come, on what could it hurt to say hello" EVER again.

#or #well #untilthenexttime

#mycurse

And don't forget my novel Plain Jane is out! I am looking for a few #ok #fine #alot of reviewers so if you have a blog/review site (or just want to read the book and Tweet about it) head over to Smashwords (http://bit.ly/b60jVe) and read over 25% of the book for free. I mean come on... #itcantgetbetterthanthat

Things are getting Weird around here

2010-06-05T14:53:00.001-07:00

Ok, I guess the correct term would be weirder.

Twitter has changed my life. I would like to say in all good ways, but then I would be lying. Or at least making a vague speculation.

You see, I'm not really Carolyn anymore. I am craftycmc.

Worse? I PREFER craftycmc!

I think in 140 character thoughts. I talk about a digital world most people don't understand. I actually say things like "Hashtag, Loser."

And now that I am a "Pre-Celebrity" in my own head but also on Twitter?

It is bad. I look at people that ignore me and think, "Don't they know who my on-line handle craftycmc is???????"

Um, obviously, no Carolyn. I am not even sure how many people ON twitter really care about craftycmc.

But that is the beautiful thing about RT rates and mention logs. They make me feel good about myself.

A cute guy looked at me funny because a Chihuahua squirmed inside my bra?

#Fine I'll just tweet about it and let my stream make fun of you (because as a "Pre-Celebrity" I can't appear petty #duh).

The truly bizarre thing is my family and friends are... joining me in my delusion. They not only know who crafty is, but call me "Crafty!"

They laugh when I say "Hashtag: Loser." They want to hear all about what's going on with my stalking and AJJ. They talk about my "Pre-Celebrity" status at parties. #likeIsaid #weird

I feel pressure now to actually, oh I don't know write good blogs because they now quote them. #superweird

Now when people ask me what is so great about Twitter? I tell them it is transformational.... into a shared, mass, delusional state #ok #Idonttellthemthatlastpart

So glad you could all join me!

How about you scribble a little comment below about how Twitter has ruined #Imean changed your life!

And don't forget my novel Plain Jane is out! I have included the book trailer below AND you can head over to Smashwords (http://bit.ly/b60jVe) and read over 25% of the book for free. I mean come on... #itcantgetbetterthanthat

I write Thrillers. Weird, huh?

2010-06-02T07:18:00.000-07:00

Because let's face it, I live the least thrilling life.

Well, I mean I have adventures, they just tend to be in my own head.

Which, it turns out works out great for writing. All that stuff bouncing around, coming out at WAY inappropriate times at awkward cocktail parties is perfect for the page.

Since I am a veterinarian I get asked all the time why I don't write animal books. It seems like such a natural fit.

Um, if I wrote an animal book, I would HAVE to be nice to the characters, and let's face it with my boring life, I like to take all that Craig's List Ad frustration out on someone and a serial killer seemed to be the perfect recepticle.

Which appears to quite the shocker to some. I wrote much of my novel "Plain Jane" while sitting next to a colleague at the vet clinic.

After I finished the manuscript she begged to read the book. I warned her against it, I did, but she insisted she understood it was a thriller in the vein of "Kiss the Girls" and "Silence of the Lambs," so she took it home over the weekend.

The next Monday she handed back the manuscript with shaky hands, "You were right, I'm not sure if I can look at you the same way again... Or sit next to you... or eat lunch with you..." #shegotoverit

One of my favorite clients also insisted on reading it. He raved, "My first thought was... this is the best psychological thriller I've read since "Along Came a Spider!" Then that awkward pause, "My second was, and she's my dog's Vet?????"

So yes, I do want you all to head over to Amazon.com and buy a copy and rave about it... however, be warned, you may never look at craftycmc the same way again!

#youhavebeenwarned

#althoughthathasn'tworkedsofar!

You can either head over to Amazon.com for the print version (and, of course, leave a glowing review) at http://amzn.to/aV16Z9

Or read an entire 25% of the book before buying the ebook at www.smashbook.com: http://bit.ly/b60jVe

Thanks and I promise a #somewhat funny #ok #fine #anaverage blog next week :-)

I have reached "Pre-Celebrity" Status... Could everyone please treat me like it?

2010-05-20T10:55:00.000-07:00

Yes, that special day has come. I have reached "Pre-Celebrity" status.

And yes, of course, it is in my own mind, but where else does it really matter? LOL

I mean, how in the world am I ever going to get that coveted blue "Verified" check after all? (how nice would it look next to my pic, don't you think :-)

You might ask, what is the difference between a pre-celebrity and an actual, you know, celebrity?

Well, the one beautiful thing is that you don't need the outside world to convey it upon you. I am already there, baby! #justcuzIsaidso

What comes with this 'Pre-Celebrity' mantle you might ask? Well, for one thing, I think you should start laughing harder at my tweets and blogs. I mean, I am a pre-celebrity after all. It is my due #andIamtakingnames

I would like to say I am feeling generally superior to everyone, you know, you mere mortals, but alas that is saved for 'pre-diva' status (which I covet as well. #maybenextyear).

I also feel that I could now date someone of 'minor' celebrity status as long as he has some form of addiction or is on heavy psyche meds. Because I mean I AM trying to keep it real. #well #oraswellasIusuallydo

So, 'Pre-Celebrity' now. Blue Checked tomorrow. Real celebrity #whenhellfreezesover

And don't forget my novel Plain Jane is out! Now be forewarned, there is no pink and definitely no Ding Dongs.

My rebellious pen name @cristynwest went a wrote a book about mystery and mayhem. #weird

If you like Patterson or Silence of the Lambs, you can find Plain Jane at Smashwords (http://bit.ly/b60jVe. Watch the book trailer, listen to the audio excerpt, and even read over 50 pages of Plain Janefor free. I mean come on... #itcantgetbetterthanthat

Ok, actually it can! Here's a 50% off coupon (use at checkout): RH88E

So get over there and check it out already! I need that dang beautiful Blue Check!

Maybe I Can Stop Running Now...

2010-05-11T07:16:00.000-07:00

I've been running (and not the good, exercise, lower your cholesterol kind) for a long time.

Two decades really.

I'll spare you the gory details of what set me aflight, but I think even if I did describe it all, 20 years of running is a tad excessive.

Only when you are running from something like that, you don't want to look back, actually it feels like you can't, so how would you know when you've achieved a safe distance so you can slow down?

It makes you afraid to stop anywhere, with anyone, for very long, let alone put down roots (things that could entangle you, trap you, make it impossible to make a quick escape).

Yet the other day I was cleaning sand off my dresser (yes, one of the many 'fun' things about living at the beach) I just thought, out of the blue, "Maybe I can stop running."

I burst into tears and I could feel the negative voices inside freak-the-f-out, but I also knew it was true.

I'm not sure if it was just the right time, the beach, or Twitter, but something fundamentally inside has shifted.

And yes, I did list Twitter in there. I think because it wasn't face to face, my usual 'anti-social' wall wasn't up quite so high and a number of people have snuck into my heart.

My new job as well (save, of course, my Nemesis, but even she is deliciously fun) has been a delight. None of the usual push-pull of my previous work relationships.

What will it feel like to be still? To be connected to something greater than myself?

I'm still not certain, but it already feels a hell of a lot better than burning rubber 24/7.

#andIpromiseareturn #tomassivehashtagoveruse #nextblog

And don't forget my novel Plain Jane is out!

Now be forewarned, there is no pink and definitely no Ding Dongs.

My rebellious pen name @cristynwest went a wrote a book about mystery and mayhem. #weird

If you like Patterson or Silence of the Lambs, you can find Plain Jane at Smashwords (http://bit.ly/b60jVe).

Watch the book trailer, listen to the audio excerpt, and even read over 50 pages of Plain Janefor free. I mean come on... #itcantgetbetterthanthat

Ok, actually it can! Here's a 50% off coupon (use at checkout): RH88E

Flying Post-Lost

2010-05-07T16:50:00.000-07:00

I know flying changed radically after the terrorist attacks, but for me it has changed the most since the show Lost. #andofcourseIamaCandidate

I mean, come on, I was sitting there as the flight attendant started her safety speech.

Um, hello? I've seen Lost. I know all about that oxygen line that drops down. #duh

Keep your safety belts on. You never know when a mystical entity is going to jerk your plane from the sky. #doubleduh

And those seat cushions that conveniently float? Oh, I am all over that.

But ask me to sit in the tail section of the plane? Forget it!

I mean, I want a CHANCE at survival if the plane crashes. And we all know what happened to the bulk of the 'tailies.'

So don't even try to get me to sit back there. You can't make me.

Oh, well, I guess with the new Federal Laws, they can, but you know what I mean!

And yes, I do frequently make big life choices based on speculative fiction television series #whodoesnt.

As an example, on the flight to Phoenix last week, we had some of the worst turbulence I have ever experienced.

I mean drop from the sky a few hundred feet, seats rattling uncontrollably kind of turbulence.

But all I kept thinking was, if we go down and get stranded somewhere...

There aren't nearly enough hot guys on this plane to form an adequate love triangle.

And don't forget my novel Plain Jane is out!

Now be forewarned, there is no pink and definitely no Ding Dongs.

My rebellious pen name @cristynwest went a wrote a book about mystery and mayhem. #weird

If you like Patterson or Silence of the Lambs, you can find Plain Jane at Smashwords (http://bit.ly/b60jVe).

Watch the book trailer, listen to the audio excerpt, and even read over 50 pages of Plain Janefor free. I mean come on... #itcantgetbetterthanthat

Ok, actually it can! Here's a 50% off coupon (use at checkout): RH88E

I Love Meeting New People! #Iamtotallylying

2010-05-02T22:06:00.001-07:00

I definitely, without a doubt, do NOT love meeting new people. They are strangers and you know what Momma said about strangers.

They look at you. And want to talk to you. And then, the horror of horrors, they expect you to talk back.

And at a conference people actually walk across a room to talk with you.

I have found there really is no where to hide (trust me I tried.)

Luckily #BloggyBootCamp was different than any other convention I have ever been to. The people here didn't seem to care that I was awkward.

They kind of dug it.

I only had to wander away once, eyes averted, from a conversation that belly-flopped! And only once during dinner did I feel like I wanted to just slide from my seat under the table (not feasible here since no table cloths. Which BTW #whatsupwiththat).

I mean, how awesome is that? #Iamcountingitasatotalscore

Then the actual day of the conference...

Ok, whose bright idea was it anyway for my best friend and I to 'divide and conquer?' To split up and go to two different sessions?

Had either of us met me?

Somehow I made it through the day, smiling, nodding my head, you know that stuff I see other people doing to one another.

Then 3pm hits. And I am DONE.

I mean, I have to suppress my flight response.

I suddenly know where all the exits are. I suddenly have a map in my head of the shortest route back to my room. I began seriously weighing how weird it would look if I got up, raised my hands above my head and ran screaming from the room. #becausereally #ifyouaregoingtomakeanexit #makeitbig

And, of course, the more interesting panel is at 4pm!

So, I know this is going to be hard to believe, but I sucked it up! I stayed.

#shockingIknow

I somehow muddled through dinner and the briefest appearance at a cocktail party in the history of mankind (in my defense I tasted the guacamole and found it lacking enough...avocado, so really does anyone blame me for leaving?).

The best part was the party was inside a gated pool area and I could not for the life of me figure out the latched gate.

So I stood there. What do I do? I can't go back to the party and say what...

"I'm Anti-Social, I'm fleeing you and this party but I'm too dumb to get out?"

I mean, I am Anti-Social but even I'm not going to say that out-loud!

#havestandards #veryveryveryverylowstandardsbutstandardsnonetheless

And don't forget my novel Plain Jane is out!

Now be forewarned, there is no pink and definitely no Ding Dongs.

My rebellious pen name @cristynwest went a wrote a book about mystery and mayhem. #weird

If you like Patterson or Silence of the Lambs, you can find Plain Jane at Smashwords (http://bit.ly/b60jVe).

Watch the book trailer, listen to the audio excerpt, and even read over 50 pages of Plain Janefor free. I mean come on... #itcantgetbetterthanthat

Ok, actually it can! Here's a 50% off coupon (use at checkout): RH88E

#BlogTribe

2010-05-02T17:06:00.000-07:00

Hello there!

So you're here because you for some bizarre reason you have shown interest in joining my Blog Tribe (and yes, there will be virtual cupcakes #duh, its craftycmc).

1st off, a bit about it how this came about. The original idea came from the amazing Tiffany at #BloggyBootCamp.

Although, of course I have embellished it :-) #afailingofmine

Since I am super busy, I only want people within the tribe that are SUPER committed to not only growing their blog but their twitter account as well.

Here are a few perimeters I was thinking of...

You must solemnly swear that you are up to no -- Oh, wait, wrong pledge.

The Craftycmc Blog Tribe Pledge:
I commit to growing my Twitter account by at least 250 followers/month (preferably 500, if you don't know how to do that, I can help)

I commit to write at least one blog a week (ok, maybe you get a week off if you break your arm, or space aliens land, but it better be a good excuse!).

I commit to RTing everyone's #MentionMonday once each week (we will limit the tribe to 12 so we don't exhaust our non-blog followers and you should space out your RTs so it isn't a cluster-f :-).

I commit to follow each member's blog (even unanimously if you wish).

I commit to writing at least 1 comment on each member's blog at least once per week.

I commit to shouting out or RTing at least twice each member's blog through the rest of the week (again, I would space these out).

That's all I can think of for now, but I can guarantee you I will be the worst at follow-through, so I encourage if you notice I slipped up for you just to DM me and I will get right on it! :-)

If these terms sound completely awesome to you, then leave your vow of chastity-- again, wrong one...

Leave your commitment to the #CraftycmcBlogTribe and your blog URL so we can all get started following each other back!

Rock On!

Crap, I always hate when I think of something uber important AFTER I put in a great ending!

But, in case you don't know what #MentionMonday is, here is the link the primer :-)
http://bit.ly/aCmkSl

You Rock!

And don't forget my novel Plain Jane is out!

Now be forewarned, there is no pink and definitely no Ding Dongs.

My rebellious pen name @cristynwest went a wrote a book about mystery and mayhem. #weird

If you like Patterson or Silence of the Lambs, you can find Plain Jane at Smashwords (http://bit.ly/b60jVe).

Watch the book trailer, listen to the audio excerpt, and even read over 50 pages of Plain Janefor free. I mean come on... #itcantgetbetterthanthat

Ok, actually it can! Here's a 50% off coupon (use at checkout): RH88E

What the Hell have I gotten myself into #thistime

2010-04-24T11:30:00.000-07:00

Perhaps I have mentioned, I am ANTI-SOCIAL.

No, this isn't just a feeling I have, it is a confirmed fact.

My Momma told me never to talk to strangers and I took her very seriously!

Oh, you want an example? I will give you an example!

But first before you judge me too harshly, I must set the scene...

I drove to San Diego to meet a friend as he was wrapping up a convention. We had plans to go to our favorite restaurant.

His panel finished but before we could make our escape, a bunch of fans descended upon him.

Pretty typical except the last two that lingered.

One was the most awkward, pimply faced, geeky teen who walks up to my friend and says "You were way funnier than I thought you could ever be."

Then breaks out into a cackling laughter. Not only that but his Mom, (God love her) is 400 pounds in a yellow polka-dotted mumu, driving a motorized cart in figure 8s around us, her red flag flapping. Cackling away as well.

My friend and I just stand there frozen. I mean, what in the hell do you say to that? It was surreal.

Finally we go to leave but one last acquaintance of my friend comes up.

After some small talk (um, not with me of course, between them #duh) my friend says 'Ok, well, we should get going, we were planning on going to dinner.'

Now, of course, he thought that was a great segue out of the conversation. I, of course, knew the dreaded next words.

This acquaintance turns to me and says, "Well maybe I could tag along. Do you mind?"

"Yes, actually, I do." YES. THOSE EXACT WORDS came out of my mouth.

I am blaming the Yellow Polka-Dotted Mumu cackling cart people for freaking me out so badly. #mystory #stickingtoit

Well, about then (you know when both my friend and his acquaintance's face transformed with horror) I realize, WTF, I just said that out loud!

I scramble. "It's not you. It's me...."

Not working, not working, dear god, not working, so I said the only thing that came to mind (unfortunately the truth is what bubbled up to the surface)...

"I'm Anti-Social."

By now my friend has recovered and chimes in... (let's be clear #toolittle #toolate) "Actually she and I are working on a project together.'

"Ya, that too." I add, just to complete my humiliation.

The poor acquaintance murmured his good-byes and wanders off... dazed.

Yep, that's the effect I can have.

But why have I #atlast decided to share this with you?

Well, you see I'm heading to Phoenix for #BloggyBootCamp.

Yes, me along with about 70 other people I have never met before.

Umm.. Ya, you can see how this might not go so well.

So, if you're at Bloggy and see the linens moving by themselves that would probably be me under the table. Or if meet someone that you try to strike up a conversation with who just turns bright pink and runs off, ya chances are, that was the Crafty.

#andcountyourluckystarsIdidn'ttalktoyou

#youhavebeenwarned

It's only April and I'm already throwing in the towel on 2010!

2010-04-18T00:01:00.000-07:00

For dating I mean. The rest of my life is awesome. Dating though? #notsomuch

Before, when I had, like hope, I would wait until New Year's Eve before I gave up on that particular year.

I would actually go to parties, just hoping beyond hope I would meet 'him' there.

Ok, then I got older (and you know, more tired) and started watching the ball drop on the back East feed so that I was in bed by 9:01pm.

But I would still hold out hope for most of the year until my birthday (around Thanksgiving). Again, I would go to parties, searching the crowd, with anticipation, but as you have probably guessed, nada.

Then I backed the "Date Where I Must Give Up All Hope For the Year" until to Halloween. Surly by the end of freaking October I'd find my guy. (plus by then I was watching the New Year's Eve Festivities in London so I can climb in bed any ole time I liked)

Over the past few years, my designated 'The Day Hope Dies" got slowly moved back to the 4th of July.

I mean, come on, 1/2 the year without a date and you might as well focus your energies somewhere else for the second 1/2!

But this year, that sudden realization, "That The Door Has Inevitably Inexorability, Forever Closed On This Year" came on Easter (notice how I skipped right past Memorial Day, hopelessness has that kind of snowballing effect).

I'm not sure it was the holiday itself (perhaps the candy had some minor part in it) but rather it was eHarmony's fault.

You see I was trying to actually get a date before July 4th so I decided to give internet dating another stab (and yes, I am aware of the imagery there!).

It had been a few years since I had participated in this unusual form of torture (put up pic and bio, get either booty calls or ignored all together) so I filled out all my 'new' (read 4 years older, and not a lot wiser) info and answered the 17 Gazillion questions on eHarmony and got back this lovely message...

"There is a <0.005% you will find someone on eHarmony. We wish you luck elsewhere."

Then it DUMPED me out of the website!!!!!!

Because you see, I'm not just old (45 is the new 90 when it comes to dating), or live in a small town, but chubby too.

I have now been told OFFICIALLY from eHarmony to GIVE UP hope!!!!!! They wouldn't even take my money and let me pretend to be hopeful.

Strangely that message made me less angst-ful.

Because quite frankly I am tired of feeling crazy.

Fielding all those 'just try Match.com, get out more, just think positive, you're just imagining the lack of single guys in your age/education/income level," type comments from friends

Now? Uhhh, ya, let me show ya something!

I just shoot off that ending message from eHarmony!

See? I'm not crazy!

Even a huge internet-based dating website thinks.... I AM DOOMED!

And because this is how I am, somehow I think I've won.

#showedthem #notsurethatIhaveinfactwon #butstilltakingcreditanyway

Introducing @WritingNoDrama!!!!!!!!!!

2010-04-12T00:01:00.000-07:00

Way back when I first started this whole Twitter thing it was because I was jealous (and really, what in my life hasn't been based solely on revenge? #toomanytocount).

But a very silly techno-phobic friend of mine (I won't name names, but her Twitter handle is @TheDeeView #somuchfordiscrete) somehow started Tweeting and got over 1,000 followers!

How could I stand for that??? I am the webbie! I am the techno-phile! #damnit

So I went and scrounged up my old Twitter account and started tweeting away.

I had absolutely no idea what I was doing and absolutely no purpose.

I mean, I didn't title my blog the same as my Twitter name. Brand, What Brand?

But like lightening in a bottle, crafty grew and grew. I got my business its own account @zerotosold to help authors/screenwriters/directors get themselves and their work out there.

With those two accounts up and running beautifully I thought, ok, I've done it. I have proven I can tweet (ok, fine and I liked it #likedittoomuch #waytoomuch)

Yet somehow despite the fact craftycmc is my personal account, my writing has leaked out and since my homies are writers, I've been getting more and more DMs and @ asking about writing and the craft of it.

Even with all that influx, I just briefly answered writing questions when I could. I wanted to keep craftycmc light and fun and frankly #allaboutme #andmyissues #nogreatsurprisethere

But then what does my business partner have to do? Start his account for acting, @ActingNoDrama

Now he is having the time of life tweeting about his true love; acting.

#damnitm #squared

Now, of course, I want to Tweet about writing!

24/7. Blog about it. Talk about it. Swim in a stream of writing craft. #Iamfreakinginsanethatway

So, yet another endeavor based on jealously and unbridled passion #Iamlikeapuppydogoffaleash...

I introduce to you.....@WritingNoDrama

Be forewarned! I love writing and writers, but I'm not the 'hold-your-hand-and-pat-your-head' type of coach.

I'm the "Shut & Write!" type of coach! (don't believe me? check out my first blog, so very accurately entitled "Shut Up & Write" @http://bit.ly/dBYr6s)

Basically if you are serious about your writing (no matter your skill level - craft can be taught, desire and dedication cannot), I am serious about helping you write.

#wellthatandafewhashmarks #ok #fine #abunchofhashmarks #andsomefun #ya #yalotsoffun

#MentionMonday - Your Blog's BFF

2010-04-10T00:01:00.000-07:00

Alright, you've heard about this #MentionMonday; the largest groundswell in the history of Twitter... Okay, maybe not that big, but for bloggers, it does seem to be the best thing to drive readers to your blog since sliced bread.

We peaked at over 52 million secondary reach this last week. My personal hits to the blog were over 150. That is about 149 more than I used to get!

Yada, yada, yada, get on with how to do it!

Here's the down and dirty...
Here's an example Tweet...

#MentionMonday How is Writing Like Sex? Find out in myblog @http://bit.ly/a2bzva Pls RT :-)

The key components?

#MentionMonday right off the top. It quickly identifies your Tweet as a blog to be noticed!

A catchy blurb/title/pitch

A direct invite to read your blog (and identify it as a blog to anyone not super familiar with #MentionMonday - I know that seems impossible, but it happens occasionally)

Your blog link - make sure to SHORTEN it! use any one of the many free services to shorten your blog's link. You want as much room left over for all the RTing and even personal recommends.

Then a polite request to RT (again for those who aren't up to speed on how this works).

Fantastic! You post that and then you are done right? Hardly!

To get the Full #MentionMonday Monty? Read on...
Now comes the part that makes this blog promotion work. You need to go and RT other #MentionMonday tweets.

You can be super specific and only RT ones that seem in the same genre as yours, or RT anything, that is up to you, but #MentionMonday will only work if you RT as well.

Plus it is only polite to RT anyone who RTed you.

But how to find them?

Put into the search bar (it is about in the middle of the right hand column) MentionMonday. You will find the stream of all the blogs scrolling by. See if yours is there and who RTed it, then go into their stream and RT back :-)

However, these last #MentionMondays were so large it was nearly impossible to find an RT from even a minute ago! So...

Explore your Retweet section (this is good practice anyway to build your following). It is right above the 'Search' bar and under the Favorites (which is below the Direct Message button for those of you who are directionally challenged :-)

The first tab is "Retweet by others" These are random retweets on your stream. who cares about this one, they usually aren't bloggers!

Hop over to the 3rd tab "Your Tweets, Retweeted" There you will find who RTed any of your #MentionMonday tweets.

Now go back to the 2nd tab and see if you RTed them. If not, find their #MentionMonday and pay back the favor!

Lastly, I have found to make life easier on everyone, I will RT a batch, then be sure to post my own #MentionMonday tweet supporting my blog.

This makes it easier for anyone I just RTed to find mine to RT back. I got this trick from several people who did it on the stream and I realized how much easier it made to RT their blogs promptly :-)

Okay, more lastly than the last one...

Do this whole procedure (RT everyone else, then post your own blog promo) frequently throughout the day. We had hundreds upon hundreds of people participate last week, and expect to grow exponentially as people realize how effect a promotional tool #MentionMonday is for their blog!

Any other questions? Don't hesitate to DM @craftycmc @writingstorm or @zerotosold #wearegiversthatway

My Nemsis and I...(or is it 'me'? I bet she'd know! #andcorrectme)

2010-04-04T20:30:00.001-07:00

If you read my Tweets, you know I have a Nemesis at work.

I am old, chubby, and weird.

She is none of those things. As a matter of fact she is about as fresh-faced as you can get, thin as a rail and well, extremely normal.

I wish I could say she was inherently shallow or dumb or constantly texting on her phone (that last, unfortunately would be me + my Twitter #dearlord).

Alas, I cannot.

She's just... young, cute and one of those 'cool' girls I hid from in High School.

She doesn't even try to be cool, she just is #damnit

So why then is she my NEMESIS?

Because, for whatever cosmic reason, she catches me doing everything either morally bankrupt or stupid. #orboth EVERY TIME.

Today's example? As everyone should know, I'm on Lent. Which means I've pretty much (not completely because hey, I'm no a saint #clearly #whydidIevenbothertoqualifythat) given up high fructose corn syrup.

So what does a sales rep do? But bring in one of those HUGE jugs of Red Vines.

My Achilles heel. My Kryptonite. My One Fatal Flaw (ok, I have lots of them, but Red Vines is at least in the top 10!)

I had resisted those high fructos-y demons for so long (fine, for 3 days) when I finally said "What could one little Red Vine" hurt? #um #myprideitturnsout

So I look around, make sure my Nemesis is nowhere to be found and ever-so-carefully open the Red Vine lid.

No sound. Step 1 accomplished.

I pull out a single Vine, quickly pop the end into my mouth so I can use two hands to close the lid (no evidence I was ever there).

Unfortunately as I whipped the lid back on, I happened to knock over a bag of popcorn which hits the floor and strews popcorn everywhere.

With the Red Vine still sticking straight out of my mouth, I bend over (yes, butt high up in the air) to pick up the damning evidence when who but my Nemesis walks in!

It was as if time stopped.

Please, please, please try to picture my humiliation:
Me, bent over, presenting my lovely wide booty, forbidden Red Vine sticking out of my mouth, popcorn everywhere.

Nemesis takes in the whole picture, sadly shakes her head and walks out... with my pride.

#YetAgain

Get Your #MentionMonday Groove On!!!

2010-04-03T07:59:00.000-07:00

Alright, you've heard about this #MentionMonday; the largest groundswell in the history of Twitter... Okay, maybe not that big, but for bloggers, it does seem to be the best thing to drive readers to your blog since sliced bread.

We peaked at over 47 million secondary reach this last week. My personal hits to the blog were over 150. That is about 149 more than I used to get!

Yada, yada, yada, get on with how to do it!

Here's the down and dirty...
Here's an example Tweet...

#MentionMonday How is Writing Like Sex? Find out in myblog @http://bit.ly/a2bzva Pls RT :-)

The key components?

#MentionMonday right off the top. It quickly identifies your Tweet as a blog to be noticed!

A catchy blurb/title/pitch

A direct invite to read your blog (and identify it as a blog to anyone not super familiar with #MentionMonday - I know that seems impossible, but it happens occasionally)

Your blog link - make sure to SHORTEN it! use any one of the many free services to shorten your blog's link. You want as much room left over for all the RTing and even personal recommends.

Then a polite request to RT (again for those who aren't up to speed on how this works).

Fantastic! You post that and then you are done right? Hardly!

To get the Full #MentionMonday Monty? Read on...
Now comes the part that makes this blog promotion work. You need to go and RT other #MentionMonday tweets.

You can be super specific and only RT ones that seem in the same genre as yours, or RT anything, that is up to you, but #MentionMonday will only work if you RT as well.

Plus it is only polite to RT anyone who RTed you.

But how to find them?

Put into the search bar (it is about in the middle of the right hand column) MentionMonday. You will find the stream of all the blogs scrolling by. See if yours is there and who RTed it, then go into their stream and RT back :-)

However, these last #MentionMondays were so large it was nearly impossible to find an RT from even a minute ago! So...

Explore your Retweet section (this is good practice anyway to build your following). It is right above the 'Search' bar and under the Favorites (which is below the Direct Message button for those of you who are directionally challenged :-)

The first tab is "Retweet by others" These are random retweets on your stream. who cares about this one, they usually aren't bloggers!

Hop over to the 3rd tab "Your Tweets, Retweeted" There you will find who RTed any of your #MentionMonday tweets.

Now go back to the 2nd tab and see if you RTed them. If not, find their #MentionMonday and pay back the favor!

Lastly, I have found to make life easier on everyone, I will RT a batch, then be sure to post my own #MentionMonday tweet supporting my blog.

This makes it easier for anyone I just RTed to find mine to RT back. I got this trick from several people who did it on the stream and I realized how much easier it made to RT their blogs promptly :-)

Okay, more lastly than the last one...

Do this whole procedure (RT everyone else, then post your own blog promo) frequently throughout the day. We had hundreds upon hundreds of people participate last week, and expect to grow exponentially as people realize how effect a promotional tool #MentionMonday is for their blog!

Any other questions? Don't hesitate to DM @craftycmc @writingstorm or @zerotosold #wearegiversthatway

"Seal Pup Emergency!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

2010-03-26T14:15:00.001-07:00

Ok, I did not ever expect to hear those words. Ever.

Yesterday, I Tweeted (a lot) about my adventure with the seal pup, but got even more requests for the whole story, so here goes...

I was talking to a friend on the phone (about Twitter #ofcourse #nosurprisethere) when my Roomie bursts into my bedroom yelling "We've got a Seal Pup Emergency!!!!!!!!"

Now, I grew up along the Northern California Coast so I'm used to Harbor Seal pups playing in the surf (Moms watching from further out) and occasionally the pup can get carried onto the beach. They usually go right back out.

"No! He's stranded!" she cries.

That gets me out of bed (not much else will as you know). I look out my bedroom window to find an ELEPHANT seal pup on the beach, clearly struggling.

I repeat the call to action into the telephone, "Seal Pup Emergency. Gotta go," as I hang up on my friend.

Okay, what do we do? First I need to get dressed, second we might want to brush our teeth, third --

The crows start swooping down on our little pup.

"RUN!" I yell and God bless my Roomie she ran! I mean, BOLTED out of the room.

But now a dog is coming up the beach and making a beeline straight toward the pup. My Roomie is awesome, but she can't handle crows and dogs.

So I grab a pair of pants off the dresser (see being lazy and not putting away your clothes has a definite advantage), pulled those on, tucked my nightgown into them (please, like you've never done that before), threw on a jacket (now Chief is confused since he normally lives inside of it) and ran (yes, ran) down to the beach.

By now, Roomie is throwing sticks at the crows and seagulls (with absolutely no intention or in the case of the seagulls hitting one) while doing her best to keep her body between the dog and the seal pup.

One good yell from me sends the dog and birds packing (nice to be alpha).

Panting (remember I actually ran), I circle around the little guy (well about 200 pounds of little seal puppy-ness). Has he been attacked by a shark?

This suggestion temporarily paralyzes my Roomie, then she scrambles to the upper dune (gotta give her credit though, she kept her stick pointed at the birds).

But no blood. No wounds.

He is slowly dragging himself to higher ground.

Roomie gets on her phone and calls anyone we can think of... Harbor Patrol. Fish and Game. The non-emergency 911 line (who now know us by name after all the people having bon fires and sex on the beach).

They all promise to call the appropriate wildlife rescue, although no one seems to know quite who that is.

We take a breath. The pup seems exhausted and weak, but alive. We can reassess. Determine the next vital step in helping this creature.

Lets bring down from the house a bucket for water. Towels in case he needs to be covered. Cat food to feed him.

Roomie: "And your phone."
Me: "Why? Is yours dying?"
Roomie "No, you need yours to Tweet."

Damn, she's right (and God love her for enabling me)! We look to one another. Could Tweeting this, right now as it is happening, really be that important?

"Go." I say. Roomie is off in a flash back to the house. I yell over the wind, "Better yet, bring my laptop!"

Within minutes she is back down with all of our supplies.

Luckily before we pour water over him or cover him or feed him, I start surfing... the web (gotta love my house is close enough to beach I still get wifi).

Turns out you DON'T want to wet them, cover them or feed them. Who knew?

Well, clearly the volunteer from the wildlife rehab place. She kind of snuck up on us (turns out she's a neighbor down the beach).

Roomie cleverly steps in front of the water bucket, towels, and cat food (you know all the damning evidence that as veterinary professionals were going to do the really stupid stuff to the poor seal baby).

As I discuss the pup with the volunteer, Roomie quietly slips cat food cans into her jacket, folds the towel over her arm and ever so casually dumps the water out #closecall

Turns out our pup is just tired. Elephant seal pups are on their own very early in life and sometimes they stray away from their island and get pulled into shore. They need to warm up and rest up before they can head back to sea at dusk.

Whew! What a relief.

Now we just have to keep away the birds, dogs, and (other) stupid people trying to wet him down.

"Um, not WE, I can't stay here all day," the volunteer announces as she posts signs around the seal pup telling people to leave him alone.

But, ah, dogs and crows and seagulls don't read.

"Sorry, it's the best we can do."

Ha! Clearly she has not met my Roomie and I. This seal pup will have our full protection! Come hell or high water (literally, the tide was coming in) this seal pup is going to be safe!

So my Roomie and I take shifts staying down on the beach with him, at the ready.

The whole while the pup just snoozed under the bright sun, with the occasional hyper-cute flipping sand onto his back or wiping his eyes with his flipper - and no we didn't get video footage! How we wish we had!

Finally mid-afternoon (when the beach is the quietest) we decide we can watch him from our rooms and get SOMETHING done today.

Of course, not a minute after we make that decision and both go back into the house, where I pull off my jacket and pants (to reveal my granny nightie) does a woman and her two kids walk straight towards the pup! She blows past the signs and is clearly going to try and pet him!

Ok, we were going to wet him, but pet a wild animal, not even we were that dumb!

I yell, but she can't hear me over the wind. What to do? Even at Roomie's fastest she'll never make it down there.

So I do the only logical thing and shove the screen out of its holder (ruining it) and lean as far out the window as I can (Roomie holding onto my nightgown to keep me from falling) and yell the only thing I can think of...

"Federal law!!! You must stay back 50 feet!"
No matter that would have landed her in the surf, but I said it with enough volume and authority my crazy ass words stopped her.

"Please" I regained some level of sanity, although of course I am still in my nightgown, hanging out of a window with the screen askew, "Get back behind the signs!"

Slowly, as if retreating from an insane person, they backed away, then wandered, stunned down the beach.

Once the danger had passed, my roomie starts cracking up, "Federal law! Classic."

So for the rest of the afternoon we vigilantly watch our baby snooze away.

By now most people know about him and have their dogs leashed and the birds know a stink eye from me when they see one (plus the pup brought himself up so far that he was laying right our property line and my dog Orlin always enforces a strict 'no-fly' zone over the yard anyway, so we were covered).

Now that the adrenaline has worn off, we could contemplate the really important lessons this experience has taught us.

Roomie: "Those signs are so boring. Know what they need?"
Me: "What?"
Roomie: "Bedazzling."

So true! I mean these signs are on scrap wood, with black and white, boring warnings. Imagine him surrounded by nicely stained stakes (possibly carved) with a cute image of a seal pup sleeping with 'zzzzzz' coming from his lips and the caption "Shhhh, I'm resting up for my long swim home."

Then bedazzle that sucker? He would be the most happenin' seal pup ever.

Unspoken, we both decide we must volunteer for this marine wildlife organization. Clearly they need us for if for nothing else but are acute fashion sense.

Plus, we need some authority, damn it. If I am going to enforce Federal law at the top of my voice, I want some kind of card or badge.

Roomie and I are already practicing flipping our credentials like they do on NCIS. And with a bedazzler on our hip? Nobody, but nobody, is going to mess with us or our seal pups.

The afternoon wears into evening and as the sun got ready to set, many people began gathering around with cameras.

Me: "Word must have spread."
Roomie: "Ya, about the crazy Federal Law lady! Look how far back from the signs they're staying."

True, too true.

Then our pup is on the move, heading back down towards the surf.

We watch, should we go down to the beach? I mean, nobody's going to bother...

Nope, once our little guy is past his signs they move in for pictures (like if he isn't inside our little grid he is safe to touch).

Clearly, we need crowd control!

"Run!" but Roomie was already out the door.

Luckily by now I was dressed so I am not far behind (I know, running twice in a day! #nearlykilledme #totallyworthit).

Now most of these people don't know who we are... The OFFICIAL SEAL PUP EMERGENCY RESPONSE (and fashion coordinating) TEAM

What to do? Yelling and waving our arms around seemed a little over the top, so I start grabbing the stakes and putting them between the crowd and seal pup. Roomie does the same on the other side.

He moves a foot, we move a sign a foot, making a safe seal pup corridor to the sea.

We are both bitter though! If only we'd had our badges and Bedazzler guns! But you know what, we made due!

Finally the moment happens when he hits the water. Our little chubby, awkward, clumbsy pup became a mermaid.

With grace and skill he dives under the waves and vanishes.

The crowd melted away quickly but Roomie and I lingered. Even now I choke up thinking about watching him in his element and knowing we helped in any small way (okay, fine, a very hysterical/lunatic way) to get him back home.

While neither of us got anything 'worthwhile' done yesterday, we both felt it was one of the most productive days of our lives. :-)

And the added bonus?

Now if any of you hear "Seal Pup EMERGENCY!" You will know what to do!

#plusitwasanexcusetobuy... #blowhorn #anotherbedazzler #cutesealpupcartoons

Yes, indeedy. A fine day #indeed

I think (of Nathan Fillion), therefore…

2010-03-21T11:31:00.000-07:00

I am crazy? Delusional? Wasting my time?

Probably.

Chances are.

Yep, I can accept that.

Which is why I have moved onto ‘fantasy’ boyfriends.

Because you see after so many years of not dating, I realized, why be “realistic” anymore?

Why shoot so low as to people I could actually date (with the exception of AJJ, my local stalkee. He is worth every precious moment I spend ‘trying’ to run into him – sometimes quite literally, see previous post).

There is such an upside to non-realistic, fantasy boyfriends.

For one thing, if I’m smitten on my chiropractor, each and every time I go in for a visit, I am reminded that he only likes me for ‘my back.’

Bad for the self-esteem!

But I have a perfectly good reason why Nathan hasn’t asked me out yet. He doesn’t know I exist! So much better!

Now, before you run off thinking I’m a hussy know that just because this is a fantasy relationship doesn’t mean I’m not taking it seriously. #obviouslysuperseriously #Ijustdevotedmyblogtoit

A la Bull Derham I am faithful for the season.

As long as Castle is on, I’m Nathan’s girl.

But what about when the show goes on hiatus, you ask?

Well, is it my fault that Bones was in constant re-runs during the Olympics? What happened between David Boreanaz and I will never be spoken of again.

Again though, Nathan knew nothing of it, so no one got hurt.

See how perfect this works?

So until the thought police (or a mental health professional) catch me, I will think of Nathan Fillion… often.

#justtryandstopme

#MentionMonday: A Primer

2010-03-20T12:21:00.000-07:00

Alright, you've heard about this #MentionMonday; the largest groundswell in the history of Twitter... Okay, maybe not that big, but for bloggers, it does seem to be the best thing to drive readers to your blog since sliced bread.

We peaked at over 37 million secondary reach this last week. My personal hits to the blog were over 150. That is about 149 more than I used to get!

Yada, yada, yada, get on with how to do it!

Here's the down and dirty...
Here's an example Tweet...

#MentionMonday How is Writing Like Sex? Find out in myblog @http://bit.ly/a2bzva Pls RT :-)

The key components?
#MentionMonday right off the top. It quickly identifies your Tweet as a blog to be noticed!
A catchy blurb/title/pitch
A direct invite to read your blog (and identify it as a blog to anyone not super familiar with #MentionMonday - I know that seems impossible, but it happens occasionally)
Your blog link - make sure to SHORTEN it! use any one of the many free services to shorten your blog's link. You want as much room left over for all the RTing and even personal recommends.
Then a polite request to RT (again for those who aren't up to speed on how this works).

Fantastic! You post that and then you are done right? Hardly!

To get the Full #MentionMonday Monty? Read on...
Now comes the part that makes this blog promotion work. You need to go and RT other #MentionMonday tweets.

You can be super specific and only RT ones that seem in the same genre as yours, or RT anything, that is up to you, but #MentionMonday will only work if you RT as well.

Plus it is only polite to RT anyone who RTed you.

But how to find them?

Put into the search bar (it is about in the middle of the right hand column) MentionMonday. You will find the stream of all the blogs scrolling by. See if yours is there and who RTed it, then go into their stream and RT back :-)

However, these last #MentionMondays were so large it was nearly impossible to find an RT from even a minute ago! So...

Explore your Retweet section (this is good practice anyway to build your following). It is right above the 'Search' bar and under the Favorites (which is below the Direct Message button for those of you who are directionally challenged :-)

The first tab is "Retweet by others" These are random retweets on your stream. who cares about this one, they usually aren't bloggers!

Hop over to the 3rd tab "Your Tweets, Retweeted" There you will find who RTed any of your #MentionMonday tweets.

Now go back to the 2nd tab and see if you RTed them. If not, find their #MentionMonday and pay back the favor!

Lastly, I have found to make life easier on everyone, I will RT a batch, then be sure to post my own #MentionMonday tweet supporting my blog.

This makes it easier for anyone I just RTed to find mine to RT back. I got this trick from several people who did it on the stream and I realized how much easier it made to RT their blogs promptly :-)

Okay, more lastly than the last one...

Do this whole procedure (RT everyone else, then post your own blog promo) frequently throughout the day. We had hundreds upon hundreds of people participate last week, and expect to grow exponentially as people realize how effect a promotional tool #MentionMonday is for their blog!

Any other questions? Don't hesitate to DM @craftycmc @writingstorm or @zerotosold #wearegiversthatway

What the… (aka what the 25 yr old Carolyn would say to the 45 yr old Carolyn)

2010-03-15T16:41:00.001-07:00

I think that 25 yr old Carolyn would be in for a shock if she ever met the 45yr old Carolyn. I mean, back then we were YOUNG, married (miserable but not even realizing we were miserable yet), a veterinary ER jockey, and pretty damn full of ourselves.

She would be… We’re single? For 7 f-ing years (yeah, she cussed A LOT). We are doing regular day-time boring practice? Only 3 days a week? Have you lost your ever-f-ing mind?

She worked so hard to become so good. I can see why she’s kind of pissed. She must feel ike the 45yr old Carolyn is spitting on all her efforts.

But I think after her initial shock, (okay after secondary shock and tertiary shock and a few nights to sleep on it), that 25 yr old Carolyn would see our life is pretty awesome.

You know, except for the whole OLD, and being SINGLE thing (I don't think she will ever accept those). But the beach house, yah, I think she’d like that. The pack of dogs we have, yah, she would groove to that as well.

And the writing? Given the fact she had been forced to walk away from a PhD in Comp Lit and a job at a publishing house, I think she’d break down and cry that the 45yr old Carolyn is now writing. And writing professionally? I think it might make her heart break in two. Or mend the pieces back together.

How I wish I could go back and talk to that 25 yr old version of myself.

Or wait, if we’ve got an f’ing time machine (the 25yr old’s rubbing off on me), I’d go back to the 15 yr old Carolyn.

I’d tell her, everything’s going to be fine.

Yeah, we end up OLD and SINGLE, but happy. Really, really, really happy (all of my blog rants to the contrary).

I’d tell that 15yr old Carolyn (because I think she would actually listen to me compared to the 25yr old) to take better care of our spine and joints, we might need those sucker in 30 years.

I’d tell her to not worry about being a virgin. It's really about love. If you are well loved the sex will come when the sex comes.

I’d tell her to listen to her amazing teachers and supportive mentors and not to her ney-sayers.

I’d tell her that I love her. She can make all the mistakes she wants. We'll figure it out, don't worry so much.

Actually I think that 15 yr old and I have more in common than that poor, workaholic 25 yr old does.

She had everything f’ing going on, on the outside, and was dying on the inside.

So I'm gonna let that 25yr old Carolyn cuss all she wants, because right now, how our lives turned out, I wouldn’t change an f’ing thing!

#MentionMonday Madness - A Primer

2010-03-13T13:35:00.000-08:00

Alright, you've heard about this #MentionMonday; the largest groundswell in the history of Twitter... Okay, maybe not that big, but for bloggers, it does seem to be the best thing to drive readers to your blog since sliced bread.

Ya, ya, ya, get on with how to do it!

Here's the down and dirty...
It is simple. Here's an example Tweet...

#MentionMonday How is Writing Like Sex? Find out in myblog @http://bit.ly/a2bzva Pls RT :-)

The key components?
#MentionMonday right off the top. It quickly identifies your Tweet as a blog to be noticed!
A catchy blurb/title/pitch
A direct invite to read your blog (and identify it as a blog to anyone not super familiar with #MentionMonday - I know that seems impossible, but it happens occasionally)
Your blog link - make sure to SHORTEN it! use any one of the many free services to shorten your blog's link. You want as much room left over for all the RTing and even personal recommends.
Then a polite request to RT (again for those who aren't up to speed on how this works).

Fantastic! You post that and then you are done right? Hardly!

To get the Full #MentionMonday Monty? Read on...
Now comes the part that makes this blog promotion work. You need to go and RT other #MentionMonday tweets. You can be super specific and only RT ones that seem in the same genre as yours, or anything, that is up to you, but this will only work if you RT as well.

Plus it is only polite to to RT anyone who RTed you.
But how to find them?

Put into the search bar (it is about in the middle of the right hand column) MentionMonday. You will find the stream of all the blogs scrolling by. See if yours is there and who RTed it, then go into their stream and RT back :-)

However, this last #MentionMonday was so large it was nearly impossible to find an RT from even a minute ago! So...

Explore your Retweet section. It is right above the 'Search' bar and under the Favorites (which is below the Direct Message button for those of you who are directionally challenged :-)

The first tab is "Retweet by others" These are random retweets on your stream. who cares about this one, they usually aren't bloggers!
Hop over to the 3rd tab "Your Tweets, Retweeted" There you will find who RTed any of your #MentionMonday tweets.
Now go back to the 2nd tab and see if you RTed them. If not, find their #MentionMonday and pay back the favor!

Lastly, I have found to make life easier on everyone, I will RT a batch, then be sure to post my own #MentionMonday tweet supporting my blog. This makes it easier for anyone I just RTed to find mine to RT back. I got this trick from several people who did it on the stream and how much easier it made to RT them promptly :-)

Okay, more lastly than the last one... Do this frequently throughout the day (RT, then re-post your own Blog shout out). We had hundreds upon hundreds of people participate last week, and expect to grow exponentially as people realize how effect a promotional tool #MentionMonday is for their blog!

Any other questions? Don't hesitate to DM @craftycmc @writingstorm or @zerotosold #wearegiversthatway

The Best of the Crafty Blog

2010-03-10T12:58:00.000-08:00

Here’s my best (other people thought so, so it MUST be true)tweets! So if this ain’t good enough, nothing ever will be #solaughdamnitlaugh

My 2lb Chi is hiding inside jacket. He whines, I pet him. Cute guy passes by, seeing me stroking what appears to be a lumpy boob. #thatishot

Oh, how I wish this were made up. I do this like, twenty times a week. I’ve just gotten used to the double takes, the awkward glances, the downright blatant stares. There is usually cooing and air kisses involved as well. #therereallyisnotdoubtwhyIamsingleanymore

Another word that should not be used in bios? Rainbow, or soar, or soar over rainbows, Unless of course you are a unicorn, then I’m down.

Ok, this one somehow inspired poems. Ummm, I’m making fun of those words people. I was not asking for an ode. Wait, maybe they were making fun of me making fun. Crap, I hate it when people may be wittier than I am! #someDMapologiesmaybeinorder

I want to codify Twitter. Misdemeanors = typing in ALL CAPS, ALL THE TIME Felony = Flash Following (follow, DMmarket, unfollow) #Iamserious

Who thinks their words are so important they have to be in CAPS. Obama doesn’t Tweet in all CAPS. Madonna doesn’t even Tweet in all CAPS, yet you feel the need?
And then the Flash Follows? Come on people, are we really that stupid? When I go to DM you, you are gone. It is like advertising on television then having your phone disconnected #nottoobright. And yet, they keep doing it. Foul, foul people to get my hopes up, only to crush them! #Iwillflashunfollowthem #seehowtheylikeit

I know this is Twitter but can we please know when to use ‘‘well’ instead of “good”? #thatwentovergood

This was kind of adorable. I got like three people (all guys, so love ‘em) who gave me the correct grammatical usage. #Sosweet #Sodidntgetit

Blow to self esteem? Somebody you follow only has 4 followers, yet is following 1999 people and you aren’t 1 of them! #WTH

Dear Lordie me, this happens so frequently. I mean, at some point I have to take it personally that they like a sex/mortgage reducing/penis enlarging bot more than me. #thenhavetotweetaboutit

Need to stop following New Agers. You Buddhas may have @ed me, but do you know what would really make my aura glow? A freakin’ followback!

This one did not get a lot of play. I am blaming it on the Oscars, #WriterWednesay, or the Chilean earthquake, because clearly this is one of the funniest things I have ever written! #ornot

The one benefit of menopause? When getting your wallet out, you don’t have to worry about flinging a tampon into the clerk’s face.

Actually the incident in question I flung the alleged tampon in the guy's eye. Recently I was at a store and flung a WeightWatchers 1 Point Carmel Candy wrapper into a clerk's face. Was it embarrassing? Hell, ya. As embarrassing as a tampon incident? #notevenclose

Ah Twitter, thank you for helping me get over Craigslist... Kinda like trading out methadone for heroin #awesome

I thought this one was going to bring the house down. Let’s just say it didn’t. Guess I should have gone with the hashtag, #soproud #yathatwouldhavedoneit

Onward to someone else besides myself I find funny or informative (well, I guess technically I’m not informative unless you count telling you all the ways I rock).

@zerotosold Save outrageous moments of good fortune for your villains. Heroes should never have it that easy.

What more needs to be said? Some of the best advice for writers I’ve seen lately! #mustcomeupwithabetteroneorstewinbitterness

@BeautyofWisdom Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been. ~Mark Twain,

That’s right! Take that Nemesis. I’m all wrinkly because I am happier than you are! #notevenIcansellthat

@LMDershem Here, here! From hence forth all DVDs must have Scooby Doo 'alt' ending! :-)

I hate it when someone’s reply is far funnier than my original tweet! Damn you, LM, damn you! :-) Now the question is which one of us gets to hold the Trademark for the Scooby Doo ‘alt’ ending, because I’m sure it’s going to sweep the nation!

@4030lisa Couldnt even stop mahself...Said "no" very sternly...and poof! felt my 'mother eyes' switch on & start boring right into her...

Okay, this came out of an entire string of Tweets about a younger woman almost fainting next to Lisa on the treadmill and then trying to get back up on it! Luckily, Lisa pulled out her ‘mother eyes’ and knocked some sense into the poor girl! #wearegiverslikethat

@MBartloff Driving the blue Carrera is stressful, I'm always checking my mirrors, speed etc. It's like being on a permanent run from the police.

I know, I always felt the same way in my Geo Metro! #sistas LOL

@susanorlean In the category of really weird things children say, my son just announced, "Men would never put suction cups in fruit bowls!"

That tweet made me LOL AGAIN when I pasted it in here. Awesomeness. It does beg the question however, who did put suction cups in fruit bowls (I want to eat there!)

And lastly, @TheDeeView was on FIRE Oscar’s night. I’ve only included a few, but you can check out her “Best of…” blog for the whole story!!!

#Katherine About damned time. #Queenoftheworld

I am such a gay guy, cuz I LOVE #Barbra #Oscars #Holdmedown

Thank God I just peed, cuz I'll be very excited if #Meryl wins. I love her. I just do. #Oscars #ilovehelenmirrentoo

#Sandra Get that girl her burger. Stat. #Oscars

My husband is in the other room, completely messing up the TIVO. I can hear the boing, boing, boing as he just keeps pressing the buttons.

That last Tweet of hers has nothing to do with the Oscars (except for the fact the show chased poor @Taxes007 out of the room), I just found it hysterical #callmeaTivoaddict

Okay, so this next exchange started with poor, poor @Writingstorm innocently giving me a shout out on #FF…

And not forgetting #ww @reginaldstjohn @mbdfilms @craftycmc @lloydwybrow

His fatal error, however was to #FF this shortly thereafter…
Jedi's of writing #ww @LMEighmy @myotherhand @patty_herrera @MsBookish @FictionVxn @KrisESans @calistataylor @FuglyCharlie @nataliecparker

Did you notice how I was NOT mentioned. I mean, how could I tolerate this? I get a ‘oh, yeah, almost forgot about them’ mention when there is a Jedi level? Has Writingstorm read my Tweets?

So after a little prompting, the poor guy comes back with…
Like Jedi's who have merged with Ninjas #ff : @zerotosold @edmatrasul @craftycmc @nataliecparker @trishaleighKC @jamorel @chicklitgurrl

One would have thought it was over and done with, but now my curiosity was piqued…

@writingstorm Ok at this point I need a hierarchy so I know if I'm going up or down on your list!

@craftycmc Oh this is waaaaay up on the list :)

Again, you would have thought that very sweet acknowledgment would have put the subject to rest, but now I was on a mission…

@writingstorm
@craftycmc I haven't quite decided yet, I think there may be one more level above Ninja/Jedi. We just need a name for that level of awesome

Ah, a challenge! We know how I love a challenge (unless of course it requires actual work rather than screwing around on Twitter).

@writingstorm I feared we couldn't beat Jedi/Ninja Hybrid. How about Klingon/Samuri? Peacekeeper/Gunslinger? Any of those work?

@craftycmc Ooh I like the Klingon one. A samurai with a bat'leth...

So it is settled. The highest level a #FF writer may aspire to is a Klingon merged with a Samuri! And now the epilogue…

@craftycmc Many have reached for that level. You are the first Who I think will attain it. Good luck on your quest :-)

@writingstorm Ah, to have a quest worthy of my talents! Now to be excessively arrogant but quick with a sword. At least I'm1/2 way there!

@craftycmc Well your sword skills are legendary.

@writingstorm You, sir, are a true gentleman! I can't wait to become Klingon-Samurai certified! :-)

And now @Writingstorm has gone on to be the lead General in our #MentionMonday army. I like to think me annoying him all day helped motivate him! :-0

And now a shout out to some of my new Followers:
@SoCalVillaGuy @ JamesRossBooks @ mikedoe
WTH is up with all the guys? Clearly they did not thoroughly vet my stream first! So please everyone follow them so they are trapped within our web before these men realize what they’ve gotten themselves into!

@glorypromo @KiraJW @DenisePellow @callytaylor
And follow these chicks just because they are cool! :-)

Lastly, here are some Blogs I picked up on during #MentionMonday – which rocked out loud BTW!

@inasordidworld #MentionMonday I really hate stupid crap like inspirational messages on tampon wrappers. http://bit.ly/cUI3OF

How I wish I had written those words! I aspire to be as doubled-over funny as she (I can only assume a female, although maybe even funnier if a guy did)!

@nataliecparker #MentionMonday Writing Against Zombies! ! http://nataliesee.livejournal.com/ (undead welcome, but be warned)

A girl after my own heart (or is it brains?) Great stuff for the Undead Inclined

#MentionMonday @writingstorm, News on my new project at The Writers Stall: http://twurl.nl/kdq2j8 (Please RT) :-)

My (whether he wants to be or not) Klingon/Samurai/#MentionMonday General is starting off his new Sci-Fi short story series: Dead Beat. Check it out! :-)

#MentionMonday "Sailor's Delight" @JerryLStudio a peek behind the canvas http://short.to/1a6pz

I’m not usually into modern art, but there’s something about his color fields that draw me in, plus the way he talks about his process (which is shockingly similar to writing #whoknew) fascinates me. If you want to go outside your comfort zone, give him a try #hewillpaymelaterfortheplug :-)

Alright, as Porky Pig so eloquently stated…. Th-Th-That’s all Folks!

Thanks for stopping by and perusing what my ever so modest ego thought was some my best stuff!

Be looking for another installment next week, with a few new features like best #vss and I’m going to be participating in #AdoptionTuesday to find needy pets homes!

Until then, watch, then rewatch the new TRON trailer until you have it burned into your retinas!
http://link.brightcove.com/services/player/bcpid1813626064?bclid=0&bctid=71008652001

“That’s a Nice Rack!”

2010-03-07T16:55:00.000-08:00

Does it matter that when I was pointing at my roommate's chest, she was holding up an antique spice rack for consideration?

Apparently not, according to the looks on the other shopper’s faces.

I have 'Inappropriate Inuendo-itis' and it appears to be contagious.

Ya, pretty much my roomie and I need to stop speaking in public.

When did everything we say suddenly sound so very wrong?

You want examples? I’ll give you examples.

Roomie “How deep can we penetrate?” She was talking about a garden stake into our sandy back yard but try telling that to the Mom who moved her kids out of the patio section.

“Where’d they put our blue balls?” Do not say this aloud at Wal-Mart, unless you want two hundred eyes upon you! Perhaps next time we will go with “Where do you think the colored, solar-powered light globes have been moved?”

Roomie “I want to just drill it!” Add in the hand movement to really sell it and you’ve got quite a crowd. She, of course, was talking about a set of doors that needed to be secured.

“Be gentle. You have to give time for the hole to get bigger before you shove it in there.” In my defense, I was talking about creating a guide hole into delicate tile, but you can imagine the look the handyman gave me.

As you can see, we cause quite the stir whenever out and about with people within ear shot.

So I guess the only thing we can do is pucker up and sit on it! #istherea12step

How Writing is like Sex…

2010-02-28T18:36:00.000-08:00

Oh, it’s not really, but I had to write something to get you to read this blog, right?

Because, come on, if writing were like sex we would be doing it, or at least WANTING (no whining, complaining, cleaning the toilet instead) to do it everyday, all the time.

In bed, your roommate’s closet (crap, hope she isn’t reading this), and even the beach (don’t get me started). Morning, noon, and night.

We wouldn’t wring out hands in doubt or waver in our dedication, would we?

Maybe we should think of our pens as… Hold on, I’m a little worried where that metaphor might go.

How about we think of writing as a hunger? We crave to write. Getting our stories out onto paper would be orga—Again, have to be careful with the metaphors.

If we treated writing as natural as our sex drive we wouldn’t need an entire industry (Writer’s Digest.com ,etc) devoted to encouraging us to ‘do it, ‘ now would we? (Sex bots aside)

Inspiration comes in waves. Desire to write rises and falls naturally.

I have a feeling if we just stopped fighting our creative urges, we’d all have a shot at the #1 NYT Best-seller’s list.

So my challenge to you all?

Write a #vss (very short story, so it must be under 140 characters INCLUDING the 4 you need for #vss –plus the space afterward , so 136 characters) in the comment box.

The best one I’ll RT, include in my “Best of” blog, and promote the heck out of it all week!

Think of it as a ‘quickie!’ to get you started ☺

Tweet a Blog, Blog some Tweets. Life has come full circle!

2010-02-23T08:30:00.000-08:00

This last week I asked the existential question...

"Can I just copy and paste all my tweets into a word document and call that my pages for the day? Seriously, can I?"

To my shock the answer from lots of Tweeps, was yes!

So here they are the best Tweets of the week (plus a few Golden Oldies and odd notes and ramblings about them now that I have more than 140 characters! Consider this the Director's Cut of Tweets)...

Most of these were RTed or @ed, the rest I thought should have been, damn it!

Also a few tweets that came across the stream that I couldn't help but RT!

Enjoy!

The dogs hump each other. The cat makes sweet love to the fuzzy blanket. Why are my animals getting more action than I am? #dontanswerthat
#Seriously, don't.

Craigslist Personal M4W Ad: “Hey, all you ladies within walking distance to my apartment.” Wow. Just wow.
I have to give an official thank you to Craig's list. So much fodder in such a convenient little package!

Finally V-Day candy off the shelves! What? Now Easter candy everywhere? #doesntJesuswantmetoloseweight
This one got some serious play. Lots of people asked what was going to happen after Easter? Duh, clearly they'll start stocking Halloween candy!

Do you ever wonder what happened to accounts that were clearly Spamming and suddenly stopped? Did their bot die? A moment of silence?
I thought that one was hysterical, but didn't expect it to do much in the stream, yet got lots of play. Loving the fact people share my bizarre sense of humor!

Firefox "couldn't find" Twitter #heartjustskippedabeatCome on, come on, come on, restart, damn it, I've got the funniest tweet ever with no where to type it!

To LOL or not to LOL, that is the "?" Ever wonder after writing a kick-a** tweet, should I LOL or is that too presumptuous? LOL me either!
I loved this one, but not a peep on the stream Clearly no one else sits there for five minutes as types in LOL, then deletes, then thinks, no, maybe they won't get the humor, types it back in, deletes it... Damn it, I'm doing it again, right now.

Try to tear paper towel, assuming its a narrow eco-friendly ones – wasn’t so knocked roll off holder. Look up, of course cute guy watching!
Fine, this one never should have been a tweet, the set up and pay off were just too long, but I couldn't help but share the moment.
What actually happened was this really, really cute guy was walking up to the lunch break area. I was about to tear off a paper towel. And for some reason, I felt the movement needed a flourish, so, thinking it was one of those really narrow eco-friendly one, I tore really hard. It wasn't so the damn sheet tore jagged, and pulled the roll off the holder and fell into the wet sink. Can you say awkward. Even though the guy clearly had a coffee mug and needed creamer, he just walked on by. Yah, just call me a spaz-o-matic

A watched microwave never beeps. Yes, I'm cracking myself up again. Get used to it :-)

Nemesis caught me licking the tray of my weight watcher's lasagna.... Again. #shemustdie or #needtohidebetter
Wow, did this one resonate up and down the stream. Loving my fellow bitter dieters!

Sat down to actually eat lunch at kitchen table. Then realized, crap, now I probably should use utensils too! #toomuchwork
For some reason LOST 7 followers over this one. Did they not read my 'popped in a cough drop because I'm too lazy to brush my teeth" tweet? Guess it is better they go now before I start talking about feminine hygiene products again!

I'm sure those 7 didn't read this Golden Oldie:
The one benefit of menopause? When getting your wallet out, you don’t have to worry about flinging a tampon into the clerk’s face.

Some fun interactions...
@InkyTwig Yum! Who knew that French Fries dipped in Hershey's Chocolate Syrup could taste so good! --->Um, anyone on weightwatchers? LOL

@lostplum the construction workers across the street need to cut it out like a tumor! *dang why you gotta be funny after I post a good one?*

@b1gd840 Warning! R-rated! @dahara: Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can combat asthma and hay fever<--starve a cold and f*ck a fever? Okay, this one cost me 15 followers! Happy now @b1gd840 and @dahara? LOL Actually it was totally worth it. Although clearly I have a PG (not even PG-13) audience!

And my fav stand alone Tweets:
@amyzesbaugh Bought a bra that promises to cover me in “concealing petals.” I chose it over the brand that offers a “thorn in your side.”

@ScottAukerman Just found out I am too fat to watch a Kevin Smith movie

@greeneyyyzz Ok, time to slap on my assless chaps and head to Walmart. I. Must. Blend. With. The. Locals.

And to close with one of my fav Tweeps...
@thezeroboss For Lent, I'm giving up giving things up.

Thanks to each one of you for being funnier than I am, because even though it clearly notes that it is the tweet is not mine and is a RT, people still think I came up with that little comic gem. And you know what? I don't correct them! LOL

Anyway, I'd love some feedback on this new Blog tradition. Any tweets you thought should have been included? Do you like the Director's Cut version or wish you could turn off the behind-the-scenes feature?

Have a great day (or mediocre, because those seem to generate the best Tweets) and see you on the stream! :-)

Good News on the Stalker Front!

2010-02-22T09:21:00.000-08:00

I almost hit him!

I know, right? How lucky could I be, besides, you know, hitting him and us actually meeting?

Slow down, stop dialing 911, I wasn’t TRYING to hit him.

Okay, maybe subconsciously since this is the 2nd time (the first time he was jogging) I’ve almost done it, but each time it’s HIM that veers into MY path.

I am, of course, taking this as a sign we are destined to be.

For all of you not up to speed, let me explain….
The very first day I ever visited the house I was going to move into, a guy was running on the beach - did I say guy? I meant god. 50’s salt and pepper, fit and running like a 30 year old - and he tripped right in front of me!

He then regained his balance and ran off, but it was love at first awkward/embarrassed glance for me!

Like all good stalkers (my roomie is very enabling) we have given him a name.

Allen Jacob Johnson (because if we are going to do this, we do it right!)

AJJ for short.

Since then my roomie and I are on look out (like I said, enabling).

So at any given time of the day you may hear “AJJ! AJJ! and everyone (including friends and the cable guy) will run to the windows to see if it’s him.

And yes, we drive by his house.

And yes, that picture is of the back of him running down the beach (squint, you can see him – like I said, he runs fast! By the time you get your camera out, he’s gone!)

And yes, I use that picture as a screensaver.

And yes we are considering night-vision goggles and telephoto lens.

And yes, I do realize my greatest hope for romantic happiness has come down to a cosmically-inspired automobile accident.

You know what? As long as my car insurance is up to date, I’m okay with that!

Anyway, gotta go, I’ve got binocular to clean.

Yes, I’m pretty sure Jesus wants me to eat this burger!

2010-02-16T07:04:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I didn’t say it out loud, but oh how I wanted to!

Rewind to 5 minutes before.

Skinny Co-worker: “Wow, that a big Double Double.”

Me: “Yeah, it’s Fat Tuesday tomorrow.” Awkward pause. Co-worker: “Um, but that’s tomorrow, why are you eating it today?”

After having a million comebacks rise and fall on my lips, including a classic: Jesus wants me to eat this burger! Luckily, I realize that Fat Tuesday isn’t even a religious holiday so that’s going to sound stupid (like the statement alone wasn’t dumb enough), I huff at her and stomp off.

After stewing at my desk for a half an hour, I realized she might, just might have a point. I do treat everyday as Fat Tuesday.
She indulges one day out of the year. I do so nearly every day.

Well, except during Lent. During Lent I embrace the Weight Watcher lifestyle (bitter and clutching to my one point candies). By the end of the six weeks I have brainwashed myself into believing that I can, this time lose the weight.

This usually lasts until about July. When I convince myself I am ‘cured’ of my food addiction and can stop tracking.

Then around August I stop weighing myself.

Then around Christmas I decide to hell with it, I might as well start Fat Tuesday now.

After February 1st? Double fisted fast food is the norm.

I mean another Valentine’s Day alone? Who wouldn’t eat a bacon cheeseburger and sundae for breakfast?

But I think something sunk in after that comment.

What if I did only indulge on Fat Tuesday?

Luckily it’s Fat Tuesday today! LOL

And Jesus has some Au Gratin potatoes he wants me to polish off!

When did Objectphilia become a disorder? Ummm, like the day after the iPhone came out!

2010-02-13T17:59:00.000-08:00

First off. I love my iPhone.

No, I know you THINK you love your iPhone, but did you make your own commercial (or 5, see the evidence in the award-winning video above) about them? Did you name him (Thor)? Did you have a torrid voicemail message extolling your new love? Did you make the tech bring your old, dead, iPhone back to you to say goodbye to him and reassure him you had everything that made Thor, Thor, back home in your computer?

No, I didn’t think so.

But I did, and so much more. Like I tried on a nice, tight, fuzzy sweater and my first thought about the lovely curve of my breasts was, “Wow, this’ll be perfect to clean Thor’s screen!”

Okay, maybe I shouldn’t be writing this stuff down since I’m pretty sure it could be used against me in the inevitable court hearing.

And we haven’t even talked about Tivo yet. Not only did he ask me about my likes and dislikes, he REMEMBERS them! He suggests other things I might like. He is dependable and caring, I know, just know, he purrs when I press on those ever so convenient buttons. Of course there is a slight language barrier since he only beeps at me when

I do something right and bonks at me when I’ve done something he finds stupid, but hey, every couple has their issues, right?

Now the iPad. Dear gawd, are you trying to get me committed? A bigger, wider, stronger iPhone (nothing to slight Thor, he will always be in my pocket no matter what else comes along)? A tablet I can write on? 3G access on a laptop?

Yes, my world is about to be rocked. And I’m going to enjoy it until the day I’m put on Lithium!

Do Single Guys Not Have Pets Anymore?

2010-02-09T08:50:00.000-08:00

I mean, back in the old days (so long ago I was actually still married, you know back when MTV played, I don't know, Music Videos?) 1/2 the dog clients at the vet clinic were single guys.

In my dim, hazy, memory I remember actually being flirted with at work (of course I was in my 20s and early 30s so that may have had something to do with it as well).

Now? Not a single guy to be found. Not a one. And this isn't my imagination. I took a count (because I knew you were going to question my math!).

I saw over 300 clients last month, not ONE single guy.

I mean, can't the universe throw me a bone here? (hehe, didn't see that pun coming).

Is it too much to ask to have a guy over 40 have a dog (and okay as long as I'm wishing here, I'd also love him to be able to cook and give good, real, not leading to anywhere massages, but that's a whole other blog!) and pick my clinic to come into, then find me ravenous attractive and ask me out?

Sigh. Guess it's back to the personal ads

Maybe I could put on some spray on tan and try to convince that one guy I'm part Dakota Indian. :-)

As much as I blog about our neighbors, I'm sure they are Tweeting about us more!

2010-02-07T14:33:00.001-08:00

For some unknown, random reason, my roommate and I have been designated the ghetto-dogs of our neighborhood.

Maybe it is because we have the smallest house on the beach. We drive the least expensive cars on the lane. We have like a gazillion animals.

Plus, let's face it my roommate and I like to consider any outing an adventure which can run afoul of our more buttoned-down neighbors.

And okay, we kind of blocked the entire lane with our four moving trucks (filled with ghetto knick-knacks). And yes, I did hit our neighbor's car the other week. And occasionally (alright already, everyday) we use binoculars to check out everyone's activities on the beach, And fine, the dogs bark at two air molecules colliding together, but that's what gives us character, right?

Uh, yah, their looks say 'not so much' when we drive by.

To make matters worse, as you know, I'm crafty and we really don't have a backyard so all my sanding/painting/metal-work is out front. Right where everyone walks to get to the beach. I'm sure they are hating the word 'power tool' right about now.

Oh, and we curb-alert our hearts out and bring (free, I mean you can't pass up free) damaged furniture home on a daily basis. Many times so big we have to wait for one of them to walk by and ask for help carrying the beat-up ratty piece to the 'repair' area.

Yeah, now on second thought, I can see why they hate us! LOL

People are having sex under my window, and that's not even the funny part!

2010-02-05T13:33:00.000-08:00

Yah, we live at the beach now. Right on the sand. Great, right?

Yes, about 95% of the time, the other 5%?

Well... Last night about 10pm, we notice someone sitting on the chairs on the beach RIGHT outside our bedroom windows. Okay, no biggie. A little weird, but we're cool with weird.

Um, then we realize it isn't one person, but two and I don't think they're dancing out there. #definitelynotdancing

What do my roommate and I do? Drop to the ground (well, because of the whole flashing thing. The first thing we ask? Did they see US?)

See us? I don't think they are seeing anything but endorphins right now.

So for an half hour we try turning on all the lights. Opening and SLAMMING closed the windows. Getting the dogs to bark. Nothing stops them.

Now we could call the police, but, duh, they're going to know who called it in and we really don't want to get a 'tattle-tale' rep in the neighborhood (of course we are total tattle-tales, but hey, the rest of the lane doesn't need to know that).

What do we do? Go to bed with fornication ten feet away?

Worse, binoculars are useless in the dark.

Bad combination = exhibitionist and tentative voyeurs! LOL

Finally, finally they stop and leave the beach.

Well, at least we learned three new, vital, items necessary for beach living.

Night-vision goggles, a spot light, and a blowhorn!

Ha! Try and have sex on our beach again!

#noseriously #trysowecanuseournewtoystochaseyouoff :-)

An all new low in working from home etiquette…

2010-02-01T15:04:00.000-08:00

Everyone knows that coifing is the first to go. If you aren’t going into the office who needs lipstick and a hairdo? Then you might as well brush your teeth after lunch and deodorant gets spotty.

Clothing becomes, let us say, more and more casual. As in PJs or some old sweat pants, or torn nightgown… whatever!

All of these stages I passed through without flinching. I mean, who cares? (except of course for the poor people who have witnessed my curtain-less bedroom changing habits).

But this morning I did something that even bothered me…

With my laptop on my nightstand, I went to get back into bed (after using the facilities and not doing any grooming).

I lifted the covers then went “Wait a minute! I’m working now!”

Because, apparently, getting under the covers is ‘relaxing’ yet some how sitting on top of the covers, in your bed, with your laptop ona pillow is ‘working.’

And for just a brief moment it made sense. Yes, let’s keep things grounded and real and … wait a minute! the only difference between slacking off and working is a comforter!

Like I said low point.

So I went and brushed my teeth and put on some clothes (okay, maybe not clothes but I could run out of the house during a fire and not scare the neighbors).

There have to be some office standards, even if that office’s walls are a flimsy sheet :-) ☺

Ad: White, Never Been to Jail, Employed, Some ink

2010-01-31T06:50:00.001-08:00

That was it. I mean, that was the entire ad.

Oh, no, sorry. The title was... 47 yr Old - Looking to marry.

Clearly that is enough info to base a life-long commitment.

Is this what it has come down to? Or put another way, is the bar this incredibly low?

All's we need is ethnicity, your wrap sheet, employment status and for an added bonus the state of your body art?

Wow!

As I was shocked at how anyone in their right mind could post such an ad and expect anyone to...

You guessed it another ad popped up RE: White, never been to jail...

Yep, some chick also noted he left something out of his ad. His Phone #!!!!!

Dear God, within minutes five women wrote back asking for his number. Really out of all the things in this world you might want to know and you want his number...to call him????

His hopes and dreams, what job he has, hell I'd even take his height for god's sake!

I bet by this morning his in-box is full up.

So maybe this is why all those 50 somethings think its okay to state their favorite sexual position in the first paragraph. They actually get responses!

Sigh.

And okay, I do have to admit the employed part was mildly attractive :-)

Old Habits, I Mean OLD Habits, Die Hard

2010-01-30T08:05:00.000-08:00

Like most of you, I've spent my entire life changing clothes in my bedroom. (I've gotten over the dogs staring.)

Well, now I live oceanfront with no curtains on a large bay window facing the beach. Curtain-less not by choice, but it seems to be the unspoken rule or etiquette here.

So one would think with dozens and dozens of people walking right past your window (and within 10 feet at this point since the surf is so high) you would remember to like... keep your clothes on. At least your bra.

But no. Old habits kick in. The shirt is flung. The pants strewn. And there you are smiling awkwardly at a neighbor walking his dog.

Not to say I haven't gotten better. There is a fleeting moment as my arms raise the shirt over my head, when I think, did I check the beach, but at that point it is a done deal.

I can't tell you how many early morning flashes I've given the older men beach-walkers. And I'm pretty sure I've helped some boys to become men.

So this week my goal was NOT to flash anyone. I mean that's only 7 days. I can focus for that long, right?

I was doing so well until last night. Usually after dark, it is safe to do whatever I want. The chances anyone is walking out in the dark with this rough surf and 40 degree temperatures is next to nothing right?

So there I go, scrub top off, bra unclasped when lo and behold a guy, not five feet from my window goes walking by.

It is 10 o'clock at night! What in the 'f' is he doing...

Oh yeah, the full moon. Not so dark. And it's Friday night. Normal people actually stay up after dark.

Yeah, my bad :-)

Maybe next week...

Getting Up Early Had Never Been So Fulfilling

2010-01-29T07:21:00.000-08:00

Okay, it is a crappy picture of one of the most beautiful sights I have ever witnessed :-0

The waves woke me up and what did I see as I walked past the window? A full moon shining down on the surf with the lights of Ventura in the distance.

Awe-inspiring, truly.

I love nature, but seldom do I have moments when I feel like she is talking directly to me. Thankfully tis morning was one of those moments.

There was only a tinge of bitterness to such a sweet, sweet experience. That there was no one to really share it with.

Then I shrugged, maybe it's selfish but I'll take a hundred such moments even if it means being alone! :-)

So tonight I am going out with my good camera and trying to capture the moonlight on the water. Wish me luck!

The Ocean is at my door

2010-01-28T07:57:00.000-08:00

I mean literally. That picture was taken from my bedroom window!

We are having ten foot waves and they are breaking within ten feet of my house!

The only thing keeping sea water out of my yard right now is a row of rocks uncovered by the storm.

I can't tell you have much I have missed having nature up in my face like this. I hate going to work today. I could just stay and watch the waves all day.

I grew up in heaven. Okay it was Napa but same diff! With a micro-farm you had to be aware of the weather and everything nature threw at you.

And let me tell you nature is throwing down some majestic waves today. She is right at my door reminding me that life is pretty freaking awesome.

And you know what? It's pretty cool to have nature as my life partner!

A follow up on feet smelling... or A.K.A. add boob smelling to the list

2010-01-27T07:39:00.000-08:00

Yep, they just want to smell your boobs. Not touch them or even look at them. One guy was kind enough to state he would blind-fold himself.

Because, ya know, my real worry was that he was going to be watching while he smelled my boobs!

I think he missed most women's concerns.

And just in case you were wondering, that service is worth about ten bucks.

But last night there was a very nice ad. No watch words (sensual, passionate, adventuresome... which translate to sex, sex, and more sex). Good grammar. Everything spelled properly.

He sounded his age. It was a good length post. He was an early retiree.

I thought, wow! This guy might be for...

Then I got to the 'Here's something you might want to know about me' section.

Now many times that is they have kids, a peanut allergy, or...

He likes to give oral.

What? Before my brain could process the shock, I read a few more lines that, in quite graphic detail, described his various techniques.

Great, it's 10 o'clock at night and I have to take another shower.

I mean, he didn't list it, but I bet he'd pay ten bucks to smell my boobs...

This is my view on life...

2010-01-26T13:42:00.001-08:00

You would think with that kind of sunset every night, some guy might want to share it. But according to Craigslist and so many other dating sites I either need to:
Let them smell my feet
Lose 100 pounds (which would make me grossly underweight, but that seems to be the trend)
Or be open to 'things that can't be listed here'

Okay, there is a lot of stuff (I mean I didn't know some of that stuff existed until I was well into my 30s) listed so if they can't mention it, YIKES (okay, I have to admit I almost write back just to find out what the hell they could mean but luckily my gag reflex outweighs my curiosity!)

Then I remember God really is so pretty. That sunset proves it every night so I guess I'll dial back the bitter-o-meter and be open to a non-foot smelling, normal guy who can actually list what he wants in a woman :-)

How could someone 55 be just 10 years older than me? When the hell did that happen?

2010-01-25T09:14:00.000-08:00

Most of my dating sites (and yes, I have many, why I don't know, but I still do) are set to search for men up to 10 years my senior.

I usually don't care about age and such. I'm not one of freak out at birthdays, yet you can imagine my shock when guys 54 and 55 started popping up. Clearly these sites had lost their mind. I mean, that's old.

So with great indignation, I went into my account to correct this horrible mistake to find that...

Oh yeah, I'm 45 now. Ergo, ten years older is 55.

Yikes! That's a wake-up call.

And I must take a moment and apologize to my over 50 year old male friends. You must be in some other kind of 50s category. You look older than you once did, I mean you aren't drinking a magic elixir, but you look like a normal person.

Not Santa Claus or Old Man Time.

Really, taking a picture next to a Harley doesn't make you look younger, it makes me worry about you breaking a hip.

Okay, then the worst news. I normally only date 5 years younger than myself which now means the entire 30s are out for me. Every one in my search is over 40.

Seriously when did this happen? I can't even look at a thirty-something without guilt I'm robbing from the cradle.

After perusing several geriatric profiles, I decided to dare to dip into those forbidden 39 year olds. Okay, now they look like Grecian Gods. They have hair and can still pull off stubble.

Sigh.

And the worst realization? In just 5 short years those ten years older will be 60!

Okay, my life goal is now to invent a time machine. #period #endofstatement